Cockroach Cafe 🪳Autumn 2022 🪳

@Definitelynotme2022 my mum still uses my dad...even in the current circumstances and despite the fact he passed away nearly 18 months ago.

"Your father would be enraged at what you have done to me..."

I could have come back with a very cutting reply but decided to be the bigger person.

@Lightuptheroom 😯I think we do!!! This is exactly what mine does....

@Definitelynotme2022 do we have the same mother???? She rings and tells me that she's only ringing as my dad is worried about me... Then proceeds into a full blown rant about his (many) failings....

Hi everyone.

Sorry, I posted and then vanished..... I had a really difficult weekend mentally, and I become really introverted. I just want to stay in the house and be with my family - I rested and slept a lot. Apart from a shopping trip!

Is it possible for the narcissistis-ness to increase?! DM is now trying to guilt trip me into going round there by telling me that my DF "misses me". I know he wouldn't say that and have double checked with the carer! I'm refusing to go round at the moment because we have Covid doing the rounds at work. And on that subject I shall be really p'd off if I get it because we're going on hols in October half term.

@MintyCedricHereWeGoAgain I'm horrified at the situation you've found yourself in, but you've definitely done the right thing.

@Lightuptheroom Oh gosh! We had the driving issue with my DF, although Covid pretty much prevented him from going anywhere for ages as my sister and I got them everything that they couldn't get online. By the time he wanted to go out again, he definitely couldn't drive. And sold the car just a few months ago. He was very cross with me though!!

@MintyCedricHereWeGoAgain you've done the right thing and that can't have been easy. Thinking of you Xxx

@MintyCedricHereWeGoAgain a hard decision for you to make but there was no other option. You may well find that once an investigation starts, your mum is not the only one he's targeted. Perhaps when your DM is made aware of this, she will see that you did the right thing.

@MintyCedricHereWeGoAgain you had no real choice.

Nothing else you could have done, Minty.

You did the right thing

Which is rarely the easy thing

Lots of love x

@MintyCedricHereWeGoAgain hugs to you, you have done exactly as required xx

Well I submitted the report to SS online Monday night, downloaded a copy and emailed to agency.

SS called me late yesterday afternoon. Mum called a couple of hours later...he's been suspended, her reaction was much as you'd expect.

Only time will tell whether our relationship will recover.

@Tupperwarelid that's so frustrating.
@Lightuptheroom sounds just like my mum. The problem we had was her first assessment was over the phone (due to covid restrictions) with no one rlse with her which meant she could deploy all her coping strategies without the GP realising. Eg they gave her s phrase to remember snd she wrote it down so she repeated it perfectly at yhe end, asked what time of year she referred to her daily paper, time of day checked the clock. DB convinced the GP to repeat it with him there and as soon as he took away the paper she didn't have a clue what year or season it was.

Mum told me over the phone that she thought it was hilarious that she 'lost' my dad in town.... He apparently moved from where she told him to sit just to spite her for having a bit of a rant in the morning!!!! In a 10 minute phone call she repeated herself word for word 3 times yet still nobody wants to check her out.. she's still driving...
On being told that I now have to go into the office she replied 'thats nice, it gets you out of the house'

FFS mum’s hip replacement op was due to take place on Thursday. It’s just been cancelled as surgeon had to fly abroad for a family emergency. Last month it was cancelled because they didn’t have enough hip joints! Fingers crossed for next month, 3rd time lucky and all that. Luckily the home Dad was going into for respite care can still have him for the new date. I’m knackered.

Meds situation not as bad as I feared so can keep my usual schedule from that point of view but will have to go up mid-week to put the new ones in the pivotell as they won't be delivered before DB leaves. But big deterioration in her mental state, kept telling me about all sorts of stuff that I know she has never done - big holiday destinations and the like. It was really wierd just nodding and smiling while thinking WTF. Asked me how FIL is, reminded her he died in July. 5 minutes later she's asking again. Asked if DB2 still lives in a town he has never lived in and if DH had changed jobs again as she can't keep up with all his changes. He's been doing the same thing for nearly 12 years and has never been a job hopper.

Another sandwich filler here though with dcs now adults it is a bit easier in that they can (sometimes) drive DM to appointments or pick up shopping for her. She is 87 and lives alone. I work full time,have fibro and am permanently exhausted. My DF was in care locally until he dued 18 months ago. Youngest DC still at home( 20) as well as eldest ( 30 with mh problems) so its a full workload. Social work visit today so hopefully that will generate some more help

Pretty certain.

Tbh her finances are the least of my worries right now.

Oh no Minty! Don’t really want to ask this….but are you sure her finances are safe?

Playing the field much? The big question is what does DM want? If she wants A Relationship she can do better than this.

It is difficult to face life on your own when you've spent so much time as half a couple but many people do it and she could too, if that's what she wants.

Oh he's told her he doesn't want marriage or a live in relationship with anybody.

Oh gosh, @MintyCedricHereWeGoAgain, before you know it you have the carer moving in and it's ok because they're "really nice". At least it seems that your DM may have developed some insight? Mine still thinks that the 'carer' that pounced on her immediately after my dad's funeral is a kindly friend. I'm the evil one for questioning their motives.
Our elders can be so vulnerable but it's so difficult to help ☹️.

@MintyCedricHereWeGoAgain If it's genuine affection then it won't matter if there is a change of care agencies, they can still see each other except he won't be being paid to do it. He'll see her on his own time rather than as his job. If she doesn't think he feels enough about her to do that then she needs to look in the mirror and tell herself that she's worth more than that and there are plenty more fish in the sea.

@unfortunateevents the close friend I confided in said the same and I am starting to wonder if that may well be the case.

Which naturally throws in guilt for not reporting sooner (rightly so, even without mum's opinion in the mix).

I'm going to visit her shortly and will have to put on a happy/normal face before coming home to fill in the SS report form and email the agency and CQC. To be honest I don't trust the agency 100%, the staff I've dealt with previous have often been obstructive, unhelpful and snarky.

The coming week is going to be absolutely horrific.

MintyCedric It sounds to me as if your mum in many ways wants you to report the situation and take action? If she was really happy with the relationship, she would be keeping it hidden from you. I think in her mind she is torn between wanting to have company but knowing that this person is taking advantage and this is not a healthy dynamic. That's not to say that she won't give you grief when you report but I really don't think you have a choice!