Parents not accepting help, even though they need it

Thank you for suggesting it, but this wasn't about the money I’m sorry I didn’t make my point clear - a delivery pass would remove her perceived need to book it for the crack of dawn because it is cheaper - all slots would be listed at £0. That would remove one way in which she caused knock on effects,

This is all so familiar. We have had to use the threat of going into care as in,if yiu want to continue living here on your own then you have to have x,or you won't be able to. It feels a cruel thing to do but its the only way to get through to her. We've had a lot of help fromOTs and Social Work,who are coming out again tomorrow to reassess. Its very hard.

Thank you for suggesting it, but this wasn't about the money, it was really about her inability to comprehend that these things have a knock-on effect on other people, and that she often unwittingly causes severe inconvenience to family members.

She has always wanted to be in her own home for as long as possible, but there has been a recent rapid decline and we are currently just going from day to day.

Tri if there's any money available, it might be worth their while to get an architect or a consultant in who can recommend changes to make daily life more manageable for them. I say this because my husband is an architect and that's what we've done with our house with an eye to the future. That might feel more like taking control and making their own decisions to them.

Exactly this. Have been in the same position and this is so true.

That's good news.

PaBint spent 20 years talking about downsizing to a nice practical bungalow. Never did it.

I suppose it’s unlikely if they are resistant but would they move? I’m very lucky in that my parents (dad 80 mum 77) are realistic and determined to be independent as long as possible. They downsized to a bungalow a few years ago and the change in them was massive. They are no longer rattling round a big house full of memories, it’s compact and easy to keep on top of. They made an effort to integrate into the local area and go to clubs (which they never would have in the old familiar area.) They also had a huge clear out, it’s like a weight was lifted. Would they consider a move? It may make a big difference especially with those steep ramps.

I guess we all do things that are important to us. I've always loved to travel and visit new places.

I have absolutely no urge to travel. Though that's maybe because I've moved around most of my life, including half a decade or so living and working aborad. When I retire in nine years time, I intend to spend the rest of my life pottering around my house and garden, with the occasional walk in the woods. I love pottering, me.

My husband's parents died at 86 and 97 (and his mother had dementia for the last few years). I've already outlived both my parents, who died at 58 (heart) and 71 (cancer), and my last aunt just died at 96. Realistically we know we've got maybe 20 years if we're lucky, in which we're likely to be pretty limited for the last 5-10.

It makes me very conscious of wanting to cram travelling in now - we had a long trip to the UK, Greece and Venice this year, and I want to go back to France next year. Going to England to see my kids will become more difficult eventually but so far not a problem and I am heading over for a month in February/March. They, of course, can't afford to sacrifice all their holiday budgets and time just to pop across the Atlantic to see me casually. One thing you do have when you get to our age is time, ironically.

But when she chooses the delivery slot, instead of picking a sensible time during the day when she is usually awake and either: A - a time when one of her carers is there, or B - checking with DH when he can juggle his work so he can be there, she books it for the crack of dawn because it is cheaper Can they get a delivery pass? For an annual payment, they get free choice of all the slots. If they’re doing a weekly shop, it works out much cheaper.

70 seems to be the age it starts in earnest for most people In my peer group (mainly fit outdoorsy types) it’s nearer 80. There seems to be a definite and rapid decline, and the person themself starts talking about themself as old and mortal rather than young, invincible and immortal.

I'm 73 and my husband is 80, and although we are far healthier and more mobile than some of the parents referenced in this thread we are conscious that we are getting older. We've taken pains to make our house age-friendly - for example when we renovated we made the stairs so that they could take a chair-lift if necessary, we made sure all floors were level and we put in a laundry chute from the upstairs bathroom to where the washer and dryer are in the downstairs toilet so we didn't have to carry baskets of washing down. When we did our kitchen, we put pull-out shelves or deep drawers in the cupboards under the counter to make access easier. There are lots of small practical things that can be done to make a house age-friendly.

My husband is nowhere near as tech-friendly as I am, but he would be able to work his way through ordering and paying for goods online. Teaching your parents to use technology is something we tend to expect our children to do!

I would respond very badly indeed to anything that felt like manipulation or bossing by one of my children. The approaches outlined above by WishIwasatailor and itsjustnotok are the ones that would work best with me.

Re the falls alarm, check with your local adult social care team. They may well have an arrangement with a particular provider to get them (and often also key safes) at a discount.

My mum was ok until she got to about 85 or so, but the last 4 years has seen her decline a lot mentally and in the last 2 years physically. IME it's rare that people foresee their own decline and research care homes and ask to go to one, it's sort of a last minute scramble off the back of a crisis for relatives to find somewhere with a place and for the place to accept the person. Fortunately we were referred to an organisation that does the finding for you but it's still been stressful. I still need to go and see the care home in person to make sure it looks ok so it's not done and dusted yet.

"Getting older is shit!"

It totally is. I hope when it's my time to go, I just go, without the long decline beforehand. 70 seems to be the age it starts in earnest for most people. I never had elderly parents, they both died at very young ages but now I am 12 years off 70 myself, I am starting to think about how I don't want to be a burden for either my daughter or my partner, so I get where other people's parent's are coming from. I hope any future Labour Government follow through on their promise to create a National Care Service, much as we have a National Health Service.

I told my sil in a private conversation, but sneaky mil hearing of which I was aware , that if she wouldn’t accept help to stay at home then to start looking at homes because they take a while to find and it would end up there after a fall/not taking meds etc. moved on to respite care and she stayed because she liked the company of the lovely people there (sil did a lot of research) Unfortunately some manipulation was involved because she wouldn’t listen when we tried to discuss. Which I really didn’t like but accepted as fall out to making sure she was safe . She wouldn’t listen to dh and sil , her kids, and they both nearly sent themselves mad trying to help whilst working full time jobs. She was a lovely lady, and I really miss her. Getting older is shit!

Aging is hard for many people, particularly as they become less mobile. It’s a lot of change and I know my gran hated the feeling of losing her independence and becoming reliant. My aunt didn’t necessarily deal with things well, she spoke to my gran like a child and would often tell her what to do (not saying you do OP!). This further confirmed the feelings of loss to her. I don’t know if it’s worth sitting down and asking what you can do to help keep them as safe and healthy as possible? What can we do to make life easier and leave you as independent as possible.