91 year old mother gets me down!

Snap!

Sympathy to everyone else dealing with a miserable and selfish parent.

Smoking is a big factor in the development of dementia. Contact the surgery and see if they can call her in for a memory assessment under the guise of a well woman check.

I don't think you'll regret your words OP when she's gone. Because she died doesn't change the truth or give her a free pass for poor behaviour.

Odfod. She sounds like a shit mother, exactly like mine. And all I’ll feel is relief when mine finally passes. Well done for attempting to pile on unnecessary guilt when the op is already down.

I am in a very similar situation to OPs, with a critical, judgemental, bitter narcissistic mother who has almost zero self awareness or empathy. So many times, she had told me, over the years, when I have tried to standup to her, telling her that I will not put up with verbal and emotional abuse from her anymore, she responds by saying that I would bitterly regret saying these things once she is gone. That infact I would be crying with deepest regret and sadness for the way spoke to her.

Please don’t tell the OP that she may regret words. She probably won’t and some things just need to be said, and it doesn’t matter if they are old and/or your mother - these 2 things should never be an excuse to overlook and forgive utterly shit behaviour. Some times blood is not thicker than water.

My dad died this summer, really suddenly and unexpectedly, and my mum is by herself. She's a lovely person - fun, charming, caring - but her memory has GONE and I'm finding it really frustrating. Plus she's bordering on agoraphobic, hates the doctors, and smokes like a chimney.

She's rattling round in her big house but can't decide whether or not to move. I love her to bits but her memory issues are stressful and I can't get her to speak to anyone about it. She says "I'm just old!" but other people in their 80s aren't like that.

OP I feel for you. Does she have contact with friends or family?

I actually did have a good relationship with my mum (81) but she has dropped all her friends and the activities and interests she's had all her life and now depends entirely on me for support. I love her but I find it all so upsetting and confusing.

My mum is very outgoing and sociable and loves praise and being the centre of attention (dh calls it The Mum Show) so when I allude to her struggling to anyone who knows her they look at me like I have two heads.

She's well supported by professionals she's had longstanding relationships with and they think she's still very active and happy.

This is such a difficult stage, when your parent becomes dependent, and it's exacerbated by any struggles they're going through already as well as magnifying any existing differences between you. People reminding you that your parent will soon be dead aren't helpful.

I can only offer sympathy OP.

I do mostly have a good relationship with mum but some days can be like this. I'm scared it will get worse if she gets much older.

My dad died at 79. Do I miss him being a total pain in the butt? No. I missed the nice things initially but life takes over and you recover.

but if you haven't got any nice stuff with your mum, that must be so hard. Is it worth telling her to stop being a pain and take her for lunch or something? My parent/s respond well to being told off when they are a pain. I think some people just can't face giving their folks a telling off but it can help.

That sounds hard.
Try to remember that you are not responsible for her happiness, or indeed anyone’s. So don’t feel you have to ‘do’ anything.
If you can’t get off the phone, say there’s someone at the door and you’ve got to go!
Respect your own feelings.

Wow. I really think you may regret these words once she's gone.

It sounds like you're lucky enough not to have parents like this.

OP I don't really know what the answer is, can anyone else do more for her? Maybe in a paid capacity? Might ease things for you a bit. Maybe have no contact days?

I ditched mine a long time ago. Sounds utterly draining OP and no, you don't regret it when it's warranted. Wish people would stop popping up on these threads and saying that crap. Some mother's aren't nurturing or nice people.

You need to expect she's going to bring you down. Save the phone calls when you feel able to brush them off.

Wow. I really think you may regret these words once she's gone.

I know myself that having elderly parents is extremely hard but I think you've reached a point of resentment, bordering on hatred by the sounds of it

It is weird as I could have written your exact post this morning only my mum is 75! Sending sympathy. I don't know how to manage it either. It gets me down.