Mother feeding cats- at a loss.

My DP’s mother sounds exactly like yours, she lived with us for a short while and absolutely destroyed our cats’ and dog’s relationship with food. She’s also a vile narcissist and we have been NC for almost two glorious years.

Is your mother infirm and reliant on you for care? You don’t have to house her if you don’t want to, especially if she is making you this stressed and causing your pets to become unwell.

Sadly it's a case of rehoming your Mum or cats.

She won't change it's ingrained behaviour and she's thinks she's in the right.

I'm really sorry about the situation, the way she is treating the cats is very cruel. It's not a good situation for them, or for you.

My mother is narcissistic/most likely has NPD, and I am no contact with her now. It's impossible to 'reason' with a narcissistic person sadly, so just telling her what she's doing is making the cats sick won't likely change her behaviour. Before I stopped speaking to her, DM once dog-sat for me for 2 weeks, when I came home dog was visibly fatter. I asked what happened and she gleefully explained she'd been feeding him double the amount I told her to--honestly she seemed to revel in it. That was the last time I let her dog-sit. I hope you are able to make headway but honestly what pp said about rehoming your mum sounds best - it must be VERY very hard on you having her living with you, not just with the cats but with everything that comes with narcissistic parents. Honestly the mere thought of my narcissistic mother living with me makes my skin crawl.

Have you ever had any counselling? It might seem a very roundabout solution to the situation but they can help you come up with coping strategies to deal with her (including but not limited to the cats) and it's very helpful when you've grown up with a narcissistic parent. They can also help you decide if it's better for DM to go live somewhere else...

Just a bit of sympathy. She sounds an absolute nightmare.

Sorry but I am in the 'rehome the cats' camp. They can't protect themselves from her. Tbh I wouldn't necessarily bother taking her to the vets, though it might make you feel like you'd tried everything.

I think the fact that you have needed to ask whether you are being cruel shows what an absolute number she has done on your perspectives. Many of us have been there in terms of elements of weird behaviour our parents did (and I'm aware of weird things I've done as a parent), but not to this extent. She will clearly blame you for everything rather than take any responsibility. If you rehome them she will tell her friends you got rid of them because she loved them.

I'd make the cats safe and have some therapy tbh. If she goes on living with you I think you need a steadying perspective.

If we were talking about a sane / responsible adult who just enjoys feeding cats a bit too much, I‘d suggest the following:

• Swap dreamies and ham for something much healthier that the cats still enjoy. My cats are partly raw-fed and get things like raw chicken thigh meat mixed with a suitable BARF supplement. They love raw meat more than any junk treat, it‘s great fun feeding them single chunks and it‘s really good for them.

• Play with them instead of feeding / brushing / force-cuddling them. Get nice toys like Da Bird or start clicker training them. Even most older cats are still quite playful.

The hoarding dreamies, hiding ham in drawers and the extreme level of over-feeding sound very strange, though. Dementia or a personality disorder seem very possible and I‘d probably want advice from a professional on how to deal with your mothers behaviour.

Your dm sounds like mine in a lot of ways. Hard work and self centred, mine used to bring "treats" for my dog but it would be cheap nasty deli meat, full of god knows what and I went mad. It's hard work when they don't listen.

Can you get her a couple of those fishing rod toys for cats? They are easy to use, the cats will enjoy them and she can interact with the cats without feeding them. Also maybe a laser pointer? Call it cat gym or exercise to counteract the treats.

Sounds like the cats need to be saved from her OP. Sorry man.

Op I would talk to the vet maybe over the phone before you go and ask them to have a stern word about their diet. They're going to end up living short miserable lives in this situation, pinning them down is heartbreaking they don't deserve that and you need to put a stop to it, it's animal abuse and you'd get into trouble for it. I'd seriously think about mentioning rehoming too.
Rehoming your dm not the cats.

This. The damage being done to the poor cats may be severe already if they're eating so much they are being sick.

That her own cats also died prematurely sounds quite sinister really.

I know its tricky with cats but is there any way to seperate your part of the house from your mothers? Can an extra door be put in the hallway or something with the cats restricted to part of the house? Or downstairs only?

If the cats were not longer allowed upstairs/near your mums room then you might not eliminate the problem completely but you would certainly reduce it as you're more likely to see her do it and be able to step in if you're downstairs.

Ultimately a few extra treats or some ham from her handbag are unlikely to make them sick, its the sheer volume which is causing the probkem.

I would also recommned dementia screening for your mum. Its hard to see "if that's the way she has always been" but I do think that there is an understanding gap here which is unusual with a healthy adult.

I think I would be very blunt and say ‘if you can’t stop feeding the cats like this we’ll need to rehome them because it just isn’t fair to be making them sick and causing them pain constantly.’

If she starts with guilt tripping or complaining I’d just repeat that you can’t have pets being made ill in your home.

Can you pre-empt the vet, being as honest as you are able to be? The hoarding of dreamies is pretty gross, you should not have to live with that in your home really.

What really worries me is the packets of ham, which will have far too much salt in them for cats, and will be detrimental to their health.

She needs to hear all this direct from the vet's mouth really.

And honestly I question whether I am being really cruel.

Do you really? As you watch your cats being overfed ham and throw up all over your floor multiple tunes?

Yes you ARE being cruel. Not to your mother.

If it's dementia, talking to your mother is unlikely to change anything.
If it's sheer pig headedness, you are going to have to be blunt. This behaviour will shorten their lives. Either through obesity or kidney failure from processed meat in excess. It's not kind, it's cruel.
If your mum cannot be reasonable I would ban her from feeding the cats and actively prevent her from interacting with them. Your cats need your help here.

So your dm gets care in her dotage? Is that best for your mh op? You count too you know!

Hmm. Why is she living with you? Are there any other options eg a care home or sheltered housing? Are you happy she lives with you? What would you like to happen?

Is there more to your mum’s behaviour/your relationship with her OP? Why does she live with you? She sounds more like a small child than a grown woman, and she seems to get away with it a lot. How do you respond to her when she says things like she may as well be dead?

Make her clear up the vomit.