Mother refuses to have stair lift

This is a difficult situation OP

Your mum is a good age at 85

I understand though as a disabled woman myself I go up my stairs regularly on my hands and feet (all 4s like a spider) bc I'm stubborn too (& know my DCs would play on a stairlift!)

Good luck

All you can do is listen to her, try to think of what is important to mum, and revisit the idea a few times

When you become disabled it is often as / or more important to feel in control of your own life and home.

When my dad became acutely ill a couple of years ago, I discovered stairlifts can be rented. He actually did only need it temporarily as it turned out, but psychologically, it was very helpful!

i would be going over there now if i were you.

You can get a care alarm that will call automatically when the person falls, it doesn't need them to activate it if they've fallen. Then all you have to do is persuade her to wear it 24/7, and ideally her hearing aids so she can hear the alarm people talking to her. Hope she has a key safe too, and a good advance care plan.

Good luck.

PIL were like this. It was only when MIL fell and badly broke her femur they had a stairlift put in. It's been great. They still can't manage the house they refuse to leave though, and although we await the next fall they've been educated that their first call should not be to DH who is an hour away, but an ambulance. Ironically which they'll probably have to wait hours for as they wait to unload into hospital wards full of similar elders who insist on being discharged home to repeat the cycle.

We got a stair lift for my parents when Dad had his second or third stroke, and when he passed away mum asked if she could keep it (she thought we’d want to sell it as my brother and I paid for it!). Invaluable as she doesn’t have a downstairs toilet, and she is now frailer than dad ever got.

However while we won the stairlift argument, she is just as stubborn on other matters. With her I’ve found gentle nudging, leaving a thought with her and letting her ruminate is the best approach. She looked after her elderly mother so any hint of “remember what it was like with grandma” will generally work, as long as it’s circumspect and not head on.

Is there a reason why she won't wear hearing aids? If its because she finds standard NHS aids uncomfortable or bulky it might be worth looking privately for better hearing aids rather than a stairlift at this point. Modern little in ear aids that she is happy to wear should help reduce hearing deterioration and possibly balance/cognition loss depending on the type of hearing problem. Walking up and downstairs (with handrails) can help keep you mobile - its not all negative.

It does need to be her choice around aids, keep the option open for if she changes her mind.

Does she have PoAs in place in case she becomes ill and needs you to manage affairs/medics for her?

Would she have a lift fitted instead? In the downstairs room they are invisible.

I’m having a similar thing with my DF. I’ve asked him to put things in place while he can do it, but he won’t. So we’ve had the conversation that he will probably fall down the stairs, or have an incident that forces me to do it. He chooses to continue as he is.

• That was clumsily worded. I meant, hope that it doesn't happen.

OP, I can totally empathise 💐. I have similar conversations with my dad about getting walking aids. Stubborness is very difficult.

While of course we appreciate their reasons behind not wanting various aids, they need to see it from the perspectives of those who love and care for them. I bet if situations were reversed, and you needed something to keep you safe but refused, she would be worried (have you tried asking her how she'd feel if you were doing something she felt was unsafe?). My only other suggestion would be, is there anyone she would listen to who could have a word outlining concerns?

Failing that, I am afraid, all you can do is voice your concerns, as usually crisis point has to happen before they realise action needs taken. Crisis ppint doesn't always necessarily happen, but all we can do is hope!

I have parents that refuse to have one fitted too. We have even had to move dad's bed downstairs as he is no longer able to climb the stairs (Parkinsons) so he relies on the carers washing him.

I take solace in the fact that one could be fitted quite quickly if they change their mind. The company I spoke to said 48hrs if needed.

Honestly though all you can do is give her the information, she has to make her own decisions. Does she have a fall alarm?

Does she have a downstairs loo and a room that could be a bedroom ?
Is there a will and POA in place ?

While I can see your point about independence and choices, I don't think it is good advice to encourage stubborness. It is all well and good to say if they fell they still had independence, however this same fall could be repsonsible for losing all their independence, or worst case scenario, the fall could be fatal.

I say this as someone who has a parent who can barely walk and has serious balance issues, but refuses walking aids. He frantically grabs at the wall, furnture, etc when walking, and as harsh as it sounds, looks like he is drunk and/or clearly struggling. Where is the dignity in that? All to hold on to independence. No way should this level of stubborness ever be encouraged. A fall is going to inevitably happen, and this is one choice I cannot support.

I read your post and wondered whether we had the same mother, although mine is 87. She has heart failure and has already had several falls and fallen down the stairs from top to bottom (miraculously no broken bones but several days in hospital) and refuses to consider a stairlift as she says they are ugly.

I have given up trying to persuade her - she has capacity (more or less) and can choose to make stupid decisions. Her only concession to frequent falls is a falls monitor and an extra bannister (although that didn’t stop her falling down the stairs). I am an only child and no other family live nearby. I have made it clear that I cannot afford to give up work to look after her and that I live too far away/work too many hours to make regular visits so if she has an accident she will have to pay for care or go into a home. Harsh but I wanted her to be aware of the possible consequences.

No advice, but for you, it’s a hard situation to find yourself in OP.

My 81 year old husband had copd and sometimes has difficulty walking up the stairs. We had a visit from an OT and she agreed that he could have a stair lift installed. He was very reluctant at first but has now realised it's invaluable. We were fortunate to have it installed free of charge but obviously if you buy privately, there's more choice. I had an elderly friend who was very reluctant but ended up having to get one installed in an emergency and then regretted not getting it earlier. They do seem a bit of an eyesore at first but you soon get used to it being there.

Have you considered a through floor lift?

My dad has just had a lift fitted. I don't know how much stairlifts cost but the lift was £9000. It's tucked into a corner and if you're in the room, you can send it up or downstairs (out of sight) with a remote control. It's much less ugly and you don't have to look at it. That might be above her means, but thought it was worth mentioning.

she is also very hard of hearing and refusing to wear her hearing aids As an elderly lady hard of hearing, I can understand that. What often happens is you lose the high frequencies first, so you don’t hear the high sounds of speech such as “s”. But your low frequency hearing is still perfect, so you feel your hearing is fine, it’s just that people mumble. And wearing hearing aids makes me feel really old!

Some makes of stairlift are like that (mainly the generic ones that can be ordered and fitted within a week) so we looked elsewhere.

Came up with the Flow 2 which is a bespoke rail that can turn & climb incredibly tight angles and allows the chair to be parked in a more convenient place (out of the way) instead of just at the top or bottom of the stairs.
It is 100% better than the off the shelf options and definitely worth looking in to.

My parents bought their house in 1955 and there was no way they were going to move into a bungalow or flat so the Flow 2 was the best option.
The other solution was to install a lift but the stairlift worked so well that we didn't have to follow through with this option.

@kitcat15 definitely a good choice. How I wish my parent had done this. I am just 50 but I scan for bungalows for myself! Even bungalows need careful
selection though to be ‘future proof’ - no steps and a wet room. Maybe even wheelchair friendly doors. I think once you have experienced disability either directly or indirectly, it really changes your view on the world.

I encouraged my mum to move to a bungalow at 81….she’s 86 now….still very mobile but definitely slowing down…..reading these posts makes me glad she’s moved from her 2 storey semi

We got a double handrail first then the stairlift. My parent had joint pain and was very afraid of falling. It was way easier to fit than I thought and there are solutions for most stairs. What I would say is it makes it hard for anyone NOT using the stairlift to get up the stairs.