Cockroach Cafe 🪳Autumn 2022 🪳

Kind of you to say @Mum5net. I just couldn't bear that awful doomy feeling of guilt that goes with avoiding an important task any longer. There was no getting around it so I just seized the moment. It didn't take anything like as long as I feared.

Getting the paperwork properly organised that first weekend made things so much easier.
Glad you are making progress too.

Emotionally I feel OK on the surface but I am having some very weird flashback type dreams about it all, unsurprisingly. My subconscious is working it through I think.

Cockroachy greetings to everyone.

@SoHereWeGo will be a hard week that’s for sure
@Words For someone dreading the paperwork, that’s a huge dent. Far more impressive than us.
I’m not the Executor but today started preparing the documents needed for DSis meeting with solicitor. OPG work concluded, though. DSis and I don’t live close and she has builders in. But I am keen to get it off our desks and onto those who can move it along.

So sorry @SoHereWeGo . Have some and some

Well. I took the plunge and submitted the probate application this afternoon, and finally sorted first stage of informing the online institutions too.

Immense relief.

There was one appalling moment when my cat 🐈‍⬛ jumped on the keyboard - and erased the most complex one of the lot.

Readers, I swore.

I've forgiven him now though and will settle down by the wood burner with him and lots of therapeutic

Well my user name says it all!

DF and DM live nearby - they have some help from me but mostly they have been pretty independent.

DF was rushed into hospital on Sunday with sepsis. He has loads of other things wrong as well. After a couple of days ITU he was transferred to a ward and they want to discharge him today although he is a shadow of the man he was last week.

We have no shower etc equipment for him ( not been needed to date). I am far from convinced that he can cope with personal care himself although the OTs say he can...

I've just had a pretty robust discussion with the physio who was under the impression that DM would be able to cook for him. I pointed out the DF had actually been doing the cooking recently as DM can't actually bend, twist or reach up so although she can indeed cook, she needs help to get the items she needs out of the fridge etc.

I've refused to have him home today as I think a discharge without the basics in place with be unsafe for him so it's now scheduled for tomorrow with a therapist to assess him at home. As far as the hospital is concerned I am "unavailable" as I'm pretty sure if they thought I was, the accompanying therapist and equipment wouldn't show up until Monday.

To be honest I am really expecting him to turn up tomorrow alone with no support in place.

@OnthePisteAgain it's so difficult and complicated isn't it?!! Sounds like you are making good progress.

My mum wasn't picking up the phone last night and my niece has been over this morning and says she's drunk and still going. We haven't got anyone who can be with her so I just have to keep checking in by phone. Hard to know whether to move her but if I do, I'll still have the problem and no niece to help!! Plus the potential impact on my marriage. Such joy 😳

Morning all I've been absent drowning in paperwork since DM passed 6 weeks ago. I have finally got all of the valuations from the banks so I am passing it over to the solicitor. I had to call 3 before I could find one who could see me before the end of March!

I was tempted to apply for probate myself but I am worried about making a mistake and not getting the correct advice on the Nil Rate Band allowance as mum was a widow. I have found the solicitors vary very much in price from £1150 to almost 3K!

Next step is to order a headstone for the cremation plot. Not something I want to rush so I will take my time deciding what I want on it. She has a lovely resting space in the new part of the cemetery which has a beautiful view down to the sea on a clear day. It is very peaceful there which is what she would want.

Sending cockraochy good wishes to all of you who are struggling.

Hello all, been MIA for a while- sending good wishes to all.
DM just returned from hospital stay- her first( bar a planned hip op) in 60 plus years…. Excellent care.
just want to report back on the powerful phrase oft repeated here “ unsafe discharge” which did work with medics and discharge team.
Also, gp and the hospital made us aware of the respect form for patients wishes;
www.resus.org.uk/respect/respect-patients-and-carers
cockroach all

💛

I’m on the other side of the world but it is so heartening to read about other’s experiences. My Dad is so deeply depressed and I can’t believe the ‘care’ he is getting. My brother who also is POA
( Power of Attorney over here) disagrees because he can’t be bothered. The relationship between my brother and I has almost broken down over this and I literally can’t think of how or what to do. So, although these stories are gut wrenching they give me some solace that others are here with me. ♥️🪳

Badger - not sure about that then. :(

While it resolves, may I prescribe a cuddle with those spaniels of yours?

And cake. Always cake.

@DahliaMacNamara hope all goes to plan

As if there isn't enough paperwork to wade through when they're still with us. At least then it feels like we're doing something that will benefit them.
I'm sorry to hear about the latest losses. Cockroach cafe can be an awfully grim place to live.
Hoping that MIL will be able to leave hospital for a nursing home next week, now that that particular administrative mountain has been scaled. There was a lot of pressure to get her moved, but not much help in finding a home that would actually take her. Though no doubt there is more to come. I feel some trepidation about this, but at least it's not an hour away, and it's within a distance FIL is happy to drive himself, which gives DH a bit more free time in the evenings for part of the week.

The undertaker said that they're waiting for a cremation form from the GP which I thought was odd as they've already got the green form from the Registrar.

Badger- what paperwork are you waiting for? I just had the green form to take from the registrar to the undertaker to release the body. The medical examiner at the hospital sent the paperwork direct to the registrar to register the death, and that was all I needed for that part of the process.

Good luck

@Badger1970 I remember the wait for bits of paper. In our case the undertaker was pretty good about getting on with any arrangements they could in the meantime. Then we were ready to go as soon as paperwork arrived. After all, Dad was hardly not going to need a funeral after all!

@Words you sound incredibly organised - I feel like I'm wading through treacle with trying to sort things out. We're still waiting for the GP surgery to send the form to the undertakers - they've had 2 weeks tomorrow for a piece of paper. I'm getting really stressed knowing that Dad's in a fridge while they're faffing

@HerbalTeaAndCake yes I noticed that Dad was really sleeping a lot more during his last 2 weeks. The Dr explained the process so we weren't worried by it, but it was horribly draining to just sit there. I'm still exhausted 2 weeks on from Dad dying and have that awful "bone tired" feeling still. It's so tough

 for all those recently bereaved or in the midst of it all, and @Snowsquonk what wonderful care both you and your Mum received.

I had a hideous day yesterday. I am back at work and everything is full on. I needed to be in the office in a nearby city so took the (possibly stupid) decision to tour the banks in between meetings with the documentation needed to suspend accounts and start the process; thinking this might be speedier than the online option. I had called them all previously and none had an appointments system.

Even mid morning and mid afternoon, the queues were substantial and I was time constrained . Very stressful. But at least I can tick that off the list, hurrah.

I can't imagine what all this must be like in the midst of an unexpected or exceptionally traumatic loss, I really can't.

Thanks Badger. It's been going on for weeks now. I'm so sad & tired. He's sleeping a lot now. So I feel he must be getting near to the final snooze 💔

@Snowsquonk I'm sorry for your loss.

@HerbalTeaAndCake I'm also sorry to hear about your Dad.

Not sure my DF is going to make it into the lovely nursing home we've selected and are waiting to get the all clear for. I'm so sorry about your mum 💛

So sorry for your loss@Snowsquonk .🌺

My mum died recently after a stay in hospital. She was put on an urgent discharge plan. My brother had already visited a local nursing home and our choice was accepted. The care was amazing. Mum was only there for a week, conscious for three days before entering the active dying stage. The staff cared for her, and for us. I'm sorry but I will not hear any negativity about staff from overseas. The home manager is from Romania and her deputy for Poland. They made sure Mum was comfortable and safe. They made sure we ate and drank. They recognised when I was low on resilience and they helped me to take breaks and look after myself. One carer cried with me after she died. Mum wasn't a long term resident, they had no chance to get to know her. But they cared.

Things are moving on with mum and not in a good way. DB1 took her to his for a few days as she was very down and it's meant he's been able to spot some more issues. DB2 and I are going to be looking at care homes over the next few weeks so we have a short list ready when we need it. We thought she might be able to stay at home with support for another year or 2 but, among other things, her food storage habits are causing a rodent problem and there are now personal hygiene issues as well so it may be much sooner.

Welcome @Newmum738. sorry you’re in the situation that so many of us find ourselves in. Feeling torn is very very common. My brother and I keep reminding ourselves of what mum (and dad) would have said when they were our age, what their hopes were for us and our lives. They would have been very firm that they would not have wanted us to give up or disrupt our lives. We’re at a compromise that mum seems happy with at the moment - ironically it’s more work for us to keep travelling to see her at weekends than it would be if she was nearer to one of us, but she’s not really aware of that.