Sister and I can't agree regarding Mum's care

Having experienced both employing live in carers and carehome placement for close relatives over the past few years I would recommend live in carers as they can give one to one attention to their client whilst in a carehome staff have to be shared, and frequently change. Obviously this is greatly influenced by the person to be cared for as carehomes can usually provide a lot more services and activities eg hairdresser coming in, quizzes, live music etc, but my relative in a carehome felt totally out of place there and often called with complaints about staff not appearing when she called for help eg. to get to the toilet, or to let her go to bed or get up, all of which required assistance.
Live in carers were in almost all cases very good although with different individual strengths - one Greek girl was an enthusiastic cook who prepared lovely fresh meals for my DFIL, who agreed to try all sorts of ‘foreign’ food she prepared, whilst others used frozen meals plus fresh veg/ fruit etc but spent lots of time on shared activities. Admittedly my DFIL was an easy and generally compliant Parkinsons patient, whist my Aunt in the carehome was an ex academic in early stages of dementia and could be cantankerous, wheelchair bound, and didn’t really interact with fellow residents.
I hope you can reach a satisfactory resolution as it’s very wearing having to deal with it all. Do take care of yourself.

It would be the assessing social worker. If there is no open referral to adult services then you can ring and request for some support, which would include an advocacy referral.

The process may differ in different areas so it’s worth a call to find out.

Thats good advice about the advocscy service but who requests it

Whether or not family have POA, the client is entitled to support from an independent advocate when there is family
conflict. The local authority adult services usually commission this from the local
advocacy service.

Would your sister prefer to step back completely and rescind her poa, if you cannot agree then either one of you takes control of all the decisions or you involve a third party to mediate.

But I don't think Mum is ready for a home yet she's doing much better since the reduction in her alcohol intake and I just can't do it

If you DM doesn't want to go into a home but is refusing Daycare, she's not being very fair to you or your DSis.

Could you talk to your DM again and say you want her to go to Daycare because you and DSis can't cope?

Researching prior to and preparing for a crisis means that you can cope easier.
It doesn't mean you have to react straight away.
Waiting for it to happen and then reacting can ultimately pile stress on to everybody involved and also leave the vulnerable person at risk of falling through the cracks or at worst serious harm.

I think the health professionals could assess our situation and give advice they saw fit. Not going into too many needless details but my mum lived with us and was under constant care-and I mean constant. As I said previously’ in our situation’ it was good advice from the hp’s and fitted us. Obviously it doesn’t fit ever situation because every situation is different.

It might have worked out well for you, but that doesn't make it good advice from professionals who, at the time they gave it, had no idea what form the crisis might take.

My gran's crisis set the kitchen on fire. Goodness knows what would have happened to my MIL had the police patrol not been passing (she was heading for a wooded area). Another person's crisis might be a fall and a broken hip.
Professionals absolutely should not give advice that puts an elderly and confused person's life at risk.

In our situation it was good advice and I am glad we took it.

I was advised by the regular visiting health professionals to wait for a crisis and on reflection that was good advice

That's terrible advice, and puts the elderly person at risk (see my post above about what happened to my MIL).
That 'helpful' crisis could be devastating and life threatening for the person it actually happens to. It's appalling that those professionals actively suggested putting the person involved at risk.

Folliw your instincts and do what feels right for you and your mum at the present moment. Will your sister step back if you can get more care visits? My situation was so similar to yours so I can empathise. I ended up doing all the care which was the hardest thing I’ve done, but also found it hard when it was suggested to me by family and friends that I ‘put’ my mum in a home, she had fluctuating capacity and certainly didn’t want to go in one. I never understood how you could force someone to go against their wishes.
I was advised by the regular visiting health professionals to wait for a crisis and on reflection that was good advice. Wishing you all the best.

We left it too late with my MIL. We wanted her to start at home for as long as possible, but it ended badly. She was found wandering a mile from home at 5am, by police on a routine patrol. So then a place had to be found urgently and we had no choice where. Fortunately it turned it to be a lovely home, but it might not have been. Also it was harder for MIL to adapt because she was too far gone to understand what was happening.

So yes, while I don't know your mum, I would very much suggest that you start choosing a place now, and don't leave it too late and risk something bad happening to your mum.

I'm sure DS is being difficult, but don't get caught up in fighting her for the sake of it. She might be difficult but she might also be right.

This has been a really helpful thread for me. I'm an only DC, so no argument about who is responsible, but as I have a family and live an hour away there's a limit to how much hands on care I can provide.

Both DPs are just about managing together but this thread shows that it's a really good idea to research options before the time is needed, rather than ending up in crises situation.

That sounds really difficult OP

I understand your frustration about doing so much more than your sister, but it sounds like she has reached her limits. I know it doesn’t seem fair, but you can’t control how much she has to give and neither of you are obligated to help your mum stay at home longer.

Realistically, if you want your mum to stay at home, I think you need to relieve your sister of any mental burden and tell her you’ll deal with improving the care she receives and the logistics. Otherwise, you need to agree to a care home.

If your mum will end up in a care home anyway, it might be kinder to make the love know before she gets more confused.

Good luck with everything.

Fwiw I think you are right, I’d take some small risk on safety, slightly less washed for what was/is her wishes. However your sister is not unreasonable to want to not have an ongoing worry about her safety, now your Mum is so vulnerable.

I watched a friend of mine going through similar when her mother got Alzheimer's. My friend was told by her doctor that her mother would need to be in care home in time due to her needs
Her doctor said to her that she need to look at care homes in the area and advised her of the better ones. He said your better doing this now, have her name down in a few places and in time you get her in but not to wait until a big emergency you may have very little choice.

My friend realised that she needed more care but was reluctant to put her in a home but I said to them you did your best with her but she needs more help now. The care home she went to was nice, the staff were good and my friend could go and see her mother at any time. Her mother was happy their until she died a few years later.
My friend did not realize the strain she was under until after her mother went into the home. She could be her daughter not her career and she had her own life back.

At this stage you going to your mother's 6 days a week and your sister one day. What happens if you get a bad cold, flu or COVID this winter? You not going to be able to go to her. Because your doing so much to keep her at home your missing out on family time and just have a day a week off.

I think you need to chat to your sister and tell her that you don't want to put mum into a home yet. Arrange a meeting with your mother's doctor and ask them what are the good care homes in the area. Your and your sister should look at a few and decide where is the best place and put her name down. It could take a bit time to get a place and sort out the paperwork ect. It not an easy situation to be in.

Is residential care an inevitability? If so id start looking now, we let it get to critical levels before my dad agreed to move and this put tremendous pressure on us and my sister, who really did bare the brunt of the daily visits like you are. We all have eachother the right to step back, because I will openly admit I struggled with the "care" visits we were doing as children. Some people are better than others at it and that's ok, you are your parents children not their carer. Once he was moved in a care home the relief from the worry and pressure from the daily rota was immense. I don't think you can hold your sister up to the standards you have (very honourably!) set. Work out what is best for you all, and find the balance between quality and life for you ALL. Massive handhold because I've been though it and it's awful

From experience, I've found a stay in hospital to be very hard on my relative. But once settled in a care home, after the initial settling in period. They became a lot more of their normal self.

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Agree with Dint about this.

OP, I suspect the reason your thread has so many posts in a short space of time is that people recognise the scenario.
I have several sets of friends whose siblings are absolutely not on the same page. Two brothers, one sister. The sister wants DM to go to care home before she is too ill, The brothers are 'ashamed' that this is even a suggestion and want the sister to step up and do more. (Sister already there four days a week.) Brother and sister. Sister is in pieces after coping for years but no longer has the energy. Brother doesn't want care home fees to diminish his inheritance. Two sisters. One has made promise to DM that she will never go into a care home and doesn't want to go back on her word. Other sister overwhelmed by the stress of daily visits and scared of finding DM at the foot of stairs.

In at least two of these instances I don't think the siblings will stay in touch after parent dies.

I have a suspicion that even though you and your DSis don't agree, your DM won't be heading to the carehome anytime soon as DM can't be forced. My MIL with increasing dementia, spent very many months (over a year) a prisoner upstairs in her home, unable to get to the kitchen, as she refused to try to go downstairs. Eventually her failing mobility hastened her into a care home as she couldn't get out of bed.

Even the closest of siblings who agree would struggle with heightened stress and emotions. A DM who has failed to future proof in any way or whose alcoholism has impacted on the wider family could makes your circumstances even harder than most.

It's so difficult OP and sounds like you are doing an amazing job. Ultimately you also need to think about yourself as well and how sustainable this is for everyone. I say this having experienced doing 24 care for my mum over the summer with my sister, brother and dad to try to keep my mum at home. But we are still coping with the impact it had on us.

Having been through something similar with my mum, though it was cancer rather than dementia, I would say being as proactive as possible is definitely the way forwards.

My parents didn't want to have the difficult meeting/conversation with the GP about arrangements for palliative care and mum's wishes until as late as possible which meant by the time we did it and got her wishes recorded, eg a DNR, she was starting to lose mental capacity.

The GP really led it for us but adult social care were useful too and could offer adjustments at home if you haven't had anything from them. It was too late for us by the time we contacted them.

All the best - such a difficult time