Cockroach Cafe 🪳Autumn 2022 🪳

@Words I am so sorry to read this. @orangetriangle and @Vcal2017 you are in my thoughts. I think whatever decisions we make, we do it from a place of love and wanting the best for our parents.

Today we are meeting an estate planner to review DF's will, at DF's instigation. We had a video call last week and DF was very impressed. My sister is furious and her stirring husband has rung my DF to question my motives. The planner has told DF that having me and my sister as executors is setting me up for a nightmare as she lives abroad and it would be better if one or both of my adult DDs is named. Sister has gone ballistic. And so on it goes...

@orangetriangle . I am so sorry to read this. How terribly stressful for you. I am shocked they can't give your Mum something to calm her, that's awful.

One nurse confessed to me they didn't even have enough blankets. I offered to bring one, and was surprised when this idea was leapt on - I thought it might be deemed an infection risk.

In my recent encounters with the system I have experienced three things:

Some absolutely outstanding, selfless, supportive care, including one HCP from her GP practice keeping in touch with me even when she was off duty.

What I have come to think of as 'defensive medicine' governed by rigid protocols with little latitude for decision making in best interests of patient: eg my mother's constant precautionary admissions to hospital for relatively minor falls, because she was on blood thinners, leaving her inevitably more confused, exhausted and disorientated than ever after many hours or days in a and e. I tried to get this changed, but risk aversion always triumphed.

Bureaucracy driven decision making caused by scarcity of resources. Mum was deemed 'medically optimised' and fit for discharge the day before she died, when to my own non clinical layperson's eyes, she was dying. Ice cold, struggling to breathe, eyes rolling, drifting in and out of lucidity.

Yet because her clinical obs were just about ok, they were eager to do a nursing assessment and get her out of hospital, so I spent her last day ringing round nursing homes and establishing what the process would be. We wouldn't treat our beloved pets in this way.

This potential discharge was one of the greatest shocks of all, because I never got the call back from the doctor I had repeatedly requested. The hospital are pursuing why that was and have already apologised

Meanwhile the safeguarding investigation continues into the injuries she sustained at the home, and sometime soon I need to face the mountain of paperwork connected with probate.

Thankfully there will be no delay in issuing a death certificate. At one point it looked as if the coroner might be involved if it was thought the fall related injuries contributed to her death. This is good, as I deal with stressful situations by taking action, and a long hiatus would have been very hard to bear.

sorry for your loss words
mum is deteriorating fast she was admitted into hospital tues with suspected sepsis from her care home
many tests later no infection found and blood pressure chest heart all normal for a lady of her age
however in last couple of days she has virtually stopped eating and drinking. When she does take a mouthful of water she has forgotten how to swallow it. Now they are trying to get her to open her mouth to wet her lips it's a hard job
she is either asleep or consistently wailing. They are not treating her in hospital as such.as nothing they can so but then they are saying she is too medically unwell to be discharged today they did initially say tomorrow but to be honest I cant see her coming out of hospital unless perhaps to a hospice. It's very stressful
We too asked for a side ward nope they aren't any available and they are being used for infections patients
Also asked for her to be given something to calm her down but apparently no they dont like to so that guessing in case it then goes pear shaped and they then get the blame

@Words sorry for your loss x

@Words I'm so sorry for your loss Xxx

[Flowers] Words I'm so sorry. I hope you feel at peace.

Thanks so much everyone x

Oh @Words so sorry for your loss.

@Words I'm ever so sorry, look after yourself and take whatever time you need because there's no rush.

@words I'm so very sorry. Take care of yourself

Very sorry @Words. I hope you find comfort in your mums peace.

Of @Words i am so very sorry. You have fought so hard for her care. Sending huge hugs.🌺🌺🌺

So sorry Words

So sorry, Words.

Very sorry for your loss @Words please accept my condolonces

Oh words I am so sorry to hear your update. You called it. Sending hugs.

Sorry about the random postings yesterday evening. Was trying to add an attachment.

It's all a bit academic now, as sadly Mum died during the night. I was right to be sceptical about their plan to discharge her.

I've done all I can in terms of practicalities today and am now going to get some rest.

Mum5net That’s a great idea! I can pop in and that way he’ll feel reassured. And you are very right, with Alzheimers there are days when he just seems like a forgetful old man, and others when he says ( and does) some really inexplicable and upsetting things. I never know where I am and what to expect: I just know no two visits will be the same. 🥹

@Vcal2017 Some days it will be the perfect place, others it will seem not so as his needs on a day to day basis will fluctuate. If you are really conflicted go look at a few more places and see if this home still remains your favourite to meet his needs. However, you are having to future proof for him and in a few months down the line this place may be entirely the best. It’s tough but he is safe and just ten minutes away. Frequent short 15 min pop in visits might be the way to go?

Thank you Permanent Temporary: not tech savvy enough to copy your name properly!

Yes, I think the care staff are a bit cagey. They need time to trust us too I suppose. I just get the feeling it’s all a bit too corporate for my tastes: but yes, we are the customers here and we can act in the best interests of my Dad.

Welcome vcal. Sorry to hear this. It's absolutely shit isn't it.

Wandering is one of the big triggers for a step up in care. There'll be a lot of experience here about that. Still a bit scarred from my mum's constant wandering from a ward in the hospital when she first got really ill... it's a bit funny now but she was more mobile than most of their inpatients and she made it to the car park once...

I'd say talk to the staff over time. It takes ages in my experience for them to let down their guard enough to have a real conversation with relatives (or maybe that's just me). Tell them you're worried he doesn't actually need to have this level of care. Don't just project your fears onto them (i do it all the time!)

The fear of getting it wrong is horrible. I bet you haven't tbh. But also you can think again, if needed.

Hi. Poster from Australia here. I
just straight-out need some reassurance. This week I placed my Dad in permanent care. Here they are called nursing homes. He was previously at another facility for respite, in which most people seemed old but still lively. They’d play card games, listen to music, talk at dinner etc.
My Dad needed to be moved because the respite he was in didn’t have a secure memory unit. So we searched and found a really nice room in a place 10 minutes from me.
The problem is, compared to some of the people there my Dad looks like a spring chicken! He’s able ( to a degree) have a conversation and makes eye contact etc. I feel like I’ve jumped the gun, even though when he was at home he was wandering at night, unable to use a microwave to heat meals we made, unable to use a phone to call emergency services etc. I just couldn’t do it all and raise a child. But I get the feeling staff are questioning why he’s there at all. And of course I feel all the guilt in the world.
aaargh.

My attachments didn't work. Probably as well.

Care