Future mother-in-law won’t let son go

I tell him that it time you and him chatted to his mother about him moving to your area and about the wedding your planning. If he makes an excuse I would ask him how long do you think I am going to hang around waiting for you to grow up?
Tell him then that he has a week to sort things out and he can go back to his mammy's house as he is not sleeping with you that night.

I know men who are quite happy to have a girlfriend and regular sex but are also happy living at home with mammy minding them.
Then with mammy no woman is ever good enough for her little boy who could be 30 plus years of age.

The reality is that your current situation with him is not working and your not willing to put your life on hold for much longer. I don't know your age or if you want a family but you can't put your life or fertility on hold until his mother dies.
I know it not easy to end an relationship/engagement but I know 2 woman who did this in the past. They are now married to other adult men and they have families.

I think it’s likely his mum will always be the main woman in his life and you’ll take second place. If you’re happy with that , fair enough but if not I would walk away.

Yep, here to join the throngs.

FUCKING RUN.

He’s 47. He’s never left home. Even if (and it’s a big fucking if) you he him to leave, he will be feeling so guilty he’s going to try to make up for that, and it will be at your expense.

Same 🚩

I expect he rather likes the set up of two women seeing to his every need.. he has all his home comforts (cooking? Laundry? Etc) with mum Mon - Fri and then your attention all weekend.

Of course he could move out ... all he needs to say is 'I am going to live with Deb now and I will be round once a week for dinner and any help you might need'.

The only way he will become disentangled from this weird unhealthy dynamic with is mum is when she's dead.

If he wanted to move forward and buy a house with you, he would, he'd have done it by now. His mum is just an excuse. The hills are that way >>> I suggest you run for them.

At 47, having always lived with his mother and therefore obviously never having had a proper serious relationship, I would be running a mile quite frankly.

You’ve only met her twice in 5 years? No wonder she thinks she will lose her son! You haven’t made the effort to get to know her whilst he’s living there so there’s no indication that you will want to travel 30 miles to see her. IMO you should leave him to find someone who will accept his mum

How can you only have met her twice in 5 years, if he lives with her ?

However, you are on a hiding to nothing with him, surely.
If you are wanting marriage and commitment, I think I would look elsewhere.

How old are you both ?

After 5 years I'd be seriously re-considering my investment in the relationship.

The simple fact is that he needs to get a grip on the situation that doesn't involve giving in to tears and tantrums.

Realistically what practical support does she need? If he can put that in place and still visit regularly (by which I mean no more than weekly) then you need to accept that he's tacitly making a decision not to live with you.

The assumption in these cases is always that the parent is the driving force here, but fundamentally in many of these cases, the truth is that the "child" is happy to maintain the status quo under the pretext of angst at their parents emotional response.

I love my parents dearly, but there's no chance I'd ever sacrifice a relationship for them out of misplaced guilt (thankfully they would never ask this). In an emergency situation I'd be there in a flash and move heaven and earth to get the support systems they needed in place.

You need a frank conversation with your partner.

Am I understanding this right - she's got a partner but she basically doesn't want him to have one? Or is she trying to get you to move in? Is the lack of contact between you & her due to covid, is she not a people person, what?

Run. Forest. Run.

This is a DP problem more than a MIL problem. His reaction is far more important. He needs to step up if he wants to remain DP.

I broke up with an Ex many years ago for the same. She always came first & is the most manipulative woman I ever met (only once & she didn't even acknowledge me). His dad died young and she treated him as a stand in husband.

She's in her 80s now & I know she is the reason at least 2 of his relationships have ended. I suspect there are more. He's unlikely to change.

You've only met her twice?? Why?? What do you do at Christmas, etc.?

I'd throw this one back. You're setting yourself up for a world of pain...

Twice in 5 years?
how old is he?
Unless
he has a plan to only visit her once a week and actually moves in with her I would say no thanks.

How old is your partner?

There's a lot to unpick here- why have you only met your future MIL twice? Why has your fiancé always lived with his DM? Why are you going to live 30 miles from his DM? This is the time of life when, if it's convenient you move close to parents who might need support in the next few years.

The DM doesn't need to make any decisions she can carry on as she is a do her own shopping from now on. I person doesn't need that much. her son needs to do what he wants. I think he's using his mother as an excuse not to move on

My DH was living with his mum when I met him but he left without a second thought.

Basically, your fiance would move out in a heartbeat for the right person.

And it isn't great she has only seen you twice in 5 years.

Don't waste your time. Or at the very least give him an ultimatum and stick to it

Run

You said I want to move forward - interesting you don't say we - so what exactly does your dp want to happen next? And what is your dp doing (not just saying) to make that happen?

I'd be running a mile.

Why have you only met her twice in five years? Are you sure she’s not his wife!!!

what does he say about it?