Cockroach Cafe 🪳Autumn 2022 🪳

@notaflyingmonkey so sorry to hear your news. Relief and profound sadness all at once.
@Knotaknitter sometimes knowing the time is right to move just becomes more obvious although obviously the politics of the last three weeks does get in the way

@devicelab Sometimes the least worst option is the best one. Absolutely from your standpoint that’s the CH. From her standpoint that’s being part of your household. Does she have funds to afford activity beyond the care home? For example, If finances allowed, could you take her out of the care home to an Airbnb or hotel with you and stay with her for a weekend once a month. Compromise all round , also a bit on the pricey side and assumes you are able and willing to get her up in the night. I would imagine after one or two weekends this arrangement would be untenable and she would be in the ch permanently. But it buys you time…

I need advice and maybe a bit of support.

DM is riddled with arthritis, cannot support her own weight to stand or walk, cannot lift her arms above shoulder height. She needs help with all personal and household care. She has fallen twice in the past year, broken bones each time and has ended up in a CH to rehabilitate. She maintains it is temporary until she is "back on her feet" and is adamant she wants to go home.

OT has worked with her to improve mobility and adapt her home. But she is not doing the exercises as it is very tiring and painful.

We are struggling to find carers who will do the hours she needs, 4 visits a day. But morning call is too late 9 or 10am and bedtime is too early (latest 9pm) and nobody will do a night visit, unless we pay for a waking night. (She needs to urinate at night) She had carers after the first fall and cancelled them after a week cos they were too intrusive and left her soaked in bed for over 12 hours.

OT and social worker believe she should / can go home, but I feel it would be a mistake. We have persuaded her to stay in CH over the winter because of the cost of living and winter pressure on the NHS should she fall again. (She spent 6 hours on the floor waiting for an ambulance with a broken femur). The cost of carers and waking night works out approx the same as staying in CH, plus she would have food and heating bills at home.

I want her to stay in CH where she is safe and well cared for. I just can't see how she will manage at home with carers. We looked into live in carers but she didn't like that idea either.

DH thinks I should have a frank discussion with her and explain that it is not safe for her to be at home alone and she needs to be in a CH. She has full capacity so how can we force her to do anything. Surely she has the right to live wherever she wants, but it will come at a cost to me and her.

I feel so guilty telling her she should stay in CH but I don't know what other options we have. She has said she would like to move in with us, but we would have to re-model downstairs to make a bedroom and bathroom for her, I would have to give up my job, and I am worried the effect it would have on me the kids (18 & 15) and my partner. I love her dearly but how much should I give to make her happy.

So yesterday was a bit of a day..... The live in carer had to get another carer in to help her get Dad up. He's lost all strength, just kind of sits slumped in a chair.

The GP came out (I can't fault them they've been brilliant) and felt there was nothing more she could do for Dad at home, so he got taken into hospital last night. I couldn't go as I had a debilitating migraine, I couldn't drive or tolerate lights. Now I'm worried and guilty as he'll be so confused. He's not answering his mobile, which is not unusual.

Just going to phone the hospital now.

@notaflyingmonkey so lovely to see you here, and I know what you mean, but I am sorry for all you have had to go through.
hope you are able to take time for you now.
@chesterelly1 sorry your dh isn’t with you- but enjoy your holiday.
@Knotaknitter hope agent was useful.
@MintyCedricHereWeGoAgain well done.
and cockroach mes amis

Oh @MissMarplesNiece that is exactly the sort of thing I would get from my mother about her sister and her sister in law. The difference is that her sister only cared for her mother/mother in law in their last weeks and was 10/20 years younger than me at the time. My aunt who cared for my grandmother on my dad's side always maintained she did very little in the way of care - just shared a house.

Minty - don't beat yourself up. I think you are being so gracious to your mum.

@Knotaknitter Sorry for your loss. But I understand exactly what you mean by a blessing.

@chesterelly1 have a wonderful holiday. Such a shame DH couldn't join you.

Currently sat on plane ready to head off for our much planned longed for holiday with the DC. DH is staying at home to deal with the crisis of FIL. Turns out he does not have cancer but saw a cancer specialist at his appointment yesterday, I guess everyone was convinced. He does have another condition and will need help/care/medical assistance (insert whatever term he finds acceptable here) at home. So doc has ball rolling for that and he needs to see correct specialist next week. So frustrating a correct diagnosis a week or so ago and we might have all managed away. But we will make the best of it and have already promised to do it all again just as soon as we can. My dad is teed up with lots of cousins, friends, neighbours to keep an eye and take him to appointments. and despite the cancer he looks better than he has in a long time so I am going with a clear conscience and zero fucks for anyone that thinks I'm terrible. My DC have earned this because however bad things are they're probably going to get worse in the foreseeable future. Thank you fellow cockroaches. I shall raise a glass to you all as soon as the trolley comes round.

@notaflyingmonkey Sorry to hear that your mum has passed. Its very sad but also, sometimes, these things are a blessing/ relief. I look at my mum sometimes & think about how awful, sad, frightening it must be to know that you are declining a little bit each day no matter how hard you try not to. No wonder Roger Daltry sang about dying before he got old. We all seem to be living longer but to what end?

@notaflyingmonkey sorry to hear about your mum. Even when it's anticipated and is a blessed relief it's still a wrench. Hope the arrangements go as well as these things can.

Just a quick update. Social Services emailed me on Weds night to say there is enough info to prompt a Section 42 Safeguarding Investigation. Had the agency around yesterday who were then going straight to mums, and later on a call from the police. Not sure how involved they will be getting at this stage so won't say anymore about the details of the 'case' as a precaution.

In the meantime I haven't heard from mum since she collected her key on Wednesday afternoon and I haven't tried to contact her. I may send a short message today and see what, if any, reaction I get.

I feel like I should be distraught at the situation (ie the schism between me and mum) but this has been such a long time coming all I feel is relief that its no longer hanging over my head, and guilt that I didn't do it sooner.

@notaflyingmonkey It's lovely to see you again. I hope the funeral goes smoothly, when my uncle died at ninetymumble it was a bit flat because there was no-one from his generation to speak of him as a young man. When my other uncle died I had all the stories from his youth that I'd had from my mother that I could share with his adult children.

I have the estate agent coming today, it's my childhood home but I'll be glad to see the back of it. Too far away, too much garden, too much stuff, far, far too much fencing.

Morning all. Having been a frequent flier on previous threads, I dropped off somewhat.

DM passed away recently after a relatively short stay (10 months) in a care home following her second stroke at Christmas. We are just dealing with the funeral arrangements etc now. The saving grace being that having sold her house earlier in the year, at least I don't have to deal with all of that on top of everything else.

It's fair to say that her passing really was a blessing - that sounds like an overused cliche, I know - as she was so unhappy with the lasting effects of that stroke on her abilities to function (paralysis on one side, issues with swallowing, etc). I do believe that in her case the medical interventions meant she was kept alive beyond any real quality of life for her.

I have little in the way of sage advise to pass on to those following in my footsteps, other than for goodness sake, do not run yourselves ragged being a martyr. I really do think that being her 'daughter round the corner' has left me profoundly exhausted.

"Dealing with elderlies when you’re 70 yourself is a strain - just not the energy of your 50s"

I had my mum lecture me the other day that my grandma had bathed her MIL everyday without complaining. This was because I moaned about her wanting a bath at 11pm in the evening. I thought (but didn't say) well DGM was doing that when she was about half my age & it wasn't at 11pm at nigt and as you were about 8 you probably werent aware of how much DGP cried with frustration/exhaustion/ moaned to DGF.

Was also somewhat peed off because I gave her a shower on Sat eve & just got constant complaints. My niece assisted with a bath yesterday & she gave DNiece £50. That makes me feel mean, but somehow my brain has used this to mean what I do is less appreciated/less well thought of etc.

It could be lack of oestrogen - could ask her GP for some local oestrogen cream or pessaries. It's not as well known as it should be that bladder weakness and urgency is a meno symptom and that vagifem pessaries or Estriol cream are a very safe fix. She would need to stay on this for life.

I hate the fact that I can't see a time when it will be better - she has hated being away from me for the past year - she was used to me being on call 24/7 and now she only sees me for an hour every week. Even though I am married and have been for nearly 40 years she has had me there the whole time. In some ways it feels cruel that I am no longer on hand all the time and then I look at my own adult children and think how I would hate to impose on them like she did on me.

It’s so hard isn’t it @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere

@BestIsWest the hardest thing for me is knowing I can not make my mum happy but she thinks I can and that I am refusing to do it.

Before she went into hospital last year she was scarily depressed - even when I was with her she was sitting with her head in her hands saying how lonely and down she was. Now she thinks she can come home and be happy. She still hopes to come home for Christmas. I really have spent my life trying to make her happy and now at the end of her life it can't be done.

My youngest moved out in August having come home for a while after Uni so I’m in the ‘fortunate’ position of only having DM to run around after.

She broke my heart last night though. She’d lost part of one of her hearing aids (they are a nightmare tbh - she’s always fiddling with them, losing one, breaking them). She broke down in tears saying she didn’t want to go on anymore. I have to say it got to me. She isn’t one to cry -I’ve rarely seen it. I genuinely think she has had enough. I gave her a big hug but feel so helpless. I can manage the practical side of things at the moment - but I am no use when it comes to her happiness.

Missing part turned up later still behind her ear apparently.

@Thatsasmashingblouseyouvegoton your son needs to contact the module leader, it should be on their timetable online... Might need to phone them rather than email.. if can't find who it is google the name of the uni and student services on the uni website and tell him to ring that number, lot of departments don't really answer emails until they start back so worth finding out from student services how they do a switch around

I - hilariously - thought my kids would need me less as they grew older! <hollow laughter>

Good luck with UCAS and open days...ds1s were mostly virtual (pointless imho) but he did get to 3 in person ones.

It felt like all we did for weeks!

Give her the key back @MintyCedricHereWeGoAgain
You know you've done the right thing. It's unlikely that your mum is his only victim, sadly.

Thank you 😊
Hope you're doing OK?

@Thatsasmashingblouseyouvegoton happy impending birthday!

Ah university...we're in the thick of UCAS application, personal statement, EPQ and LNAT prep atm. Off for an open day next weekend. It's pretty relentless, not least as XH refuses to get involved in any of it on the grounds that 'its not my decision to make, is it?'

In other news mum came round this afternoon...to get her house key back. She is totally in denial...prepared to defend him. I think all she can see is that they are two adults and in the literal sense she was consenting. No awareness of the context whatsoever.

@Thatsasmashingblouseyouvegoton Crikey you’re certainly in the thick of it. Much sympathy - and happy big birthday!,

Nn change here
(Was Chevyimpala67...)

Mum continues to deteriorate (imo)
Very Shaky now, can't walk without a stick, losing weight, forgetting things...

I've taken her stool sample and bp readings to the surgery today, they should have the blood results by now and have e mailed the gp about re reffering her for the colonoscopy. Flu jab next week.

Ds1 is having a "crisis" wrt one of his university modules. He wants to switch. Simple after only 2 days you might think? Oh no. No one to talk to, e mails state they might get back to you in 3 days but it will be more like a week. Except the deadline is Friday. I won't comment on the fact the module he wants to switch to is the one I advised him to take when he asked me my thoughts. Arrgghhhhh!!

So tomorrow will be more e mails to try and figure out who he needs to talk to. And he's got a dose of freshers flu so is feeling rather sorry for himself.

It's my big birthday this weekend and mum has given me some money which is nice.

I just seem to be in stasis when not dealing with the crises of various family members lately.