How often do you see your elderly parents?

Twice a day. I'll be late this morning because I'm messing about on MN. I also think I must have answered upthread long ago. My word, it's only a couple of posts back.

I live about a mile away and I see my DF several times a week.

Over the past couple of years he's been unwell even though he's only in his early 70's so at various times I've been going daily and providing meals/doing his shopping but he's doing ok now so looking after himself. I take him a meal over if I've cooked a big pot meal, or he comes to us for dinner.

I have to say, I'd see him more often if he wasn't so negative. He's had a huge amount to deal with the last few years and is clearly struggling mentally, but insists he's fine and has turned down counselling/refuses to take anti depressants. So basically I go as often as I can without it badly affecting my own mental health!

You and perhaps your DH need to have a stern conversation with your Dad. I understand you want to help but he's taking the piss.

Both my parents are dead, as is FIL, but MIL lives about 10 mins walk away. I see her most Sunday mornings for tea and cake. Since she had a fall, DH pops in most evenings on his way home from work. His brother and his wife are virtually retired and do all the practical stuff. My SIL (DH's brother's wife) is a fucking saint. I was apologising to her at the w/e for not stepping up more (I work FT for a probate solicitor) but she said once MIL goes, my time would come 😂

(DH's other brother and SIL live a few hours away but have only been up once in about four years for a family wedding - bastards.)

Oh.

After chatting with mum yesterday, that might happen to me!

but I'm in no position to negotiate, because I've hit the point where I'd much rather live in her home than mine.

she's home in the middle of the week, so I guess I will see how I feel in a couple of weeks. I don't want to be Cinderella but she doesn't want to pay for more help than once a week, she says.

Stop I thought it sounded like you were okay with what you are doing, to some extent? Sorry if I got the wrong end of the stick.

No, you were right. At the moment, things are going well. Last year was hard as we had to argue a lot of things out. I get to be the boss of housework and he gets to be the boss of not paying for things. 😉

Amoebic I would just tell her about your overdraft but I suppose that runs the risk she will want to pay you for care rather than pay someone else.

mum only agreed to go from hospital to respite care because I told her it was for sanity.

DM who lives on her own is in her 80s. My sister lives on the other side of the world and rings her a couple of times a year it seems.

One brother (lives walking distance from DM) pops round for half an hour every other week. Other brother lives in same town sees her twice a week for half an hour and does her shopping etc.

I live an hour away and drive through twice a week to spend half a day with her and take her out for a meal and a drive round. Thinking of organising a spare bedroom at ours so she can come and stay a few nights a week - as it hurts me to leave her alone in her flat each time I visit.

2-3 times a year. They live 250 miles away and are in their late 80s. I work full time and am in poor health. I don’t really know what I can do to help. I worry a lot about it. I had to take a week off work recently to help them and I can see this being needed more often.

I leave it as long as I can. She’s completely toxic. I do help her from time to time but don’t think she appreciates it. Once every two or three months. I live in the same area . I wish I hadn’t moved back here and want to move away.

OP I think you need a serious chat with your dad about how it's too much for you and he needs to spend some money. Your mum having more interaction will keep her more active mentally and physically and so out of care for longer. Also look to contact any carers charities near you or adult social care for you to have a carers assessment. The Alzheimer's Society might be able to find a volunteer for some social interaction.

Yes I think you're right, there is a lot of that going on. She is quite a private person too.

It's difficult to talk to her about this because I don't wish her to feel like a 'burden' - or that I'm 'putting my life on hold'
It feels like I'm being a bit of a martyr, sacrificing myself. I would have hoped that she would be able to see what it is doing to me (you should see my overdraft 😁), and I think that she does on some level.

I am going to have to try again though. The annoying thing is she takes proper note of other peoples suggestions but not mine!!!!

Everything is such a fight! It took months of negotiation for her to concede to a wheelchair so I can get her out and about, for example. I just want her to spend her money now to make her life more comfortable.

The alarm she has is around her neck and automatically rings programmed phone numbers until a response is received - from me. She has used it three times over the last 8 years or so, when she has fallen and can't get up herself and once when she broke her hip. It is a godsend and proven it's worth for certain. However it goes off several times a week when she accidentally sets it of and I leap into action.

She takes much more notice if a man is giving her the advice too 🤬

My parents no longer here, we see DH parents together once a week but he sees his parents every Monday having dropped his hours at work to help them out. FIL no longer drives, MIL never did, FIL has health issues which we try and get appts for on Mondays so DH can take him and also gets shopping, does their garden and any odd jobs. They didn’t want this but certainly keep DH very busy now!

My dad 87 lives in an annexe to our house so we see him every day.

It works but sometimes I wish he had his own place because often I'd like to end my marriage but I feel stuck here.

Amoebic have you talked to her about that and if so, what does she say? What sort of things does she use the call alert for, do you mean like an emergency button thing?

Stop I thought it sounded like you were okay with what you are doing, to some extent? Sorry if I got the wrong end of the stick.

@AmoebicSquid
I can relate to that!
There's an underlying attitude that the 'children' (I'm 65) should and will make it all right. It's more comfortable for the elderly to see us, rather than have to relate to new people.

My dm is 90 and lives in the same village as me.
She had a fall and I stayed with her for a few months.
I backed a way a little as needed to get back to home and family - grown but still at home.
I now have it down to one visit a day when I go over late afternoon to do her tea and prepare for evening.

I need to get back to some kind of paying job, but having to check her each day, do her appts, admin, housework, shopping and cooking and be available to respond when her call alert goes off makes it impossible.

I arranged meals on wheels for lunchtime and had arranged a carer to come in for a couple of hours per week, but she decided she didn't like the meals and didn't see any need for a carer as doesn't see there is a need!

She has enough money to make life easier for us both right now, eg a suitable shower, carer etc to enable me to go out and earn a wage, but she wants to save it for my inheritance! - I could cry

oh there's never a good time for all this, I just meant it seems amazing to me to have very independent parents in their 80s.

i'm in my 40s as I was a late baby. But I'm now less angry about having good years ruined because lockdown ruined my life anyway so <shrug>

my old life is gone, I don't seem to have one now so if I have to move in with mum, it might not be bad.

Some posters seem to have independent parents well into their 80s, that seems fortunate. Parents who are independent in their 80s tend to live on into their 90s. So instead of dealing with them in your 50s, you’re dealing with them in your 60s, by which time you’re beginning to collect the panoply of thyroid, blood pressure etc pills which seem an inescapable part of ageing

I see 82 year old DM almost every day - take her to all appointments/online shopping/some admin. She has some mobility issues/doesn't drive/some memory issues - but is generally 'ok' and is still giving music lessons! DF passed away not so long ago, but he was driving/cooking/helping with my house/did the ironing! I'm of Chinese heritage & it was instilled in us to always 'look after' our parents. I do my best

Once a week and I usually stay overnight as I live 50 miles away. He has carers twice a day and a good local support network. We speak on the phone usually twice a day and I do all his house admin/bills, shopping etc.

It got to breaking point for me about a year ago trying to juggle ill elderly parent and SN teens and part time job and run a home.

We did arrange for mum to go to a day centre a few times a week on top of daily carers.

I suggest you contact adult social care for an assessment. They assess your parents needs and they can offer you a carer assessment as well.

It depends on your parents financial situation as to whether the council will help or fully fund support.

Dont make yourself ill trying to do it all. You have to be well mentally and physically in order to help them.
She was in hospital earlier this year and we busted a gut trying to visit everyday, but it just isn't viable long term. And in the end I said I cant keep doing this.

Mum is now in a care home.

I try and either pop in there once a week or take her out once a week for a couple of hours.

I live about an hour away from my 79 year old mum and visit her on the bus once a week. I speak to her on the phone almost every day. I do very little for her practically because she doesn't want me to.

StopStart interesting posts.

I have depression, anxiety, possible ADHD, have done for years. Mum recently had a fall and I'm debating moving in and being her carer. It has been such a battle to work, it feels like not such a bad fit to do some aspects of caring. I'd rent my flat out.

Some posters seem to have independent parents well into their 80s, that seems fortunate. Maybe I worry too much. I don't know.

@StopStartStop That sounds like an awful lot. Do you want to do it?

Yes, kind of. There isn't much choice. He's my dad. He was my mum's carer for years and visited her four hours a day in her care home at the end of her life. He minded my baby for me. I don't have much 'personal care' to do for him yet but I deal with the consequences of the prostate op he had a decade ago - constant leakage. I am not in great health myself, but will look after him for as long as I can (it's been about eighteen months so far, with shopping for maybe two or three years before that) and would love him to be able to die at home (in the house he built in 1959) when the time comes. But, he's in great physical shape, and I'm not! And, the cost of living increases might price him out of his home. I hope not.