How often do you see your elderly parents?

Yes, he can afford a cleaner but he doesn't like to pay for things. We did have cleaners for him, once a fortnight, but they could never say what time they'd be turning up, so they wasted my whole day in waiting for them.

He would wash up, and does when I'm not there. But then I have to find what he's washed and do it again, because he's not bothered about details like getting it clean.

The system we have now is working for us. I had a massive breakdown/autistic burnout in 2013 and have taken years to be anything like recovered. General domestic work is all I can do. And my elderly dad (who with my mother minded my daughter so I could go to university and work) needs a hand. It was hard to come to terms with at first but I'm happy with it now.

I think the answer is that's how often DM visited her DPs when they lived a similar distance away Moral of that is, you’re not just visiting DPs, you’re role modelling how many visits you’ll have from your DC in your old age

Could your dad afford to have a cleaner? Is the entitled to any benefits that would allow him to pay for that? Why isn't he washing up? It's not fair to expect you to do all that.

I think I remember yours previous post and it's an awful situation for you, you want to be there for your DM but are being expected by your DF to run both homes.

If your DF is genuinely worried about her going into a Care Home the best way to avoid this is to accept help now. DFIL was pretty much like your DF and admits now that he's wish he'd let us put in more help earlier.

My dad is 84 and lives alone very independently. He is a busy bee with lots of hobbies. Usually see him weekly for a cup of tea and a chat. He Also comes for Sunday lunch sometimes. My DSiS also sees him weekly/ fortnightly.

Not very often but I don't get on with my parent at all. They scare me and shout at me, in their 80's , feel a bit guilty but if they were nice to me I'd visit more often. Live over an hour away.

@StopStartStop That sounds like an awful lot. Do you want to do it?

Short answer - 3-4 x a week on average, for an hour or so. But I work and have young dc, so even though dm is close by I struggle with this.

Dm is 84 and widowed, with dementia. I live 10 mins away, my brother lives 3.5 hours away.

Maybe elements of geography, 'woman's work' and that I work part time, but I feel increasingly worn out by the care needed. Mum pays for carers to visit x3 per day, and day centre x2 per week, which costs £2.5k per month. But on top of that there still seems so much I struggle to do it all. all doctors/ hospital/ dentist/ Podiatrist visits (of which there are many), sorting out house maintenance, financial admin etc. I wish I could visit just for a chat, but mum struggles to have a meaningful conversation and I get sucked into endless jobs.

DB visits a few weekends a year, and does her online food shopping and some financial stuff. Can't see him doing more while I live so close

My mum lived in the granny annex until 18 months ago when she went into hospital and then a home. So until then I saw her up to a dozen times a day usually for a minimum of 15 minutes, doing all her cleaning, washing, meals, drinks, shopping - if it needed doing I did it.

Now she is in a home and I visit once a week. It is only 7 miles away but to go by bus takes two and a half hours so I get a lift with my cousin.

My mother in law lives an hour away. Unfortunately we don't have a car and she no longer drives so we only see her when one of my SiL's can bring her. She lives with her daughter so has no need of DH to do anything for her which, given our lack of transport, is a relief.

They're sitting on hundreds of thousands of pounds and have you running round after them?! Really? They're happy for you to do that?!
That's what we save for all our lives isn't it? To buy in help and care as needed when older and let our busy adult DC enjoy the prime of their lives?
I would think far less of your dad tbh. Your DH is right. This will build resentment and only get worse, especially when one is left alone.
Worrying.

Does your mother get attendance allowance? If not, then it would be worth applying for, and using to pay for help specifically for your mother. Your father could not justifiably object

Every family and situation is different. So you can't really compare.

I see my Mum (late-70s, few health scares in last couple of years) about 3-4 times per year. It's been more than that this year which wasn't what I wanted. I speak to her once a week. I get moaned at a lot for this but we are 2-3 hours away, I have a demanding full-time job and a child. My DH and child come first and I'm not prepared to give up weekends with them to run around after mum. I had a childhood like that, and I'm not doing the same thing to my DD.

My brother rings her much less often and sees her about the same amount (lives further away from her) but can't put a foot wrong!

It's her choice. She moved to her current home a while ago and chose to live near her friends. She could have moved closer to my brother. She wouldn't have been able to afford to live nearer to me. There is definitely underlying assumptions about daughter vs, son roles!

I saw my DM about once a month. I have siblings who also visited her. My parents had retired to somewhere 75 miles away so they weren't just around the corner.

And to be fair, one year when we were trying to organise Christmas, I asked DM what she would like to do and she said 'I wish you'd all go away and leave me in peace so I can watch my soaps." 😧

Every family is different, with different personalities and different circumstances so it's no-one's business but yours really. It sounds like they have the finances to arrange any help they need and it isn't fair to expect you to wear yourself to a crisp. Look after you first.

This thread has prompted me to wonder why I don't feel guilty about visiting more often than once a month.

I think the answer is that's how often DM visited her DPs when they lived a similar distance away. Then my DPs moved over to Scotland to be closer to me, so she saw them even less often. DFs DPs lived in another continent and passed away at a fairly young age.

But what I'd say OP is if it's impacting your health, you're doing too much. I'd start being a bit blunt with your DF - they need to accept extra home help, or your long term ability to support them will suffer.

Dad is 90. Relatively healthy, relatively sound in mind, doesn't leave the house. I think lockdown convinced him that younger people could do the running around while he lay on the sofa watching television.

I call in twice a day, deal with washing up, housework, usually heating his supper, take him cups of tea. I do all his shopping and his thinking - he can't make a shopping list. He makes his own breakfast (egg and toast) and lunch (more toast, with cheese or jam).

Sorry I didn't get to your thread sooner.

I see my parents most days if I’m not working, otherwise, 3 times a week. They are frail, elderly, and have significant health issues, some of which they need support with. I love them, it’s not a hardship, as I know I won’t have them about forever. I don’t want them at the age when they need me most, having to ask for things. I am closeby, so there’s no problem. But the only person or people who should be able to tell me if I’m going too often would be them, or me. You do whatever you want and need to, everyone’s situation is different.💐

I see my mum all the time. Around 1-2 times a week. I made a conscious decision to never be far away from her at any point in my life.

See them as much as you want. Both my parents are dead, and my one regret is not talking to them more (we lived in different countries) or, really, listening to them more!

Twice a week.

Does it work for you or do you feel it's too much?

I see DM most days and she's in great health at 76 but I enjoy her company. DBs see her once a month ish.

80 miles away every 2 months which I know is not often enough. I don't know how to work full time and run a house and family and get there any more often. This is my first weekend off since August and I should be there but I'm not. They do have cleaner, gardener, family nearer and retired with no family. Feel useless.