Mum doesn’t want to move to Assisted Living

To be honest if I was 90and as able as your mum sounds I’d want to stay in the home I’d lived in for 40 years too. I’d probably also be happy gambling with consequences of a fall which haven’t happened yet, that that age my great grandma didn’t care if she died either as she’d “had a good innings”.

I feel for you OP, my Mum had the same situation with my Nan. She was fiercely independent, that is, until she wasn’t and a light bulb or her boiler went then she’d call my mum expecting her to drop everything and rush around. She wouldn’t have any carers or any help whatsoever - not even a cleaner. Her house was pretty messy and my Mum had to help her do her shopping. Not quite the distance you travelled but 45mins each way and my Mum worked FT. She never moved.

i remember the pressure it put on my Mum - I’m sorry you’re going through that too.

As your mum is receptive to carers could she have one more often? Maybe a cleaner as an alternative to a carer one day a week? Just so someone other than you is going in.

My neighbour is elderly and I have the code for a key safe for him so if his family ring and he doesn’t answer, they can call me to go and check on him - is this an option?

No OP cannot facilitate this. She needs to be Frank with her mum.

True. She would be classed as a falls risk and would become hospitalised staff tend to do a lot for patients and patients forget when they go home they need to do it themselves. It's sad but it's not OPS choice who would want to live in someone else's house???

My nan lives in assisted living and still says she wants to go home! 6 years on.

OP re the Sky example

This is the sort of thing that gets very short shrift from me. Mum has tried that - it was Sky as well oddly enough - and I was very clear that it had to wait till I had time to sort it. She admits that she wouldn't call my sister about that.

so much as it seems cruel, if you get calls like that, you need to deal with them in a way that doesn't make you grind your teeth.

I can completely see why your mum doesn't want to move but she needs local help in place.

I’m making a note of all my friends who are so sure they’ll put themselves into care years before it is needed just to be completely sure they won’t be a burden on their kids. My mum used to say she would move closer ‘as soon as I need more help than you can provide’ (I’m 90 minutes away). Well now she’s 87, needs a lot of help and bursts into tears if anyone mentions her moving.

However, like your mum she still has mental capacity so it’s up to her. She has a cleaner every week and someone to do her shopping. There’s a local service that takes her to medical appointments. So she manages. When it comes down to it she would rather have a shorter life in her own home than a longer one in care. She knows the risk she is taking that she won’t get the peaceful end she hopes for. I’d suggest a full and open conversation. Does she have an advanced care directive that specifies what care she wants if she has a medical crisis? Sometimes that can be a good starting point to talk about their preferences more broadly.

It is a hard call. I have a relative living with me. In practical terms it would have been better if had he had moved to Assisted Living before this. But really wanted to stay in his own home until he absolutely had to leave. It is not as simple as moving somewhere, the change is overwhelming. It is unfortunate that you live so far away . You have been given some good suggestions as you what can put in place to help.

Have you got power of attorney set up for health & finances ?

Can you get her post redirected to you, then you can deal with it ?

If she can walk to the shops. She can refuse to move closer to you

I can understand your frustration, but she has the right to live where she wants

Sure, but then she has to accept the downsides too. Parents cannot expect their children to turn themselves inside out to facilitate an impossible situation.

OP, there is no answer to this.

I totally understand why she wants to continue to live at home and she isn’t housebound if she goes out everyday in her own community. My parents lived for over 50 years in the same home and only moved out at the end to a hospice for a very short time. I also have two relatives in their early -mid 90s currently living in their homes who need a lot more support than your mum (carers a few times pd etc.). This week, as well as the carers, one has had the cleaner, gardener, home visit for a vaccine and local guy to sort out the laptop as well as a school friend visit from abroad and probably local friends popping in too. It is awful when there is a crisis, fractured hip, falls, covid etc. but these things still happen in care homes / assisted living. How often do you manage to visit?

Thing is OP, if you're moving her 100 miles, you're moving her away from everything that's familiar and I don't think you should underestimate the impact this will have on her. Has she always lived in London? Does she have friends and acquaintances nearby? I'm guessing the answer to that is 'Yes'. She walks to the shops every day where she is, could she do that where you want to move her? Aside from you, who else does she know where you live? You'd be asking her to start all over again socially at 90, which is a huge ask.

I can understand your frustration, but she has the right to live where she wants. I think the only answer is for her to either go into assisted living where she is, or to accept more help from carers, because she sounds lonely and bewildered by certain aspects of modern life (which is totally normal for the elderly), but she clearly needs more social support in her day-to-day life.

@MereDintofPandiculation but their ‘life decisions’ become everyone else’s ‘life decisions’ when they are constantly forced to step in after a fall/accident etc.

if they hadn't been so selfish a few years ago they would already have been in sheltered care nearby. Hmm … you may feel things differently when you reach the same age and people are trying to take life decisions for you

My DM was the same. She was determined to stay at home and managed well by herself with help, until about three weeks before she died, aged 88.

We organised the support SHE wanted, which meant...

an alarm button on a pendant
A gardener 1 afternoon a week,
a cleaner 1 afternoon a week
a home hairdresser once every 2 weeks
Farm Foods delivery once every two weeks
Milkman
A home chiropodist
A window cleaner
plus occasional boiler service man, chimney sweep etc

By spreading things out, and taking it turns to visit at weekends, we made sure that she was never alone longer than she wanted to be. Her visitors and deliveries meant she always had a reason to get up and dressed, tidy. Always something to look forward to or gossip about. It was less expensive than sheltered housing, she was happy and she stayed with her garden.

What about an au pair or a family member who is studying or something?

It's annoying isn't it? While she is still capable she could have some choice in where she lives, closer to you, without you having to put your life on hold when the worst inevitably happens.

We have just had this with PIL. Wouldn't move closer to us so now that MIL has early stage dementia and FIL has fallen, we have MIL living with us (argh) and are having to sell their house in a hurry. All has fallen on DH re selling, sorting out care etc. if they hadn't been so selfish a few years ago they would already have been in sheltered care nearby and we could have organised care and popped in regularly, not be full time carers with our lives on hold.

Unfortunately they are adults and make their own decisions without concern about the future impact on everyone else.

In fact FIL wouldn't have fallen cutting the bloody hedge.

I have a friend in the same situation too. Mother in care 100 miles away and both resistant to moving closer to help their DD.

I agree. If she can walk to the shop every day she is doing well. You can get an alarm pendant in case she falls - if you can't get there the service provider (council in my dad's case) will get there and call an ambulance if necessary. Carers can be arranged to assist with washing and dressing when that becomes necessary. Can you imagine what it must be like to be pushed into leaving your home and all your memories. I expect she wants to die in her own home and unless she had dementia and was a danger to herself she should be allowed to.

Could you just stress that you'd like to be able to spend a lot more time with her? Perhaps she needs to actually see what the Assisted Living place looks like - she might be imagining something worse that the actual experience.

I get your frustration, but I don't think you can insist a person who is compos mentis ought to make your life easier by uprooting themselves and leaving their home.

You have choices here. You resent helping her - but you seem to be doing it all the same? If you were to stop doing that (eg., by saying 'sorry mum, DH isn't well and I can't talk' on these 'silly' phonecalls, would she end up with a more realistic sense of the situation?

Has she had a csre needs assessment and a therapy team who could make adaptations to her house to help. Can she live downsta@40andfit irs, have daily csrers, falls alsrms and a careline. Do you know what caused the fall. Falls are common in hospitals, carehomes and assisted living. The only difference is there are staff to help .

If she walks to local shop she isn't housebound. She sounds quite able. My nan had a horrific fall in her own home (very severe break and skin grafts) but also fell in hospital and in care homes. Im not sure it is 'much less likely' to fall in a home unless they are encouraged to sit all day or always supervised. My nan did move into a home once she was unable to do more than transfer and walk a few steps. I think if she has capacity you have to go with what she decides even if you feel it is unwise. You can't stop falls entirely but you can reduce risks and worse outcomes eg check Bone Health, vision etc etc.

Can she afford to stay where she is? Can she afford more support?