Cockroach Cafe 🪳Autumn 2022 🪳

Also...they haven't been communicating through personal channels recently. He's just taking advantage when he's there.

When she disclosed that it had been happening again she begged me to promise not to report him. I said that wasn't what I was thinking right then (I was just thinking WTAF tbh) but that I couldn't promise her that.

@Knotaknitter yes, in theory I totally agree with you. I would also got batshit under normal circumstances if someone did that to me.

It was the absolute last thing I wanted to do on multiple levels but for large chunks of the whole debacle I have been genuinely unsure how much of it was him and how much was her on a flight of fantasy. My fear was that I'd report and it would turn out there was some kind of mental health/dementia thing going on and it was all, if not untrue, then massively misrepresented.

Some of the documents I have seen are ones she's asked me if I want to read previously and I've declined. She's also often asked me things about messaging and given me access to the platform to help her.

Doesn't make it any better really but I haven't been stealing passwords or hacking accounts!

I have written a bullet pointed timeline of events and edited to ensure that nothing is on there that she hasn't disclosed to me herself and I won't be sharing any 'evidence'.

@KittyCatsby there is no way she will not realise it's me. I'm thinking I will just report as myself rather than anonymously tbh.

If I found that my son had been looking through my emails or diary, even if it was for my own good, it would take me a long time to come back from that. Unless you have express permission to do so it's a massive invasion of privacy. She's a competant adult and is as free to make stupid decisions as the rest of us, the issue is with him. He was in her house in a position of trust and has abused that trust by not backing away from this at the outset.

It's a really difficult position you're in because you can't use that information that you shouldn't have. I thought after the last complaint that there had been an agreement that they wouldn't be communicating through personal channels?

@MintyCedricHereWeGoAgain

I think the scenario you have found yourself in is a traumatic one , but one you have to ' rip the plaster off ' and report to everyone and all asap.
Once the shit hits the fan then be sympathetic towards your mother , whilst letting her know ( as I'm sure she is aware ) that you were unhappy with the situation.
She does not need to know you ripped that plaster.

There are points in her correspondence with friends and him where she acknowledges that I've made it clear his behaviour is not on, alludes to whether or not he might have form, and admits she probably should have head more sense than to allow herself to get caught up in him.

She's emotionally vulnerable but she's an intelligent woman. A bit forgetful and not so good with tech and gadgets as she used to be, but otherwise sharp as a tack.

I don't know how much to include the correspondence in my report as it's mum's personal communications that I've stopped into.

Tbh I was hoping to find evidence that her imagination had been running riot and she'd vastly blown things out of proportion.

Oh Minty that is awful. I can only imagine how hard it must be to navigate. I don't suppose your DM will ever see herself as a victim but reporting is the right thing to do. Your initial instinct about L was right but your DM was already under his thrall.

Minty It’s hard enough to summons the strength to do the reporting let alone take the flak from the fallout. It’s definitely Olympic standard roller coastering. New territory you never anticipated.

Ah yes, my mum is expert at telling me about 'little Maureen round the corners daughter' I have no idea who she's talking about!!!

Just had the obligatory goodnight phone call with mum.

Just talking to her is excruciating at the moment under the circumstances.

I know she's as much as 'victim' as anything but there so much going in my head at the moment I just can't engage with her in the same way.

It reminds me of when I was planning to leave XH...particularly if he was being nice/loving...I suppose its a complicated version of The Ick.

on top of the fact the conversations are about the most boring ones it's impossible to engage in. I really could not give less of a shit about her neighbour's extension.-

@MintyCedricHereWeGoAgain as @OnthePiste has said, he is in a position of trust with vulnerable adults. I know this is very hard but it needs to be reported immediately as this person needs to be suspended at the very least. The safeguarding team at your local authority also need to be informed quickly (there will be a duty line) timeline is unimportant.

@OnthePiste yeah I think you're right. BiL said the same.

Omg @MintyCedricHereWeGoAgain that is shocking, I think the police need to be involved as well as SS. He sounds like a predator..so sorry you have got to deal with all this.

@MereDintofPandiculation

Sadly not.

Oh @MintyCedricHereWeGoAgain i was wondering how you were? Please report.

@MintyCedricHereWeGoAgain You don't need us to tell you how wildly inappropriate this is, I'm really sorry for the position you're in (again). From a professional point of view the timeline doesn't matter, it shouldn't have happened at any time.

@MintyCedricHereWeGoAgain I used to work for the local authority elderly care. Report immediately to the agency. They are responsible for reporting to CQC etc.

@Fantasea according to my mum it's perfectly normal to ask anyone working on a hole in the road in hi Viz to do the tarmac, housing association don't want to know so I guess that particular behaviour is set to continue...
Regarding the cleaner, thankfully she's always been able to see the benefits, though the usual pattern is that a few weeks in my dad will kick up an almighty fuss about the cost, or mum decides he's getting too friendly with the cleaner. Hopefully because this time it's an agency they are more able to keep the professional boundary (it's always been friends of friends before) On the other hand, the mere mention of 'carers' causes her to slam the phone down and not speak to me for a while, so we don't go onto that subject anymore.
The next month is going to be interesting as my sister who shares the elderly burden with me is away for the whole month, so older brother has suddenly decided he's going to stay with the parents for a week, we aren't sure if he's actually asked them or whether he'll survive a week, but we'll see!

Oh @MintyCedricHereWeGoAgain hell. Hell's bells. That is terrible. It is so grim when people abuse vulnerable people's trust. Feeling for you and her.

Oh god @MintyCedricHereWeGoAgain.. what an awful thing to have to deal with. All I can do I'd wish you luck.

I'll have a better picture of what I need to do dor mum this afternoon when I see DB for the drug handover. The second pivotell is a good idea. It's also vome out yesterday she is asking for supermarket trips because she didn't take the community minibus this week more often than anyone thought. We each thought we were getting isolated requests when we turned up so that's another issue to tackle. She is refusing to have supermarket deliveries ss she likes to make up her mind there depending on what looks nice. Ho hum.

Hi All!

Sorry to hear so many of you (and newcomers) are still fighting an uphill battle on the elderly care front.

I've been AWOL for a while as everything seemed much more settled. Mum on a low dose of ADs which perked her up no end, quite a good social life, carer issue apparently under control and I've been doing some freelance work.

And then...

Was visiting Tuesday when the care agency called to say the carer 'L', wouldn't be coming the following day as he was unwell.

Cue a meltdown from mum as he hadn't let her know personally (which obviously shouldn't be happening anyway).

I was a bit bewildered as to her reaction since she's seemed quite rational about him in recent months, but it transpires this 'rationality' has come about as a result of them having a physical relationship for the last 3 or 4 months.

I have done some digging since discovering this and now know exactly what happened between them the month before my dad died, and have evidence that he has been aware of her feelings for him for months at least, yet clearly has taken advantage rather than shutting it down.

I have to report him...to the agency, social services and possibly the police, but am stalling because I don't know how I'm going to cope with the fallout.

What worries me is that she will probably defend him. I have copies of documents and screenshots of messages but that means revealing very personal information about mum.

However, his other clients are mostly elderly vulnerable women and a couple of disabled lads so God knows what else he's getting up to.

Long story short...looks like I'm about to rejoin the roller coaster.

@Lightuptheroom my mum isn't quite at the stage of yours but did manage to get the locksmith who came the other day to order a part for her fridge door! Oh how I wish mine would arrange to have a weekly cleaner, I'd even be happy with monthly!

@thesandwich my mum's trick is to flag down BT men and ask them to tarmac her driveway....
Somehow my mum has managed to arrange for a cleaner to go in once a week without any of us knowing! Dad is apparently still driving her bonkers as he keeps losing his glasses then deciding not to look for them...
Now haven't seen them in person for over a month, definitely bad daughter sofa for me...

@countrygirl99 just a thought - would it be possible to get another pivotell the same as the current one and fill it, then ask the carers to swap to the second one when the first was empty?

@thesandwich I'm laughing at you flagging down a BT van, desperate times, desperate measures 🤣.

@Definitelynotme2022 welcome, that sounds so hard for you, dealing with both parents and juggling work as well. I understand what it's like to have a DM with NPD. Mine is the same and it's hard for people to understand that you're not dealing with a person with normal emotions and behaviour. Mine surpassed herself recently by secretly buying a house 4 doors down and opposite me and is still furious that I'm not delighted. There is so much wrong with the house and I suspect the previous owners hadn't done anything in 20 years. Somehow all these problems are my fault and also mine to fix. The workmen I've supplied, men I've had for years, are all woefully inadequate and so expensive. DD and I went over today for DD to help move some boxes. DM pointed at me and said 'I need YOU to ring your man as he STILL hasn't rung me back'. What upsets me is that she doesn't treat outsiders like this, when my 'man' eventually gets back to her and does the job, she will be the nicest, sweetest old lady alive. If only they knew...