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Elderly parents
Original poster

Impossible Question but how long?

37 replies

ShouldIknowthisalready · 18/10/2022 16:58

I feel awful asking this but anyway....

89 year old Mum in a care home for 2 and half years. Has dementia and not been able to walk for the last 18 months & incontinent. Hard to understand but did chatter away, could not answer questions directed at her.

In the last week she is now not able to swallow and bed ridden can no longer make any words, sleeps a lot but does open her eyes and tries to talk. Not in pain and does not appear to be agitated etc.

It seems she is swallowing small amounts of soup but can not take her meds. The home has set up end of life medication but she is not having it yet as seems settled.

Previously she seemed to declined in stages and then level out at that stage for quite a long time.

Can this stage go on for a while. It is no life for Mum but I am grateful that at the moment she is not frightened or in pain.

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Arucanafeather · 14/11/2022 17:51

Mumski45 · 14/11/2022 14:22

@Arucanafeather that is exactly what it feels like. Prolonging the suffering of both my Dad who is dying and my elderly Mum who is his carer.

I would feel the same too. Sending you some big hugs for this tough time.

Mumski45 · 14/11/2022 14:22

@Arucanafeather that is exactly what it feels like. Prolonging the suffering of both my Dad who is dying and my elderly Mum who is his carer.

Arucanafeather · 13/11/2022 21:12

ShouldIknowthisalready · 01/11/2022 16:18

Just to update that Mum passed away yesterday.

We were so fortunate that the last couple of weeks were totally peaceful and calm for her.

I hope for any of you still facing this that your loved ones may also have a peaceful and calm experience

Thinking of you, your Mum and your family.

Arucanafeather · 13/11/2022 21:09

imaditto · 18/10/2022 17:59

I've a parent whose has yet to get this bad, still mobile, sometimes incontinent but is so deaf that talking to them is impossible. No quality of life and I know they would not like to be in the situation they find themselves in. They need to be prompted to eat and drink.

I have an LPA along with other family members. If it was down to me I would not be prompting them and let nature take it's course. It sounds so harsh and cruel but I long for them to be out the miserable life they now have. We've done all we can to improve life quality but nothing has worked, they can't hear the tv and books and magazines can't be followed because their memory does not retain what's just been read.

OP, I hope your mum passes soon and painlessly.

I feel the same. I’m all for prolonging life but I’m not a fan of prolonging death.

Mumski45 · 13/11/2022 21:05

@ShouldIknowthisalready thank you for the hand hold. Dad is still clinging on but is getting more sleepy and confused every day. It's awful to see him like this and I do hope he is not in pain. But how would we know? He can't communicate well at all now. He mouths some words but even when you can make out the words they don't make any sense.

XingMing · 13/11/2022 18:08

I only jumped in here at the tail end, but the kind words to the OP have soothed me too. So thank you all. The internet can be very kind too.

Words · 13/11/2022 14:29

Condolences OP. So glad it was peaceful.

Embrace the relief. FlowersFlowers

Original poster
ShouldIknowthisalready · 13/11/2022 14:09

Thank you all for your comments. The words of strangers has really helped.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShouldIknowthisalready · 13/11/2022 14:08

Mumski45 · 09/11/2022 18:19

@ShouldIknowthisalready so sorry to hear hear about your Mum passing but good to hear it was peaceful. My Dad has had Lewy bodies dementia for a few years now. He has deteriorated significantly in the last few weeks to the extent that I think the best we can hope for now is a quick and peaceful end. However I feel so guilty thinking like this. A month ago his quality of life was worth fighting for but now he seems so confused when awake and sleeps most of the time. He is well cared for (my mum is a saint) but I feel I should be doing more.

Dont be hard on yourself we can only do what we can do. It is a very hard time and we all have to deal with it the best we can. Unmunsnetty hand hold.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShouldIknowthisalready · 13/11/2022 14:06

XingMing · 06/11/2022 19:03

And we are relieved. DMIL was returned to her residential home on Wednesday afternoon and passed away later that day.

Flowers
OP posts:
Mumski45 · 09/11/2022 18:19

@ShouldIknowthisalready so sorry to hear hear about your Mum passing but good to hear it was peaceful. My Dad has had Lewy bodies dementia for a few years now. He has deteriorated significantly in the last few weeks to the extent that I think the best we can hope for now is a quick and peaceful end. However I feel so guilty thinking like this. A month ago his quality of life was worth fighting for but now he seems so confused when awake and sleeps most of the time. He is well cared for (my mum is a saint) but I feel I should be doing more.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 09/11/2022 09:41

So sorry for your loss. I'm glad the end was peaceful.

Borntobeamum · 09/11/2022 08:01

💗

FinallyHere · 06/11/2022 19:24

@ShouldIknowthisalready

Thinking of you.

I remember feeling hugely guilty for not feeling any sadness because it was such a blessing to have it all over

The sadness came later, when all the arrangements were over

Take it easy on yourself xx

MammaWeasel · 06/11/2022 19:09

💗

XingMing · 06/11/2022 19:03

And we are relieved. DMIL was returned to her residential home on Wednesday afternoon and passed away later that day.

XingMing · 02/11/2022 11:40

Flowers @ShouldIknowthisalready . It must be a huge relief for you and your family. I am so pleased the end was peaceful, and hope we can achieve a similar tranquil departure.

Alcemeg · 01/11/2022 21:13

Bless you @ShouldIknowthisalready ... so glad that her journey came to a tranquil end and that she is no longer suffering. Flowers

MereDintofPandiculation · 01/11/2022 20:08

@ShouldIknowthisalready Flowers

Original poster
ShouldIknowthisalready · 01/11/2022 16:18

Just to update that Mum passed away yesterday.

We were so fortunate that the last couple of weeks were totally peaceful and calm for her.

I hope for any of you still facing this that your loved ones may also have a peaceful and calm experience

OP posts:
maeveiscurious · 18/10/2022 21:05

My DM was determined to be in the terminal phase in January.

Alcemeg · 18/10/2022 21:02

Based on what I've seen, which might not be typical, I'd say a week or two.

So sorry OP, it's such a lose/lose situation. I'm sure you've already made the most of the time you have left. Drawing a line under it all somewhere isn't easy. Xxx

XingMing · 18/10/2022 20:56

It is awful @ShouldIknowthisalready . I send my sympathy and support to you and your family, and we completely understand how you must be feeling. Flowers

Original poster
ShouldIknowthisalready · 18/10/2022 20:42

Thank you all for your comments they are really appreciated.

@XingMing Mum did something very similar 3 weeks ago . She did not break anything but had a major wound on her head and knee and needed a GA to repair it all. Her hospital stay was very very hard and she spent 2 days in A&E waiting for a bed. She did recover to get back to her nursing home luckily but initially seem to rally but has now deteriorated.

I am so sorry that so many of you have gone through this.

OP posts:
XingMing · 18/10/2022 20:14

@ShouldIknowthisalready , you have all my sympathy. MIL93, with dementia, threw herself out of bed in a dream recently and broke her femur at the hip and an arm. She's been in a very busy acute ward for three weeks and had deteriorated in front of our eyes but there's nothing to be done to make her better. She was deemed "medically fit for discharge" and should have gone back to her residential nursing home this afternoon. But now, she's feeling poorly, so they are keeping her a bit longer, but it is only delaying the inevitable. There is nothing more the hospital can do. The cruelty of modern geriatric medicine. I would have put an elderly dog to sleep in her condition. Stayed there, held her hand, talked to her and played her favourite music, and seen her off.