Cockroach Cafe 🪳Autumn 2022 🪳

I've had a breakthrough with Dad's care - our lovely lovely pall care nurse put in a fast track finance application and a local care company picked it up - they started yesterday. It's only 2 visits a day and Dad was incredibly resistant but then rang last night all bubbly and happy as he'd had different people to chat to. He's declining rapidly as the bastard cancer takes hold, but it's hopefully something we can manage to keep him at home with as long as possible. My sister is causing issues (how unusual ) by refusing to back off what she's doing, and turned up the same time as the carers yesterday but thankfully Dad told her she could go....... if it's not Dad testing my limits, it's my sister. It's been a huge weight off the mental load knowing he's got this in place now.

@chesterelly1 that doesn't doubd good. Will there be any care package arranged. Alternatively is it his wishful thinking. FIL would always be pushing to see of he could go home tomorrow and the "we'll see" response was always taken as a yes.

Is it too early to say I'm dreading Christmas? First one without dad and FIL. Mum will he coming to us so that means a 2 hour round trip to pick her up Christmas day and ditto to take her back Boxing Day and don't know how she will cope in an unfamiliar environment. Once dad stopped driving they stopped coming to us and we always went there. She doesn't remember FIL died in July and keeps asking me how he is getting on. On top of that DS1 and his partner will be here. Lovely partner can't have children following necessary medical treatment but mum keeps asking when they are going to have babies. I'm going to be on constant watch to change the subject.
Then we also have to visit MIL in her care home. At least she's only 45 mins away now but we need to schedule visits so she doesn't have loads on 1 day then nothing for a week. I'm trying to claim Christmas Eve or Boxing Day pm so I can have 27th completely free before I'm back to work on 28th. Of course I'm the only one in the team in between Christmas and New Year.

Hello fellow cockroaches. I hope the fact it's quiet on here reflects a relative calm in all our situations. I had a very restful break with the DC & DH even managed to join us for last 5 days. Distant memory now and been through the wringer with DF since then. What we were told was side effects of chemo (lots of d&v, accidents & mess, loss of appetite, rapid weight lose, plunging blood pressure causing a fall & bump to head) has been diagnosed as C diff. Admitted to hospital Saturday, diagnosed Sunday, had head CT yesterday (all clear) & started on antibiotics. He's just phoned me saying they are discussing discharging him later today. Does that sound right? He still has diarrhoea with v little control over it and has only eaten soup since being in.

@thesandwich I can't mention <whispers> the care home unfortunately. I've tried asking on a local forum but no useful replies yet. I hadn't thought about the drs - there's nothing on the websites but I could ask there - thanks.

@Badger1970 So sorry to hear that you are in a similar situation. I have got the SS visiting on Weds and I'll see what they say.

@Noodlekugel we're in the same position. Dad can't manage any level of self care whatsoever, but we can't even get a private care company in as the local ones are so short staffed. District nurses literally don't want to know, and we've been warned that hospice carers at the end may also be thin on the ground.

I'm literally at breaking point, and Dad needs better supervision than 2 full time working DC who pop in and out when they can.

@countrygirl99 happy to help with a shovel? Sending sympathy.
@Noodlekugel that sounds really tough. Would respite care in a care home be an option? Could you get reccomendations locally? Gp surgery?

Hi All - I'm urgently trying to find a carer for DM. DF was admitted to hospital as an emergency at the end of last week and will be there for a while. SS are arranging an urgent care package for DM but they will only assess on Weds and I've no idea when they will start. I'm really struggling with the personal care as DM is disabled. All private care companies locally seem to be full.

I don't suppose there is an answer really - just wanted to vent.

So while re-arranging the weekend chores to accommodate mum's latest need DH announces that he's out all day Saturday but forgot to put it on the calendar (yet again) so I had to re-jig my rejigging. I'm going to need a big patio to bury all the bodies.

I'm counting to 10 slowly. May need to repeat a few times. Large wine may be required this evening. Of course, if I get done for fratricide I won't be called upon for elderly parent duties so maybe I shouldn't hold back...

heartfelt thanks @MereDintofPandiculation and @PermanentTemporary that means so much.
Brilliant news @MereDintofPandiculation that your dh has finished treatment and is catching up with jobs! Hope he can pace himself too.
@PermanentTemporary good luck to your dh…. Honestly, I found the hardest part of it all was waiting for results/ waiting for treatment to start. The long running cancer thread in health is a great source of info. And build in treats throughout- whatever that looks like for you. We certainly explored every tea shop and garden within striking distance of the hospital…..

@thesandwich and @MereDintofPandiculation great news about you and yours finishing treatment. Whether it's something special or getting back to normality it must be quite a moment. Dp is just gearing up to start treatment on Monday week - hope we can be where you are soon.

Ok @Badger1970 plenty of room here! Sorry to hear what you’re going through.
Not caught up fully, apologies, have just had a lovely break away including a night at an incredibly lovely hotel as a special anniversary/ end of cancer treatment treat….. only to be disturbed in the luxurious lounge by a call from the continence nurse about dm……
gotta laugh.
cockroach all.

I'm not sure whether or not to laugh or cry reading these posts and realising I'm not the only one going through this absolute horror.........

Dad is 82, and was diagnosed with liver cancer in August (he's been unwell since around March but GP dismissed it all as long covid). Wasn't until he collapsed and went into hospital that he was given the diagnosis. He had such an awful stay for a week that he's now refusing to ever go back in there, and is insisting on being at home - with my sister and I running round after him like headless chickens while working full time and having busy lives

Current battles: the tumble dryer on 24/7 drying a dirty t shirt. Changing every 15 minutes as it feels wet (it's not). Trying to shower himself (he can't) then ringing in panic that he's fallen (he hasn't). Passing solid blood stools and making me ring GP and look a complete twit (bit of blood from piles). He's essentially a grumpy toddler in a grown man's body. I love him and have cried so many tears in the last 3 months but dear God, I could kill him myself and save us all the agony today is there a spare seat please on the bad daughters sofa........

I've just realised who the GP should asked for was - he retired when I was a child! Must be over 50 years ago.

Took mum to the GP this morning, it was like herding cats!
First off it was"oh you've changed your car" that was last year and mum's had loads of lifts in it but no, never seen this one before. It's a max 5 minute drive to the GP but in that time she managed to asked 3 times whether she had an appointment. "Yes mum, 9am Dr X". When we got to the surgery she marched up to reception and told them she wanted to make an appointment with a completely different doctor who doesn't exist. Must have been a previous GP.
She'd forgotten she was now taking antidepressants, for which this was a follow up appointment, and told the Doctor dad had died a couple of weeks ago and she thinks she might be depressed. Dad died in January.
Her papers had been delivered when we got back. She looked at the front page of the Mail and was puzzled that Rishi Sunak is PM and asked what happened to Boris.
I offered to drop her off at a social activity she says she goes to every week but she said her friend is picking her up. Except I left the house after the activity is supposed to start and no sign of the friend so now I doubt she's going. I know the friend was diagnosed with a serious illness a few months ago but mum tells me it was last week every time I see her maybe she is still too ill.

I think its the length of care giving that's depressing. What I mean is there are very elderly people who stay independent for a long time, then need care for a relatively short time. An elderly man I used to know in his mid eighties travelled by train, on his own, to Czech Republic to visit friends. He was part of a conservation group & regularly climed a ladder in a community orchard to prune trees. He told me he was looking at sheltered accommodation because he thought he was approaching the next step of his life & didn't want to make a rushed decision too late. He moved there, stayed relatively active/socially involved before he died.

Contrast my mother, now late 80s, but for last 5 years has lived a life where she doesn't even try - that sounds mean - but she won't even try to use remote to turn tv over so will sit all night watching stuff she hates then complains, she won't put bread in toaster but moans if she has to wait 10 mins for someone to make her breakfast. I find it difficult because she's in reasonably good health - every HCP we've ever seen has commented on how healthy she is for her age - and she has all her mental faculties. Looking after her is exhausting. I said to DP a couple of days ago, "I'm sure she'll go on into her 90s while I'll be dead & buried after a stress induced stroke or coronary (big sigh).

My dad was doing very well until 89 when he fell and fractured his pelvis and a couple of vertebrae.

My friend's FIL is older than my ILs, who are both in their eighties, and seems a good ten or fifteen years younger. He still runs his own business, goes on great holidays, has a good social life and lives independently. And yes, I do envy that, though to be fair my friend paid her dues looking after a demanding and increasingly dependent MIL.

My 90 year old next door neighbour is amazing, mowing lawns, decorating, climbing ladders, building computers. Wish my mum was. He and his wife are lovely lovely people.

It’s ghastly isn’t it. I envy people, not with rich parents, but sane ones. Or healthy.

Kind always seems too much to even wish for.

As a percentage, how many old people need daily care?

Whatever the numbers, they can’t be shrinking. But you still hear of old people who live independently into their 80s - indeed, I suspect most do.

My mum was very strange at our last visit. Apparently "things are getting worse and she needs to leave" so I really laid it on thick about the coming power cuts and the fierce winter and said she shouldn't think about moving before the Spring.

She was in her own little world then she started to talk about "the clock" and saying that "they've gone to see the clock". I found a video on my phone of a mechanical clock she had taken my son to see when he was 4 and she was delighted.

Then a bit later she started to talk about me by my nickname, saying "I hear Nickname calling Dad and he answers but I never see them. I wish I could see them." All while I am sitting right up close to her and stroking her arm. It's so sad.

I have to take mum to the GP Thursday. She is adamant that I don't need to drive up and she is perfectly capable of taking herself even though she has no clue why she is going or that her medication changed a couple of weeks ago. When I reminded her yesterday and said it's on her calendar she was looking at Thursday 13th instead of this week. I've told her the GP wants there as I've taken over filling her pivotell and they need to make sure I know what I'm doing.