House clearance heartache

That's very traumatic on so many levels.

I know that feeling.

When my great aunt died she left me her house, a large Victorian property in north London. Only it was complete with everything still as she had it. We kept as much as we could but a lot had to go. It was heartbreaking and I often just sat on the stairs and cried my eyes out when the mens came to collect her possessions.

I know she would understand and tell me not to be so silly but it was like throwing somebody's life away. I miss her so much.

See I feel differently. It was my childhood home and my parents lived there for 50+ years.
I kept a large sideboard and chest of drawers (full of the family photos) , a hand made Welsh blanket and embroidered tablecloths as part of my Grandmother's Wedding chest.
I took garden pots (that give me so much pleasure when they come into bloom) and cuttings to dry from garden plants.I've even got tools that my father had that are way beyond what you can buy today.
However my mother had cleared through her own things as she got older and carefully labelled things with little notes she wanted us to keep (such as some pearls that were my father's first gift to her 😔). They had several good quality items that you replicate nowadays . She had also written that no possessions mattered to her as much as her children...
All these things including the photos are absolutely my most treasured possessions. Memories are triggered my objects so whilst in themselves they perhaps don't fit in my house they somehow do. I love the fact I can use them (the milk pan and rolling pin we had as children!).
I wish I'd taken longer to decide over certain things so if anything I'd 'sit' on the undecided items.
I have got a lot of costume jewellery that my mother loved that I don't wear though and am going to sift through again.
It's such a hard process.

I will have to tackle this job in time to come so I can imagine some of the huge feelings it brings up.

Although a different scenario, when my mum died and we had to go through her things, we found it helpful to mentally separate everything into two categories - 'everyday things' and 'precious things'.

Everyday things like ordinary clothes, kitchen utensils, random stuff all got packaged up for charity shops. 'Precious things' where there was a lovely memory attached went into different boxes to be handled later. It was too emotionally overwhelming to go through 'precious things' at that point so I put everything away in storage in the garage. When I felt stronger, I was able to gradually work my way through them.

Obviously you've got a lot to do in a short space of time but this little mental strategy helped me. Sending a handhold for a really tough job!

I have burned my letters from my EX . I didn't want them around and I certainly didn't want my DCs to see them . Also my diaries as it is too sad. They don't need that extra stress.
My DF was a very organised man and one thing that we all appreciated was that all his photos had names, date and place they taken on the back. I wonder what the modern equivalent would be ?

It may not be something you’d want to do but look up ‘Mass Observation’ during the war diaries of everyday people were kept (the film Nella Lasts War was based on one ladies diary) I think they still collate diaries, I briefly looked into it when I cleared out the house I live in now as the old lady who’d lived here had some wartime diaries, but I didn’t follow it up.

What an excellent idea. I looked it up and I think this might be the book you mean. The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning: How to Free Yourself and Your Family from a Lifetime of Clutter
Book by Margareta Magnusson

I think it would be more popular if she'd thought of a better name for it!!

Dealing with all of that was such a stressful, miserable time. added to squabbling relatives. I vowed I'd never put our children through it. Still working on the organisational part, although its only me that is willing to jettison stuff.

The one thing I kept of MILs was a big box full of the letters they exchanged while FIL was away in WWII. He left home in 1941 and she didn't see him again until 1946.
I have never opened them as too personal and yet I can't throw them away

My parents were in their seventies when they died in a car crash. They had sorted through the garage and discarded things, but they had no idea they would die as soon as they did.

Also people still want stuff around them. Before my friend died of cancer she spent hours looking at old photos and videos, she did not want to give them away or get rid of them.

For those of you with family diaries PLEASE don't bin or burn them... they are such important social and historical documents. While you want to respect your loved one's privacy, please think about sending them to something like this
www.thegreatdiaryproject.co.uk/
where they will be treated with respect

Monday - very wise words. But the vast majority of people dont do they? Is it laziness (definitely in my DF's case!) and then it gets far too much and others have to do it. Do people not care that 'someone' else has to search through your belongings? You end up not being able to have people to stay or indeed anyone to visit. My DF had to move to a care home because doing up the house was a massive task and wasnt possible. You couldnt even get carers in. No one would want to have stayed in the clutter and mess.

Still dont know why people would take stuff over 50 years old....

My sympathies to you OP and everyone else. But let this be a lesson to everyone. There's such a thing as death cleaning. You all have said how painful it is to go through a relatives' possessions, so don't put your own children through it.
I first heard about it on a radio 4 program. A Swedish woman explained how to sort all your life crap out so your children/relatives won't have to. Declutter, organise paperwork, write a will and explain how you would like the funeral to be, (cremation, burial what have you). Make clear list of all your accounts, investments and anything of value. Have a folder with marriage, birth, divorce certificates. Just make it so clearing your home after your death is full of lovely memories rather than a depressing and heavy chore.
My mother was very organised until her last couple years. But she took care of her things and believed in quality over quantity. Going through her things was relatively easy. A few surprises- a savings account we didn't realise she had, bundles of photos she had made for each of us (now all scanned and I will make photo books from them). Her paperwork had become a bit disorganised but we got through it, and it was very helpful when going through probate.
Do it now, keep on top of it, your children will thank you.

I’m just about to start this for my beloved dad’s house. Luckily? probate is probably going to take ages as it’s not a standard house, so I’m hoping I can do it gradually. There are barns and outbuildings to clear too. So much stuff.

We took a while to clear out my Mil’s house before we sold it as she was in a home. I can’t imagine how stressful it must be to have to do it all in a short time.

I did this for my DGM and it took a long time and was at times so hard. It was a huge house filled with stuff.

She had many duplicates of everything so I was able to give some of it away. We kept sentimental things and donated the clothing. This was before the give stuff away free Facebook sites so we hired a clearance company to move the furniture we didn't want.

We hired two skips and encouraged everyone to take whatever they wanted.

Sending love x

Although some people state the 'contents go to charity'....

I didnt find this at all with DF's house a few years ago. 5 bed house with 50 years of junk, damaged furniture, his clothes, my DGM's clothes, fur coats, beds that were truly disgusting. What charity takes contents 30-50 years old? I had the house cleared. It was floor to ceiling with old newspapers and in the end it wasnt possible to be a finger tip search. His post is redirected to me and I thought eventually the sender would find me.

It was truly horrible (siblings didnt help (as normal!).

Now going through Mum's house. Hers is just tat. Why do older people do this? My DF before he moved stated it didnt bother him and it was for someone else to sort out. We had the fire service, and various medical services come into the house but they said as he had capacity he could live how he wanted.

I asked my DC if they wanted anything. My Dd only wanted a little tin that my mother used to have toffees in by the side of her armchair.
I have it at present. It makes me cry just looking at it.
I still have Dad's gardening hat, though its too big for me. 😭

@antelopevalley - I’m so sorry. That’s so cruel.

Beanie hat and lawn bowls ( gulp) 😢That’s heartbreaking.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow, it's definitely the small, insignificant (to everyone else) stuff that makes it so hard - it's more personal, somehow than the big ticket items. My Dad's beanie hat and lawn bowls made me cry buckets when we were clearing his things.

We're quite lucky in a way that we cleared my parent's house when DM moved in with us so she was able to make decisions about many of her belongings and much was disposed of while she was still here. However, she had some lovely furniture which we couldn't give away because it was 'brown' and no-one wanted it - we had to pretend a charity had taken it because she would have been heartbroken to know it ended up at the dump.

It's made us realise that we can't put our family through same, so we will be paring our lives down as we get older.

I had to do this with my Dad’s flat nearly 2 years ago and am just about to start on my
mum’s flat. I was quite ruthless, I took home about 2 car boots worth of stuff. If it gave me a feeling that I needed to keep it then I didn’t overthink it and took it home. I kept all my DF’s photos and albums and enjoy using a lot of things such as his sewing kit and massive stash of tin foil and cling film oh and also a mini Xmas tree that I put in the kitchen.
As he lived far away from me it made things easier in a way as I had to be practical and get on with things in as few trips as possible.
It is a slightly different situation with my DM as she’s going in a care home so I’ll take some bits for her room there.

@MarshaMelrose I had no choice. It was very hard.

Yes, so hard. Can only say that I'm glad we went through my dad's stuff when he went into a care home so a lot sorted before he died.

He was a real hoarder. And a keen photographer. I still have huge bags full of slides that I need to think about what to do with.

I don't know how you did it, @antelopevalley ! Every decision is so hard but to have to work that quickly on top of the shock and grief of a double loss.... My heart goes out to you, it really does.

@roselemon I am. I had to get rid of so much stuff without a minute to think about it. I prioritised photos though. They are irreplaceable.