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Original poster

MIL going downhill fast. What else can we try?

34 replies

PauliString · 10/11/2022 10:40

(DH and I have Covid and aren’t at our brightest right now.)

MIL is late 80s and lives alone. Until a month ago she was denying any need for help. Actually, she wasn’t going out at all and DH and BIL were alternating weekends to buy food and clean for her.

She has obvious growing memory problems and confusion. She’s on a long waiting list for memory clinic, another for thyroid, a waiting list for social care needs assessment and OT(?) and yet another for cancer referral.

We finally got some carers to start last week doing two visits a day (despite her). But she’s got so much worse this week, falling and spending all night on the floor, doubly incontinent, can’t now get in or out of bed herself. Social services say not their job to be an emergency service. GP said call 111. BIL called 111 who sent an ambulance who said she wasn’t bad enough for hospital. Care agency overstretched. We’re hours away (and ill).

She hasn’t had any medical assessment of the rapid deterioration. We’re told it could be months. But she can’t feed herself, keep clean, get to the loo, get dressed, answer the phone or pull her own pants on. Who/what do we try next?

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PritiPatelsMaker · 12/11/2022 17:36

You will have to fight like mad to get social services to do anything I'm afraid

That was my experience too. When we've had various oldies in Hospital I've had to ring SWs and Discharge Clerks everyday.

Call 111 again. She has an infection of some kind, hasn’t been assessed, is deteriorating, may require antibiotics, likely to be an emergency admission if not treated and this is preventable

Totally agree. If someone is with her they need to write down her symptoms and call 111. If she gets sorted through then it will be a lot less confusing for her than a Hospital admission.

Original poster
PauliString · 12/11/2022 16:45

MajorCarolDanvers · 12/11/2022 13:17

You will have to fight like mad to get social services to do anything I'm afraid.

She probably needs to move to assisted living or a care home.

I think she’d benefit immensely from a move though she’s always been very against it.

BIL says she got up independently today (hurray!) before the carer arrived and he’s wondering how much can be put down to Covid this past two weeks.

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midlifecrash · 12/11/2022 13:27

Call 111 again. She has an infection of some kind, hasn’t been assessed, is deteriorating, may require antibiotics, likely to be an emergency admission if not treated and this is preventable.

MajorCarolDanvers · 12/11/2022 13:17

You will have to fight like mad to get social services to do anything I'm afraid.

She probably needs to move to assisted living or a care home.

Original poster
PauliString · 12/11/2022 13:14

Right, thanks

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Peekachoochoo · 12/11/2022 13:11

Urgent service is NHS. There should be a rapid response community team if she is falling and at high risk of being hospitalised as a result.

Long term services are provided by the Council so that will be looking at her needs and keeping her independent at home.

Original poster
PauliString · 12/11/2022 12:58

DH and I hoping to be ok to drive (and think straight) in next few days - been a bit flattened for past week or two.

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Original poster
PauliString · 12/11/2022 12:56

Is that medical, social services or council for urgent services, Peekachoochoo?

Thanks for asking, PritiPatelsMaker. Trina out what they’d been told was to ring in the morning to ask for a phone appointment, which they didn’t get.

BIL says he used the words urgent and safeguarding with the gp receptionist, but basically got a telephonic shrug of ‘there isn’t anything we can do as there aren’t any appointments, bye now’. And now he has Covid too, predictably enough.

The current carers are going to up their time to 1.5 hours. That’s the best we’ve managed so far.

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PritiPatelsMaker · 12/11/2022 07:25

Was the appointment at the GP yesterday @PauliString?

Is there any news?

Peekachoochoo · 11/11/2022 22:44

There should be a rapid response/urgent care team for her area. Just google it. They should be able to help.

Original poster
PauliString · 10/11/2022 18:21

Wouldn’t take her, I mean.

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Dodie66 · 10/11/2022 18:20

You could always ask their advice. Tell them the problems and see what they say

purser25 · 10/11/2022 18:19

My Mother was sent home with a 6 week care package of 4 visits a day. She didn’t like it said it was an invasion of her civil liberties and I could do it. My brother and I live with her. We did stick with the six weeks though it was easier when it was twice a day as you were always looking at the clock.

Original poster
PauliString · 10/11/2022 18:16

I hope we can find somewhere nearer than the other end of the country, but I suppose we could do two mums with one visit that way!

Seriously, they would take her with a current Covid infection and without a care needs assessment. Not sure how well she’d travel at the moment anyway (it’s a good five or six hours).

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Dodie66 · 10/11/2022 18:13

why dont you try the carehome your mum is in?no reason why your MIL count go there, would the distance be a problem for you?

Original poster
PauliString · 10/11/2022 18:13

Sounds very familiar, honestly.

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purser25 · 10/11/2022 18:01

Do check for urine infection can send them really crazy. My 97 year old Mother had one in February she rapidly deteriorated soiling the bed and wetting. She went with me by ambulance to, hospital she wasn’t really aware of what was happening just kept on shouting that she felt sick. It was a urine infection boardering on sepsis. She had a few days in hospital but then came home. This was very unusual for her.

reesewithoutaspoon · 10/11/2022 17:30

If this deterioration is sudden then definitely GP review. A lot of elderly can become acutely confused/ incontinent with infection

Original poster
PauliString · 10/11/2022 17:25

Yes, already paying for some care that had just started last week. That company can’t do any extra visits, so it’s back to the phones to see who can.

We’ve been through this a different way with my own mum (who was mentally with it but broke a hip). She couldn’t be discharged home without care in place, which is a bit different. In the end, home care wasn’t enough even if/when they turned up, so she’s in a (lovely) nursing home at not far off that price. That’s 250 miles away or I’d ring them!

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OldMotherShipton · 10/11/2022 17:11

You buy in a private care company whilst trying to get an assessment
Might be up to £6000 a month depending on her need.

Honeyroar · 10/11/2022 17:10

I think I’d be looking at care homes at this point. She might not need hospital yet (which is good as they’re dreadful places for the elderly) but she’s clearly not safe home alone.

Original poster
PauliString · 10/11/2022 17:07

Yes, I’ll do that.

DH is worried that they aren’t on the same page, with BIL in favour of soldiering on and making sure MIL isn’t offended by hearing him say how bad things have got. But the situation already wasn’t working.

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PritiPatelsMaker · 10/11/2022 16:53

It might be worth writing down everything that's concerning you and emailing it to the GP before the visit tomorrow or at least see if DBIL is willing to show an email or a list to the GP?

Original poster
PauliString · 10/11/2022 16:48

I don’t know exactly as I wasn’t there; it was my very mild and polite BIL, who is not the type to insist. He said the paramedics ‘hadn’t thought it was the best plan for her’ which could mean anything.

Appt booked with GP tomorrow, hoping BIL doesn’t also come down with Covid meanwhile.

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PritiPatelsMaker · 10/11/2022 16:35

I'm surprised the paramedics didn't take her to Hospital. Did they say it wasn't necessary or did she refuse to go?