Cockroach Cafe 🪳Autumn 2022 🪳

My thoughts on

So they would like to discharge Mum to a nursing home placement.

@Lightuptheroom we had the same issue with the ward calling mum to say dad was being discharged to a care home the next day despite it being clear on the notes to call DB. Result was mum called the care home to speak to him and of course he wasn't there so she decided he must be seriously ill so readmitted and phoned me totally distraught. DB had been trying to ca the ward all.day to see of they had news on the possible care home place and no one wads picking up.

Update here...
Dad unwell.. under the 'virtual ward community response ' reoccurring UTi and full of fluid apparently, has signed a form without telling anyone that he doesn't want to be taken to hospital. This team have written all over his notes that medical professionals are to contact my sister.. yet they still keep ringing my mum and asking her questions despite her obviously not having a clue what's going on and completely unable to remember any of it
Social Services say they are allocating a social worker to my mum and 'may' need to do a capacity assessment as she doesn't really have a 'social care' need.
Mum now ringing all her children multiple times declaring that dad is 'away with the fairies' and she doesnt think the medics know what they are doing (that'd be why we've asked them to contact us direct then!!) Dealing with their life admin whilst both declare that the other one does it is getting ridiculous.
No power of attorney and definitely no intention of doing one as apparently we (their cruel, heartless children) would immediately put them in a home... They don't own their house and have very little saving so I don't know where this idea has come from other than supposedly friends with advanced dementia who have been 'put away' by their children and mum has decided they were perfectly fine to be at home (they really weren't )

and solidarity, badger

thanks Mum - great idea - I have several pairs and will take along with the blanket. Though probably not today- still frozen solid here and don't want to risk an accident unless it's an absolute emergency.

Words hope the weather stays manageable. Merino walking socks are also a good shout, too.
Badger wishing you some quiet time with your DF. You've probably nailed your DSis's situation . Maybe she hasn't any coping mechanisms left...

My Dad is now on end of life care. It's something we've dreaded for so long but is now strangely comforting. The home have completely taken over his care and needs, so I'm now just his daughter and that feels very comforting too.

My sister on the other hand is now no longer able to use denial as her coping mechanism, and has made an official complaint to both the hospice/palliative care team about her "being kept out of the loop" and Dad being overly medicated at my bequest apparently it's the morphine that has caused the weight loss and she actually asked for the patch to be removed which thankfully the nursing home told her to jog on. As if this is the time.... deep breath, deep breath.

I'm not sure @PermanentTemporary . There does seem to be a general reluctance to be explicit, even though I've made it clear that's what I would prefer. I remember it with my Dad in 2013.

I suspect they also don't have the staff to monitor the side rooms as regularly as they should. The sister said she would prefer to keep an eye on her.

Thanks @OnthePiste

Sorry to hear this @Words Unfortunately, we had the same issue when DM was dying in hospital 2 weeks ago. There were no side rooms available due to infection control plus there had been a covid outbreak on mum's ward so they couldn't move her out and put someone else in her bed until the ward re-opened. Mum's hands were very cold in the weeks leading up to her death. She eventually stopped eating and slept most of the time. Thinking of you, hoping the snow stays away.

Hmm words I hate to say it but could they be avoiding saying she's dying because of the lack of side rooms? I'm sure they know she should have one.

Update from me. Mum is still in hospital, with worsening pneumonia. I think she is dying, but the health care professionals are dancing around the issue.

She is still eating, has some moments of clarity but otherwise is pretty much out of it. She feels very cold to the touch, so I will take in an extra blanket if I can get there today. Blankets, apparently are in short supply in today's NHS. As are side rooms- I enquired but none available as they are all being used for infection control.

' If' because the weather gods are against me and we've had heavy snow overnight, and she's in a hospital some miles away with some high ground in between.

Thé LA held an emergency meeting yesterday with me, the GP's practice, social work and the home management. I think it's safe to say that the home are, as my legal colleagues would say, ' in some difficulty.' But that, understandably, is not my main focus at present.

Mum only ever wanted to make it to 80. She shot through that and I thought there was a chance of 90 but her quality of life was so poor at the end that the extra year was not something to wish for.

from ourexpeeuence the posher all singing all dancing homes that are expensive dont seem to take them at the latter stages of dementia and the reality is most of the facilities they wont be using sadly
I struggle to understand how long that final lap is my mum is double incontinent losing her speech cant really understand you bow and or know who you are and now has lost her mobility you wouldnt think she could go on much longer. She has got to this stage in about two years then I know people can be in the stage my mum bow is for years sadly

A hundred? Wow. Impressive.
We met a resident of one of the homes we were looking at who was in his late 90s. He was livelier and more fun than MIL has been for a long time, and she's 20 years younger than him. It made me feel really sad for her. And the rest of us.
We decided against that home, as she would never have been able to take advantage of the facilities, and even the cheapest tiny room was painfully expensive. Doubt they'd have taken her anyway, from what they said in their initial preamble about assessments.
I gather from the hospital that MIL is on her final lap too, with a similarly vague but limited distance to be covered.

Words MIL has been in three settings since May. She now needs 3:1 ratio to help her with personal care. Started with 2:1 in carehome no 1 £1250/week but did not settle. Moved to carehome 2 eight weeks later at £1400/week as they had slightly higher staff ratio through the day. However, she was moved November to the higher dependency unit of carehome 2 at £1500/week. Unhappy in all three places but safer for the staff when she has her personal care done.
After reading your posts I’d move her. My own DM was a falls risk and broke her wrist and hip in hospital and her first care home. I’ve also seen instances of horrific bruising on other elderly residents from falling and fighting, too. But the essence of a good care home is how they own the problem and make steps that it never happens again. Her place does not sound like they have sufficiently good leadership or training. So hard.

Sorry to read about your father mere. How fabulous to reach his century.

Further update here. Mum had yet another unsupervised fall in the home this morning, and is back at A and E. It sounds less serious than the previous falls, but it's becoming clear this setting is not meeting her needs.

Thé LA investigation has started.

I'm going to explore having her assessed for nursing care, as they have a higher ratio of staff to inmates and hopefully are better placed to keep Mum safe.

. Does anyone have any experience of a relative transitioning from a care home to a nursing home?

On thé financing side, she is entirely self funding at present. Google tells me nursing care can be wholly or partially funded, but I suppose there will be battles ahead to obtain this. I will contact Age U.K. tomorrow but in meantime wondered if anyone had experience of this.

As my cricket loving son would say a century not out is a terrific score.

@MereDintofPandiculation the fact that you are having to confront the inevitable is deserving of sympathy whether the outlook is next week or next year. It still hits hard.

I hear you, @SoHereWeGo , I'm not the caring and nurturing type either really, fine with my own kids but this is a whole new ball game, isn't it? Being selfish and putting yourself first when it comes to elderly parents is so taboo but sometimes it's your only option - there is only so much you can do and there are other people in your life who need you too.

Take care of yourself.

Hello all - sadly I think it's my turn now to embark on this stage of life.

DF has taken a definite and unexpected sharp downturn since the start of December and I don't see any chance of him getting back to what he was then. It's just been one thing after another and DM is barely coping with everything.

She has her own issues but nothing significant at the moment and he is in complete denial - he'll be "better and able to drive next week" but we've had that for a month now.

Even more worrying is that along with all the new physical issues he is definitely starting to show some signs of early dementia.

I know I'm going to find this hard - I'm not known for my patient and nurturing skills. DH is a tower of strength but he's none too young himself now.