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Original poster

Cockroach Cafe 🪳Autumn 2022 🪳

989 replies

MereDintofPandiculation · 25/09/2022 19:58

Welcome! I’ve taken advantage of the relative quietness recently to have a good “spring” clean. And also install solar panels and get in a good supply of logs for the stove.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

OP posts:
Newmum738 · 05/02/2023 11:40

Joining the group! My DF passed away in November leaving my DM on her own. She has been going through the process of dementia assessment and had her appointment at the memory clinic yesterday. No diagnosis yet & suspect it might be come back in 6 months due to the bereavement. I live 3 hours away from her with my DH and 4 yo DS. Apart from me, there is a step family. My niece is there doing all she can and I go up to sort things out where needed. She is struggling with the loneliness although she is going out and we are trying to keep her positive. The biggest risk is that she has a problematic relationship with alcohol, drinking more than she should and starting to sneak the empties out and lie to us about it. It's a shit situation and I feel torn between her and my own family and life/work. We could try and move her closer but she would lose all her social life which is actually pretty good. I'm trying to come to terms with it all ATM!

Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 05/02/2023 09:41

desperately regret not finding one privately because we could have funded it ourselves given the timespace.There’s no guarantee it would have been better. More money doesn’t usually translate into better staff/fewer agency staff. Keep telling yourself this. It does no-one any good to load yourself with guilt.

OP posts:
HerbalTeaAndCake · 04/02/2023 11:26

Badger1970 · 04/02/2023 11:12

In terms of pain relief, there are so many medications for comfort at this stage. Don't be afraid to make sure that these are prescribed in hospital as nursing homes rely on GP's and there can often be delays in sorting this. That's also where the community palliative care team come into their own too. And make sure that they have injectable as well as oral medications - they keep using oral meds as long as they're able to.

He's on a morphine patch i. Hospital at the moment and they are giving something orally too.

HerbalTeaAndCake · 04/02/2023 11:23

@Badger1970 thank you for sharing that experience. I have been told the palliative care team will come out to him. Will definitely ask about EOL care experience.

Badger1970 · 04/02/2023 11:12

In terms of pain relief, there are so many medications for comfort at this stage. Don't be afraid to make sure that these are prescribed in hospital as nursing homes rely on GP's and there can often be delays in sorting this. That's also where the community palliative care team come into their own too. And make sure that they have injectable as well as oral medications - they keep using oral meds as long as they're able to.

Badger1970 · 04/02/2023 11:06

@HerbalTeaAndCake my Dad went into a nursing home from a hospice as they said 3 to 6 months life expectancy. The reality was that Dad died within 28 days.. and the poor nursing care was a big factor in this. The facilities as others have said are irrelevant, at EOL your Dad is going to be mainly based in his room. It's the nurses you need to check out carefully and their experience of EOL care. There were 2 great ones at Dad's home but the rest were foreign, newly qualified or agency... and the care was sadly only ever as good as the nurse on duty. We only had one offer a place due to funding and in hindsight, I desperately regret not finding one privately because we could have funded it ourselves given the timespace.

Also make sure that you get the community palliative care team on board - they are experts in supporting families and worth their weight in gold if you get issues. I'm sorry you're going through this.

HerbalTeaAndCake · 04/02/2023 09:38

Thank you so much for the advice re: homes that's really helpful.

I asked for hospice care but they are full and palliative care say he's not in last few days.

Although he can hardly eat or drink anything & they can no longer use the drip as is causing other issues.

He has funding in place for 24hr nursing care. So I figure this must be better than the hospital ward he's on. Just looking on the care home comparison site just now & there seem to be a few with good ratings. But I'm sure they will be full. Going to ring around today.

Thanks 💛

PermanentTemporary · 04/02/2023 09:27

@HerbalTeaAndCake

  • ask if anticipatory medications have been prescribed- things like midazolam for agitation, morphine for breathlessness - they make these prescriptions before someone is actually dying so they can be used straight away
  • check they won't treat infections even if 'for comfort' (that's what the anticipatory medications are for)
  • go for the nursing home that is nearest and easiest to visit either for your mum or you, and preferably one where you like the manager
-id agree about a small home if you can find one
Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 04/02/2023 09:12

Sorry you’re having to go through this

What should I ask the nursing homes? Don’t look for good facilities, he doesn’t need them and they’re not necessarily indicative of good care. Look for a good manager, happy staff. See how the staff treat other residents. Personally, I’d go for a small home where all the staff know all the residents. If a larger home, one which is divided into units. Even at his stage, continuity of care will be a comfort. Look for a manager who is hands on - is she visible around the home, talking to both staff and residents?

Also check the official inspections on-line, go for “good” or “outstanding”.

A home close to you will make life easier for you.

If it’s end -of-life, can you get him a place in a hospice?

You should also apply for fast track CHC funding unless his income/savings are such that the LA will pay (house doesn’t come into it because your Mum still needs it)

Are we allowed to ask the Drs to speed his journey up for him, so he can be out of pain and sleep? Shipman has put paid to speeding up journeys, but you can ask for adequate pain relief.

OP posts:
thesandwich · 04/02/2023 09:09

@HerbalTeaAndCake sorry you’re having to join us. And we get it….. any question allowed. No experience of end of life care- other wiser ones will be along soon.
what about hospice care? Is there one in your area? They are marvellous places.
ask local gps/ Facebook groups for care recommendations- check cqc reports. Also local authority adult social care.
and please look after yourself. You can’t pour from an empty cup.

HerbalTeaAndCake · 04/02/2023 08:42

PS: Sorry if my last question was insensitive. I just so want him to be peaceful and pain free.

HerbalTeaAndCake · 04/02/2023 07:50

Hello,
Can I join you please?
My Dad is very ill in hospital and they have withdrawn treatment & started on palliative care.
The hospital ward is really struggling due to the current crisis in the NHS and we are now to get him a place in a good nursing home for end of life care.
When i'm not working or looking after my children I am there with him.
I'm so sad. He's been the best Dad anyone could ask for and my lovely Mum is devastated, so looking after her too at this very sad time.

I am just wondering if anyone has any advice really. What should I ask the nursing homes? What will make him most comfortable. Are we allowed to ask the Drs to speed his journey up for him, so he can be out of pain and sleep?
I'm just so sad and exhausted.

Thanks.

Words · 04/02/2023 06:39

Thank you @thesandwich Cake

@Badger1970 walking is great therapy, you're right. I share a border collie with my ex, so I do a lot of miles too. Dogs ( and cats ) are the very best therapists. They just know somehow. I find walking in woodland and around trees especially comforting, and spring with all the birdsong is now just around the corner.

Had a call yesterday from the social worker involved in the safeguarding investigation. There are questions for the hospital as well as the home so it will take some time.

thesandwich · 03/02/2023 22:07

So pleased to see your update @words and so glad you are getting support @badger

PermanentTemporary · 03/02/2023 18:38

Oh that's great news about the walking 🐕 x

Badger1970 · 03/02/2023 18:18

I'm seeing someone via the hospice that Dad spent a month in, they've been amazing and actually I wonder if talking it through for the last few months has helped me kind of process things... the anticipatory grief was certainly worse than the actual grief is for me.

I walk miles Grin i've got 2 very active and slightly mad spaniels so walking has always been my therapy. Though I've got a terrible habit of walking for miles without realising how far i've gone and then realising I need to walk back again!

PermanentTemporary · 03/02/2023 17:41

Have you considered bereavement counselling @Badger1970?

I have to say I think walking was the single most helpful thing after a big bereavement for me. Well, that and incredible amounts of massage.

Badger1970 · 03/02/2023 17:18

I registered Dad's death today with the Registrar. Still feeling horribly numb about the whole thing. And not quite sure what on earth to do with myself.

PermanentTemporary · 03/02/2023 15:48

@Words I'm so glad it went well, I was thinking of you and @Badger1970 while at the nursing home today. Hope the bumps and troughs start to settle over the coming weeks.

Badger1970 · 02/02/2023 19:23

@Words I'm glad it went well, and that sounds like a lovely friend.

Words · 02/02/2023 06:27

Thank you everyone. Yesterday went really well. Not many there, but it was a lovely service with plenty of laughter and the vicar did a splendid job of glossing over the tricky bits. I bet they are used to it!

One of my lovely friends offered to be at my house when I got back, then went back home and brought round a delicious casserole for dinner as I hadn't thought beyond the funeral.

@Mum5net I feel sick at the thought of all that paperwork for so long. The stress was bad enough with a PoA in place. Thank goodness you are now free of it, OPH have been sensible for once and the process will hopefully be more straightforward from now. CakeBrew

I have already had my first fraud attempt. A call from a genuine back call centre number yesterday ( timing no coincidence ) whose content seemed very off. I gave no information thankfully but he oddly gave me a mobile number to call should I need to. A google search showed the number was linked to a scam.

Cockroach all.

DahliaMacNamara · 01/02/2023 21:56

@Words , I hope everything today went as you planned.

Badger1970 · 01/02/2023 14:34

@Words also thinking of you today. I hope things go well.

@Mum5net that sounds like a huge weight off your shoulders.

Mum5net · 01/02/2023 12:45

Some good news for a change. I am free after nearly eight years of the OPG. Today a 'final' certificate arrived in the post bringing to an end the need for my doing annual financial accounts and presenting DM's receipts, bank statements etc with a cheque for the privilege of them going through it all line by line. I've been so resentful of this task, hugely annoyed with DF & DM for refusing POA. Truly, if you yourself, or your DParents, haven't got POA please get it done. It's such a hideous and unnecessarily expensive and time consuming faff to go through OPG.

In fairness to the OPG, they reached DM's 2021 annual review in January 2023, after the typical eight month delay but kindly tagged the final 'year of death' accounts onto the same job ticket. If they hadn't been as thoughtful, then it would have been September 2023 before we could have got the sign off and without it we couldn't even consider the next stage of probate.

As you were.
@Words Hopefully your day also going as well as it can

Original poster
MereDintofPandiculation · 31/01/2023 20:16

Not a bad motto for a cockroach either.

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