Cockroach Cafe 🪳Autumn 2022 🪳

Well you don't come across like that Sausagenbacon

I feel a fraud coming on here, given how difficult it is for many posters. My mum is 92 and lives independently, and my dear sister works her socks off for her.
But that is partly because my mum has refused to make sensible life choices - no, she won't move out of her large, aging house, and she does still drive.
I have grandchildren, and I would frankly prefer to focus on them but my mum is always going on, in her special droopy voice, about how much she wants to see them. We visited yesterday (so 5 hours driving altogether) with my son and his daughters (who are 1 and 3) and the last thing she said was that she wanted to see the other gc's. Nothing is EVER enough.
She only is interested in controlling us - getting my 70-year-old DH pick fruit, clean windows etc, and me to take assorted crap that she has hoarded off her hands.
The trouble with this, is that it's good to vent, but I feel like an absolute bitch typing it out.

I just wanted to pop on to send best wishes to those who frequent the cockroach cafe. It's really sobering to read the realities of helping aging parents .

My parents emigrated to Australia for retirement about 15 years ago - my only sibling lives there. It's a completely dysfunctional marriage and as a result (divide and conquer with the children) no-one in the family gets on. They've cut me off completely and I've had no contact for a number of years including NC with my sister. I was very, very, very upset at the time about their general behaviour when they flounced out but as my lovely DH has said, it's probably a blessing for me because they can't moderate their behaviour and they are bullies.
Anyway, they are late 70s, early 80s now, difficult and my mother is reclusive, a functioning alcoholic and can't drive. I don't have any of the responsibility or worry but am sad about how things have ended up. It's not want I wanted for them iykwim. My heart goes out to those on this thread though who are trying to balance their lives and their care for older relatives. 🌷

Hi all. I've been on mn for years but never realised this board existed. What a relief to find other sandwichers.
I've already said on another thread, but I do recommend Happy go Lucky by David Sedaris. I know he's not everyone's cup of tea, but one of the things he writes about is being a child of a difficult parent when you are aging yourself.
Being DS he is quite brutal, but (when one feels quite brutal oneself) it's quite a relief.

@countrygirl99 oh that all sounds very familiar! DM now has a mobile hive thermostat and doesn’t understand it at all - I keep finding it on top of the fireplace (same tropical heat). Every time I go there I have to move it into the kitchen.

She’s actually on good form at the moment though she had a fall in the garden at the weekend and didn’t tell anyone until we questioned why she had a black eye.

Went to mum'slast night to load new tablets into pivotell. She was moaning that she "stayed in all day waiting for a gas engineer" because " the heating isn't working". Except she went line dancing in the morning so would have been out 2 hours for that, more if they stood chatting as usual and she had vaccinations at the GP in the afternoon. I checked she hadn't turned the central heating off and forgotten (happened multiple times before) so yhe most likely problem is that the thermostat is in the living room and she had the electric fire on at a tropical level of heating there (also a frequent occurrence). She no longer understands the principal of a thermostat. Apparently she is going to phone British Gas this morning and give them a price of her mind at leaving an elderly lady with no heating. I'm staying out of it.

Hello all- good to see you@BinaryDot and so glad you are stepping away.
love the idea of the cockroach heraldic design.
sorry can’t add anything wise or useful to pp…. Just lots of sympathy and I hear you- especially about them wanting us to provide the quality of life……

I hope everyone is OK. I am not posting much, partly because I have had such varying events around DM, I haven't quite known what to say. Also partly because I have made a determined step away from the saga, with the aid of my lovely therapist, and have been involved with life and work instead.

In a nutshell, DM has been put on, and taken off, "end of life care" no fewer than three times. She is now fine, basically, no sign of "end of life". If she wasn't busy complaining, she'd be quite pleased about that in a 'fuck you all' sort of way.

What you say about no quality of life but looking to everyone else to provide it Definitelynotme strikes a chord. I've come to the conclusion that it's basically unsolvable and I don't try to now.

I just want to give a tiny wave in a big universe to everyone who is going through the overwhelming cycle of coping with parents as they age significantly, this forum has taught me so much about how alone families are with this and how daughters (mostly) bear the brunt. The logistics and admin and trying to get help or funding alone are frightening without adding in all the fraught relationships. I think an artistic person could come up with a Game of Thrones style heraldic design for the House of Cockroach that we could all wear as a badge of honour.

Morning all x

Got to mums this morning to get greeted with "look at this text!"

It's from the Dr's surgery. Her FIT test has ome back positive so she should be on a 2 week wait for a colonoscopy. You know, the test she cancelled a few weeks ago?

Sigh.

"That's me done. I've got cancer"

• No mum, it's to see why there is blood in your stool. You had an abdominal CT a few months ago and nothing was found. Try not to panic.

I think it might be her diverticulitis tbh.

Of course, it could be cancer. I just doubt it's bowel cancer.

Dh away - of course - so no one to talk to about it except you guys...

Hope you're all ok x

She even phoned the optician apologising for missing an appointment the previous day that she had attended and ordered expensive new glasses. 6 months later she tried to make another appointment because she was convinced she hadn't been for 2 or 3 years.

@Definitelynotme2022 haven't heard anything from mumbut that isn't unusual. She usually waits for people to phone her them complainshe hasn't heard from you in ages even if you visited 2 days ago.
I should be getting her new antidepressants to put in the pivotell in the next couple of days, that's been a bit of a saga and the pack is well travelled, so I'll have to go up after work when they arrive. Trying hard to think of something tactful/diverting to say if she goes on about the paperwork again. I can't think of anything other than totally ignoring it at the moment.
Last time I was up there was a "you were out" card from a British Gas engineer because she had booked a boiler service then gone out. She said they came on the wrong day but the card matched her calendar so she had done her usual thing of not knowing what day it was. But she still reckons she is totally capable of running her affairs and it was totally the engineer at fault. The trouble is this sort of thing is a regular occurrence, if we know when things are booked we can remind her/ be there but if she does it it goes to pot every time.

@devicelab is a live in carer an option?
This is what we've done for my parents, but I believe the cost is similar to a care home. Although it sounds like the best place for her is a CH. Is she sociable? Can you sell it from that angle?

@countrygirl99 Have you heard from dm? If she's not talking to you then I'd wait for her to come to you.

@ChiefFinderOuter This is exactly how I feel! Neither of my parents have any quality of life, and they expect everyone else to provide this. My df would be devastated if he realised how he's being, he categorically wouldn't want to live. I also have very strong feelings about this for myself, I'm simply not doing this to my children.

This a "me, me, me" post before I read back and catch up, and a virtual scream or 3!

DF got taken into hospital on Friday evening - suspected UTI with associated delirium. And today DM is being taken in, right now. She COPD and heart failure and her CO2 levels are too high and additional oxygen won't flush it through.

I'm meant to be going on holiday in 10 days.......

@ChiefFinderOuter

We had my dad at home in a similar state for 15 months (we went into a home for theatre 6 weeks or so).

It was utterly soul destroying to watch him like that for so long, and became incredibly difficult to manage his needs. We couldn't get any hospice support hence the home at the end as there was the constant fear that he'd take a turn for the worse and we wouldn't be able to get the Echo Team out fast enough to minimise any distress.

With the best will in the world he is probably in the best place for both of you, but I know how hard it is 💐

Went to visit df today, he’s in a care home with dementia. He’s simply wasting away. And I know that he might well continue to waste away for many many months or even years more. I’m just so sad, and angry. We don’t treat animals this badly. And maybe I should have done more to keep him at home so the decline wasn’t this fast. Nobody deserves to live like this.

@countrygirl99

Leave your mum to contact you . I'm sure she will when she realises she actually needs you .

Mum isn't talking to me. DB moved a long way away (several hours) last week. He has POA and earlier this year he removed important paperwork from Mum as she was shredding stuff that was important - unpaid bills, policy documents etc. She didn't like it, she is convinced the is perfectly capable of looking after the admin, but she isn't. E.g. a few weeks ago she was in a right state because British Gas had taken 2 direct debits that month and she was convinced they had got confused and were taking DBs payments as they were same surname, same town.the 2nd Dd was her service agreement payment but I couldn't get her to see that and ended up having to distract her with cake. She can't even remember that DB has already moved and thinks he moves next week. She wanted to make DB return the paperwork and I wouldn't. I am apparently a horrible person. There is no right thing to say.

I can't help feeling referring to being at home as 'not safe' isn't necessarily the way forward. The truth is that if she goes home, she's going to spend far more time in hospital because her falls will accelerate and her health problems will be far more difficult to manage at home.

@Mum5net you have hit the nail on the head. I am annoyed that OT & SW are indulging her fantasy of going home even though it's not in her best interests. It's making me think that I am being selfish for wanting her to stay in CH because it suits me. I don't understand why they refuse to see the risk and consequences, her choice and capacity seems paramount.

We have lunches out together every week for an escape and she comes to my house for visits. But she is an hour away and going back and forth takes all day. I tried taking her to her own home to have a meal and just hang out there together, but she didn't seem to enjoy it and hasn't wanted to repeat the visit. An overnight stay elsewhere would be out of the question, her mobility is so poor, she is very self-conscious, would consider it a waste of money and I wouldn't be able to manage her overnight.

@Knotaknitter your point about responsibility is very useful. I sometimes think DM wants me to make the decision for her, (she's from a generation where DF made all the life decisions) but I don't want be the bad guy who takes away her independence. She needs to understand the potential consequences of going home.

@MereDintofPandiculation she does have osteoporosis and takes tablets for it.

Thank you everyone it helps to know I am not being unreasonable, I sometimes feel a bit judged by friends who have no idea what it's like to be in this situation. I am going to pull on my big girl pants and spell it out for her.

My reading of @devicelab situation is that DM has the OT and SW acquiescing with her about returning home. OP has not got them in her corner.
Sadly, we all know another fall is inevitable and that the care home is absolutely the only solution.
However, as DM with capacity has ‘form’ for dismissing the care in place, it is still a possibility DM will demand to go home.
I think DM needs extra incentives to stay in the care home. “Stay these next four weeks, see how you get on and I’ve booked us an overnight at XX where we can have some fun. Then we can take it from there…”
Stalling tactics really… but on @devicelab ’s terms

@devicelab the starting point is the discharge - what do they want to discharge her with? Is she self funding? Be very clear that you haven't been able to find the care hours.
Then, be clear about what you can do. Sounds like mum still has capacity. Ask the social worker and OT to call a discharge meeting, which she should be involved in.
My MIL had to realise that after multiple falls and broken bones the options were move into a home whilst she was still able to have an opinion of where, or the stark reality of ending up dead.
She's now in a residential home with a nursing home attached, loves it and is very well looked after.
Ultimately it's her decision, please do not change your whole life around to accommodate her needs.
Recently my mum has shown signs of dementia, she has become vicious and is extremely clear what she does and doesn't want. So, we have all stepped away and only do the absolute essentials.
It's very difficult because often emotions are running high, but if things aren't possible, then they just aren't possible and no amount of emotional thinking will change that

I went to see MIL this week. The move to a care home has done wonders for her, she's eating properly, they are managing her diabetes, she's taking all her medication as prescribed and she's not sitting in front of the tv for 14 hours a day. She's chatty because she has so much to talk about. She looks so well and she's as happy as I've ever seen her. I don't know whether that's down to the dementia or the surroundings but she's a pleasure to be with now (and I can't believe that I'm saying that)

@devicelab It is not your job to make her happy, we are all responsible for our own emotions. "It's not my job to make her happy" - if you can put that on repeat you can skip everything that follows.

Yes, your mum can make her own decisions but that doesn't mean that you have to make them happen. She doesn't get to decide that she's moving in with you, hang onto that job because who knows what is in front of you this winter? Yes you'll feel guilty but at the moment your home is your safe space where you can shut the door and leave your caring responsibilities at the doorstep.

She doesn't want a live in carer, she's not willing to compromise on wake up and bedtime hours (and to be fair, I wouldn't either) - what's her solution to long term support once she's home? Moving in with you is not an option, having you there 24/7, not an option. Magical thinking where she's suddenly thirty again is also not an option. Part of being an adult is recognising that we can't always have what we want. You can't find carers for the hours she wants them, accept that they aren't there right now and stop trying. If she wants that service she can phone round and sort it herself or recognise that it won't be happening.

What do social services think she can go home with?

Think of it in terms of small children wanting a pony or wanting to play on the railway line. Yes, it might make them happy to say yes and facilitate it but it's still not a good idea. Your mum can have whatever she wants if she can pay for it and arrange it herself, that's the joy of adulthood. She can arrange a taxi and take herself home tomorrow but everything that would follow from that is her responsibility too. If she wants the risk of spending the night on the floor that's her choice. If she is happy with a hospital admission twice a month because of falls, that's her choice too. Even if she's not choosing the sensible option it's still her choice to make but it doesn't mean that you have to be there making the impossible work for her.

We had two years of discharge-fall-admission-discharge because MIL was determined to go home. It was her choice to make although the family knew that we'd be round the cycle again in a month. She didn't want to move, she didn't want a stairlift, she didn't want to use a commode and I was not magically able to generate a portal to the toilet upstairs. Nothing changed so it was inevitable that there would be another fall.

Oh @devicelab what a situation.

I can say immediately that your mum moving into your home sounds like a nonstarter. Think of your own retirement- giving up your job will seriously affect your own pension. Not to mention massively affecting your life, your children, your marriage.

Fundamentally your mum needs 24 hour care. That's very clear. The setting comes after acknowledging that need. She lay in her own urine for 12 hours because she is totally unable to care for herself.

I think the options are privately funded 24 hour care at home if she can afford that, possibly topped up with council care visits if she needs double handed care, or carrying on at the care home. That's probably it.

Turning your family home into a 24 hour care centre is not an option.