91 year old mother gets me down!

That is said by someone with no understanding whatsoever. OP you have my utmost sympathy as I'm in exactly the same situation.

Hit “post” by mistake … I wonder if your keeping your troubles to yourself and being affected by your mother’s depression are two sides of the same coin? You feel as a recipient of her depression that you need to solve her problem, you don’t tell her your troubles because “it’s not her problem to solve”?

I suppose my question really is how do you stop other people's depression getting you down too? Try to move to being a detached observer. If it helps, keep pencil and paper next to you, note down how many depressed statements she makes, or how many “er..”s, or how many times she says “was” - anything to make that shift to being an observer.

Will I tell her I've had a miserable day? Hell NO! Why not? I would want to know if my

DC was having a bad time.

lifetime

🙄

It sounds like OPs had a line of her mothers misery.

It’s never too late to go no contact imo. Or you have to find a way of getting through the phone call without it getting to you. Treat the phone call like a task to complete and then get on with your day. Change the subject to something brighter.

Redqueenheart -don’t think is the same situation as OP’s her mum seems to be a bit pessimistic, sad , depressed ,whatever, she wasn’t harmed or abused by her mum in any way

I suppose my question really is how do you stop other people's depression getting you down too? It really is a contagious illness.

Something my counsellor told me that might help you.

When someone vents at you, gets angry, and generally takes you down with them just tell yourself
’This is theirs, not mine. Their sadness/anger/anxiety/problems. It’s theirs, not mine’
I found it helps me put some distance and nit get sucked in iyswim

It sounds like you made a very brave decision there and the right one for you. Any guiltripper simply does not understand your relationship and lived experience with your mother.

I totally agree with this. It is not an option for me either, nor do I want it to be. I want to be kind and caring to her, it is my job now, it is just hard sometimes and I need to allow myself the occasional mental break and not feel guilty. I intellectually understand why my DM is like she is too. There are aspects of her early life which I can see were very hard. She has suffered a lot of bereavement for example.

But my goodness, occasional moaning is essential.

I did laugh a bit . Not a chance in hell no. A person doesn't ask to be born. They are owed fuck all just because they give birth to you.

@ChelseaRobertsofMalibu ''Wow. I really think you may regret these words once she's gone.''

@pompei8309 ''Seriously , she’s your mother, can you not detach a bit so it won’t affect you that much but still be a daughter??''

Here we go, the usual platitudes...

Some people just never develop a bond with a parents, especially if that parent was toxic/abusive.

There is nothing to regret or miss when someone like that is gone because you never liked or loved them in the first place. Instead there is a sense of relief and the feeling that a burden has finally be lifted.

The only thing I regret when it comes to my mother is the fact that I should have cut all contact with her earlier than I did.

The most honest thing I ever did was to admit that I did not love a woman who had done me so much harm and caused me so much pain and that I was better off never seeing her again. In my case I don't have to ''be a daughter'' to someone who was never a decent mother.

I get it OP. The "just ditch her" option is simply not on for me - she's annoying and miserable, not villainous, in my case. She had a shit childhood of her own so intellectually I understand why she's like she is, but good god if my DD ever felt about me as I do about my DM I'd shoot myself. My DD says she doesn't - so far!

I think we just have to dig deep, be the caring daughter we want our daughters to be, get satisfaction from doing the right thing. I also think long breaks are essential - three weeks no contact now and again, then when stronger, increased contact. Moaning and ranting about her to your loved ones is essential.
Being selfish and self indulgent ("ditching her") are the very qualities that are so distressing in our mothers. So don't copy them

It's not too late. You can choose to stop seeing her and taking her phone calls - or at least reduce the frequency. You will be so relieved to get your life back and feel liberated. Just do it - there is no reason why you would regret it, so just ignore the sentimental comments from people who think mothers should always be idolised.

I can relate to this too!

I hear you. I often want to say to my Mum, I am still your child you know! I feel resentful that I don't feel I can offload to her the way she does to me as she doesn't do sympathy/empathy and if I try she usually just changes the subject. The burden of a bad day is something I hope never to pass onto my children however old they are.

Clearly she’s been affected by her mothers bad behaviour all her life. Just because you become a mother doesn’t give you an automatic golden ticket to treat your children like shit and to be forgiven for it every time.

My mum and aunt are going through the same think with my gran who is 79. My gran was extremely controlling all their lives and has only gotten worse. She resents them having any type of life out with her. She has been bed bound the last year or two and complains that she is lonely yet has lots of visitors including friends and me and my daughter yet she sends us away after ten minutes but would have my mum and aunt sit with her all day if she could.

I'm sure they love their mum, I've never discussed with them their feelings in that respect but I can say that I know (and this is a horrible thing to say) when my gran passes away it'll be a huge relief to them. I think it would be different if she appreciated all they do for her.

Thankfully my mum raised me differently and I will be honoured to care for her in her old age (and I'm sure very stressed at times) and I hope I am raising my daughter to feel the same.

Unfortunately I don't have any advice to give you. You are right, it's too late to go no contact, at her age she won't have too much time left, and to go no contact would seem cruel. Make sure though that you're taking time for yourself.

Daughter of the year , “ ditched my mother a long time ago “, karma is a bitch you know??
Seriously , she’s your mother, can you not detach a bit so it won’t affect you that much but still be a daughter??

My DF was crying today. Says he’s lonely but won’t move nearer to me.
Ive learned to sympathise, then leave it there, don’t take it home.
My DF could improve his situation with antidepressants and moving nearer to me, he won’t do either, and that’s his choice

I read these with great sympathy but my own mother is only in her 50s. I now barely speak to her because of my resentment after our childhood and her selfish choices but also because she is so self centred in conversations. She never asks questions or knows what’s happening in mine or my sisters lives. Yet she loves to post all over social media re grandchildren.

I really dread the next 20-30 years because her relatively menial health complaints (which totally dictate and dominate her life and conversations), will likely become more genuine.

I already feel guilt about the lack of contact now but it’s a form of self preservation.

Have you tried saying at the beginning of the call that you're feeling down and can't cope with any moaning?

Sending hugs OP, it’s hard, I get it

My strategy (which sort of works) is to mentally decide what is an acceptable, appropriate level of contact, and then stick with that with the mindset of of being just another a job on the task list. If she doesn't like it (which inevitably she doesn't, because whatever I do it never, EVER enough - and believe me there are times when I have done a lot) then that is simply not my problem to solve any more and I refuse to give it any more headspace.

I've also been dealing with her depression since as long as I can remember (early childhood) and until she seeks help I just cannot engage with her any more beyond a perfunctory relationship.

Smoking is a big factor in the development of dementia. Contact the surgery and see if they can call her in for a memory assessment under the guise of a well woman check.

This is genius! Thank you - I'll talk tk them this week.