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Elderly parents
Original poster

Mum doesn’t want to move to Assisted Living

66 replies

urgen · 20/10/2022 19:07

She wants to stay where she is. She has lived alone in a small house for 40 years. House is very dated but she isn’t a hoarder. She walks with a frame and is housebound although once a day she goes to the shop at the end of the road for her paper and some food. She doesn’t drive or use public transport. If it’s all done for her she is fine.

She broke her hip a few years ago and it was only because DS stayed with her than she managed to recover. She has conveniently forgot about that. Most things are now blown out of all proportion and she calls me a lot over silly things. I live over 100 miles away.

If she falls again it’s curtains for her living where is does (London) and she would probably have to go straight into a care home which she would hate. I thought Assisted Living very near me would be ideal but clearly not.

Any wise words? I want to shout at her and say that she is being incredibly selfish to insist she stays where she is and pretends it’s all OK but
when it isn’t screams out for me to help. She is very sweet natured and doesn’t have memory loss or dementia. My DH isn’t in the best of health and I work. Siblings are not in the UK.

She is 90 btw.

OP posts:
A580Hojas · 20/10/2022 19:26

My uncle went to a care home at 87 and died at nearly 92. He made friends in there with two other elderly gents - they were the 3 amigos - again, he was kindly looked after.

merrymelodies · 20/10/2022 19:24

I can definitely see your mum's pov. Respect her choice and give her the life she wants if you possibly can.

A580Hojas · 20/10/2022 19:24

My Grandma moved from living in an annexe with my mother, to assisted living where she was fine (before a fall) for about 3 years, then hospital after the fall, then 2 or 3 years in the care home. She died at 95 and was only very unwell and unhappy for the final month. The care home at the end was like a hospice for her. They were lovely people.

MissMarplesGoddaughter · 20/10/2022 19:22

I also think your mother is marvellous walking to the shops everyday. I would second having a frank conversation with her. I think her views might surprise you.....

A580Hojas · 20/10/2022 19:21

AnotherVice · 20/10/2022 19:14

I disagree with the above. Most people don't survive more than a few months in a care home. She is 90 and stills walks to the shop everyday, that's marvellous! If you have a frank conversation I'm sure she'd happily tell you she'd rather die in her own home.

I disagree with this. Many elderly people see a marked improvement in both their physical health and mental health in a good care home. Think about it - there's always someone to talk to, they make sure you take your meds at the right time of day, food is provided, it is warm and clean (usually). I'm quite fed up with people demonising all care homes. Some are excellent.

Bramblejoos · 20/10/2022 19:19

Can you get people to call round - cleaner -someone who makes lunch and leaves a sandwich for teatime eetc

Heavenknows22 · 20/10/2022 19:18

I think if she has capacity to make that decision then it’s up to her. I understand as I have a parent in ill health although ten years younger and they will only do it their way and I have had to back off.

Cuppasoupmonster · 20/10/2022 19:18

They do but it’s much less likely.

AnotherVice · 20/10/2022 19:17

Cuppasoupmonster people fall in care homes too.

40andfit · 20/10/2022 19:16

I have no wise words. I’m in a similar ish situation with my parents. Have you asked her why she doesn’t want to move? Would she consider moving to assisted living in her area or carers coming into her home?

ScarlettnotOHara · 20/10/2022 19:16

@AnotherVice yes I agree, it’s a big upheaval and not always in the best interest of the person especially if they still have capacity.

Cuppasoupmonster · 20/10/2022 19:15

AnotherVice · 20/10/2022 19:14

I disagree with the above. Most people don't survive more than a few months in a care home. She is 90 and stills walks to the shop everyday, that's marvellous! If you have a frank conversation I'm sure she'd happily tell you she'd rather die in her own home.

She won’t if she has a fall or something that isn’t immediately fatal. It’ll be weeks in a hospital ward.

AnotherVice · 20/10/2022 19:14

I disagree with the above. Most people don't survive more than a few months in a care home. She is 90 and stills walks to the shop everyday, that's marvellous! If you have a frank conversation I'm sure she'd happily tell you she'd rather die in her own home.

40andfit · 20/10/2022 19:14

I have no wise words. I’m in a similar ish situation with my parents. Have you asked her why she doesn’t want to move? Would she consider moving to assisted living in her area or carers coming into her home?

ScarlettnotOHara · 20/10/2022 19:13

Hi, I work with the elderly . Lots of things you can do if she’s happy staying in her own
home . Pendant alarms , either private carers or liaise with the local social services and get a carer’s assessment . Council can put you in touch with the OT department and a company that fits grab rails etc.

Cuppasoupmonster · 20/10/2022 19:11

My granddad took this view. Left it until the last possible moment to leave his house and even then it was for an assisted flat which didn’t meet his needs - he needed a proper care home. He fell, broke his leg and sadly died in hospital after six long and painful weeks. If he had moved into the care home a few years before, he likely wouldn’t have fallen and would probably have died surrounded by his own things in a familiar room and staff he knew. Tell her this story and see what she says. Also don’t hesitate to tell her the impact this is having on you.

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