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Original poster

DM died suicide

92 replies

ShakerMakerGirl · 08/12/2022 19:44

I found my Mother on Tuesday and she had taken her own life. It was a very surreal day spent with the police and she is still with the coroner and I presume needs a PM.

But I feel so calm and a strange sense of relief that she is no longer suffering so much as she had horrific illnesses that had taken so much from her.

Has anyone experienced this situation, all the suicide threads seem to be people who were depressed rather than suffering from a progressive illness. I feel so odd. I love her so so much, she was a massive part of my life, so why am I like this?! Just feels like an odd response x

OP posts:

Purpleavocado · 08/12/2022 21:24

I'm so sorry you're going through this. After my DF passed my main emotion was relief for him, he hated alzheimer's and had repeatedly said he wanted to go. I still miss him of course, but I was a lot more emotionally unprepared when my DM passed suddenly. Take care of yourself 🌹

anyolddinosaur · 08/12/2022 21:24

I have watched people die slowly and painfully and other relatives have gone quickly and peacefully. We should allow humans the same relief we allow animals. I am sorry for your loss but I also hope to choose my own time to leave and not suffer.

As she had seen a doctor recently there may not need to be a PM. Her death will have been reported to the coroner who will decide whether to request that. This will tell you the process. www.coronersociety.org.uk/_img/pics/pdf_1503323567.pdf

BringMeTea · 08/12/2022 21:24

I am so very sorry OP. Be kind to yourself.

reluctantbrit · 08/12/2022 21:21

I am so sorry. A friend had this scenario and it took a while for the grief to come in. And the anger, the guilt. She had grief councelling and it helped her coming to terms with her mother's decision and a state of peace of mind.

Keep an open mind if you think you may need help, even a couple of session to vent can be liberating.

It's a difficult time ahead for you but I hope you have support.

User129867588 · 08/12/2022 21:19

I am so sorry to hear about your mum. My mum also ended her life, she was 61. She had MH problems and attempted 8 times before. I was completely numb when it happened and was on autopilot .8 weeks later it hit me and I couldn’t function. 6 bereavement therapy sessions arranged through work helped me.

Give yourself time, reach out to others in similar situations (SOBs is a really good charity and have local groups as well) Your mom sounds like she was a beautiful and caring person- what she wrote made me tear up.

I did not get a letter and I don’t feel I had any closure which the therapy helped with. Losing a parent is so difficult, no matter what the circumstances.

💐

user1471453601 · 08/12/2022 21:19

@ShakerMakerGirl first of all I'm so sorry for your loss. Secondly, (ah what to say that gets my view over, but is still kind?). Let me try this. I'm in my 70s, I have no terminal illnesses, but I'm frail. My beloved daughter says the same as you, you are no burden, I love you. but, life can be a burden, not only to those who are suffering, but to those we love. I am strongly in favour of euthanasia by choice. If I knew, for sure, that I could choose to die when I choose, then I'd stick around for a while.

as it is, I have to make the decision soon , while I still have agency.

Summerfun54321 · 08/12/2022 21:15

The tears will come, just give it time. Sorry for your loss 💐.

Blowthemandown · 08/12/2022 21:15

@ShakerMakerGirl I felt this way about my Mum for a long time. The grief came much later, which seems to be quite common. My Mum had a rotten end although she did not take her own life and I was angry about how it went. That got in the way of the grief, too. Everyone is different and there is nothing wrong with having those feelings of relief for her being at peace. Best wishes.

Silvers11 · 08/12/2022 21:03

So sorry for your loss. You need to know though, that Grief is a complicated process and it isn't linear. Everyone reacts differently and although there are many different 'stages' of grief and they may all occur at different times or even together - and each stage may come and go. So your feelings are entirely OK because they are yours. No rights or wrongs at all

My Mother (93) fell and subsequently died in the Summer while we were away on holiday and my first immediate reactions were Utter Relief and also Guilt that I felt relieved that her suffering was over. I was sad too and it was strange to feel all of those things at the same time. If she had recovered there was no way she would have had any quality of life, nor have been able to go home. Like you ( and like my Mother always said that she did in these situations when she was younger) I went into crisis management mode to deal with everything that needed to be done too.

You are in shock and I'm sure that your loss will hit you harder once the practical things which need doing have been done. That was my experience and I did shed some tears, too of course, later There are still things which catch me out 4 months later unawares: small things which remind me of her and I tear up but not that many - because for me at the moment, there is still a huge relief for her

Take Care

pompei8309 · 08/12/2022 21:02

ShakerMakerGirl · 08/12/2022 19:44

I found my Mother on Tuesday and she had taken her own life. It was a very surreal day spent with the police and she is still with the coroner and I presume needs a PM.

But I feel so calm and a strange sense of relief that she is no longer suffering so much as she had horrific illnesses that had taken so much from her.

You feel calm because you know she’s at peace, she did exactly what she wanted in her own terms . Condolences and may she rest in peace .

Whynobreadpudding · 08/12/2022 20:56

My mother died at 52 falling down the stairs, very heartbreaking, but she suffered so much for at least 13 years with pick’s disease, we know now, but wasn’t known of then. Couldn’t do anything for anyone, slept all day. No quality of life at all. She kept saying to me that she wanted to die. For her I think it was a relief.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 08/12/2022 20:52

Big hug to you - I think you sound like a very understanding and compassionate person and that is part of what is happening here. You are likely to have lots of unexpected feelings during the next year or two - and they are all ok. Take care of yourself.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/12/2022 20:49

My mother died a 'natural' death (Covid) under obviously different circumstances. She had severe dementia, knew no one and nothing, was just a 'shell'. When she died I felt sorrow, but also overriding relief that she was now in a better place. There was also (I admit it) a bit of relief at the knowledge that I would no longer visit and sit holding the hand of someone who didn't know me, who didn't even know I was there. After all the formalities were over I never really had that 'breakdown' that everyone assured me was coming. I had some tears, mostly at my wonderful memories.

You loved your mum. But listen, your mum was suffering and you hated that. And she is now beyond her suffering and you are relieved about that. So accept whatever emotion comes. And if you end up not having that wave of emotion, that's OK too.

Wishing you peace.

Original poster

ShakerMakerGirl · 08/12/2022 20:39

Thank you. I will certainly be adding my Mums story to the dying in dignity inquiry. Euthanasia needs to be legalised.
She was lucky that she didn't appear to suffer at the end but she didnt think she would necessarily go like that as she had put towels around her and if this was legalised I could have held her hand and said goodbye and told her how much I loved her.
I think people are right to say it will hit me after the funeral. I have gone into my controlling crisis management mode to deal with everything and perhaps it will sink in will I finally relax and sit with my thoughts x

OP posts:

EmmaAgain22 · 08/12/2022 20:30

I saw your other thread OP

I feel for you. Your mother's suffering is over. My father would not go gentle into that good night. I suffered greatly as a result, maybe so did he. I was also relieved by the end of his suffering. It is completely understandable if you are as well.

control is so important in life, but perhaps more so than ever at the end.

big hugs.

Tattoovirgin · 08/12/2022 20:29

Sorry to hear this OP

I hope I have the courage to do the same as your Mum in the future if my health fails.

Look after yourself in the coming days..weeks…months.

You were loved

Original poster

ShakerMakerGirl · 08/12/2022 20:29

Thank you.

She had been ill since I was 11 and I am now 37.

She shared in her note that it was her choice to end her suffering but she also wanted me to enjoy my life and my children and never have to worry about her care needs again. She said she wanted to release herself of the pain but also of me from this burden. I've told her before I didn't feel like that, it was hard but I would do it again for her in a heart beat.
She said it might hurt now but it would also hurt to see her ever increasing decline that would still have lead to her death. She was dealt a really shit hand in life she never moaned she was so stoic and always put everyone else above herself. She was my hero.
She even left me a large sum of money thats apparently for grief therapy! She was so thoughtful. I loved her so much.

Thanks for sharing your stories, I think people are finding it hard to relate to my situation in real life, especially as my friends parents are all so young and healthy. My poor mum was only 62.

Thanks for letting my share x

OP posts:

Fuuuuuckit · 08/12/2022 20:27

Oh love, I'm so sorry.

Please be kind to yourself. How you're feeling really is OK - there's no brownie points for grieving the 'right' way.

And be prepared for if/when it really does hit you. My mum died very suddenly in February and I felt awful for not being the quivering wreck I thought I should be. But the tiniest thing could set me off months afterwards.

Galarunner · 08/12/2022 20:26

Our neighbour took his own life, he was a retired doctor. He had a very serious health condition and knew the path ahead was going to be grim. His decision was brave and rational.

Redglitter · 08/12/2022 20:21

So sorry for your loss

My Dad died suddenly & unexpectedly & I felt as if my emotion had been switched off. I went into automatic pilot & made all the phone call & dealt with the constant stream of visitors to my Mums. It was purely a coping mechanism & after the funeral I really started grieving.

Your feelings are totally natural & the grief will come. Just be kind to yourself before & when it does

Andsoforth · 08/12/2022 20:16

I’m sorry for your loss. Grief is such a strange thing; no matter how prepared and accepting we are, it knocks us sideways.

I’ve just recently lost a beloved dp to a long, slow, humiliating decline and I don’t think I’ll ever recover from watching their suffering. I think we are a deeply inhumane and barbaric culture. It’s a good thing that your dm didn’t suffer.

But the loss of a dp is so profound in any circumstances.

Millana · 08/12/2022 20:13

I'm sorry for your loss.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Just accept how you are feeling at that moment. X

Georgeskitchen · 08/12/2022 20:12

So sorry to hear this news. I watched mums decline from dementia, at the end she barely knew who she was, let alone her nearest and dearest. She had heart problems which took her, peacefully in the night.
I cried for her but some of those tears were of relief that she is now at peace.
I understand your feelings.
Nobody wants to see a loved one in pain xxx

Mariposista · 08/12/2022 20:07

Please please be kind to yourself. There is no right or wrong way to process this. Your poor mum, she must have felt like she had no other options (sounds like she had been very poorly for a while).
Seek counseling if you need it and surround yourself with friends and family. All the best.

JoonT · 08/12/2022 20:07

I really am very sorry OP. It must have been a dreadful experience. No doubt you feel so little because you are in shock.

Personally, I think your mother was very brave. I hope I have the courage to end things when I’m old and ill. Perhaps she didn’t want you to see her suffer.

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