Cockroach Cafe 🪳Autumn 2022 🪳

And when filling in AA form base the wording on how your loved one is on their worst days, not their best. My mum would say "But I like to try and make my own meals" but the truth was that more often than not she would end up needing my help. The same with dressing and getting in and out of bed. Go for the worst case scenario in every question.

@EmmaAgain22 hello, loads of us have gone through aa application- golden rules are ask for a paper copy, they are date stamped so claim will be backdated to that date( or was when we applied pre covid) and seek input from age uk/ carers uk/ cab who can provide expert advice to how to best complete these, reflecting your dp at their worst.

Thank you!

Hi everyone
I think I posted here about my late father but that was ages ago

sorry so many people are struggling. I'm just finding my feet again but will try to offer any help if possible. Badger it took mum three weeks to accept dad had to be put on comfort care only. I tried to peruade her, she said no and I just remember weeping, but in the end, I know she was the decision maker for him. Harder with a sibling of course.

I now have to organise stuff for mum. She's 84. Was reasonably well till a blackout, probably a stroke, and a fall a couple of weeks ago - not the first. She also has a heart condition. Stroke hasn't been proven, which may cause issues. She does have a diagnosis of frailty.

She will now need help generally for cooking, cleaning etc. is using a zimmer frame but can't move around much.

I would like to apply for Attendance Allowance for her but was also wondering if PIP is better - or do you do both?

We don't plan to ask social services for anything else. If the AA is granted, then I might apply for carer's allowance as I am likely to be her carer. But it looks like AA is the first step?

She is currently in respite care that we paid for privately, because the hospital wanted to discharge her with one 30 min carer visit. I have also had a stairlift installed. I wasn't able to cope with things until she got stronger, hence the respite care.

Thanks for any advice.

I’m now up to seven bank accounts. There are also shares and various investment bonds that I haven’t looked at yet.

17! I thought DF and DM were bad with 6 plus five pensions, each one going into a different account!

My father had 17 different accounts; 2 years after his death things are still not finalised.
☹️

That’s really tough, I know what it’s like. SIL tried insisting 89 year old FIL , who was dying, was to be resuscitated at all costs unless she said otherwise. I was speechless.
Reading this thread brings back so many hideous moments with my DPs; they died during Covid (thankfully not of Covid and were in a NH) and I still have flashbacks of the completely inappropriate and unreasonable demands put upon me.
I really do feel for you all trying to juggle life with caring roles, especially if you work and have children too. It nearly killed me.
💐

The splitting of hotel costs and care costs was in the air when I was working in that field in the late 1990's. Thirty years on and nothing much has changed.

I'm leaving mum's in the bank. She is classed as fully funded by the local authority although in practice that means she pays all her pension bar £ 120 a month to the council. So the £ 300 will sit in her account towards anything I need to get her or pay for such as the hairdresser or the chiropodist.

Actually Dint that's what DSis says. She says we have to keep it in case DM's frail finances come to an end and we have to move her.

No one has DM’s address apart from the Government. I got a letter forwarded to me from the care home from DWP to DM saying that her £300 Winter fuel payment would be in her bank account soon.

For some reason It never occurred to me she would get funds. I’m going to give the £300 to the care home as their heating bills must be sky rocketing. She’s not got much ££ spare but she would absolutely want to be warm. (She hardly eats their food.) Do you think others will absolutely be doing the same? I do hope they do.( Assuming they have any funds beyond the fees.)

@MintyCedricHereWeGoAgain

I'm glad it sounds reasonably positive . Good news on the home front for your mum .

I hope it all works out ok and that gives you more time with your dd .

A positive reset is the best possible outcome really isn't it. Not sure what is permissible to say about a situation that is under investigation but it doesn't sound as though your relationship with your mother has been damaged beyond repair so that's good.

That is exactly how I feel about my relationship with mum. It's very different of course but I am her daughter again and she is my mum instead of being her carer/arms and legs.

Hi @Frostine...I was debating whether to post an update when I saw your post!

There hasn't been any more news on the investigation. SS called me and asked me to go through it all again on Friday. I suspect that since it's their words against mine it's not going to go much further but at least he's out of our lives (AFAIK...have got a notion a couple of times that they might still be in touch).

Mum and I going along okayish. We see each other and speak on the phone but maybe 2/3 times a week for an hour or so...nothing like before. If she starts talking about him/castigating me I walk out or hang up. It's not too bad on the whole.

Her house went on the market last week and she's already had four viewings...hoping to move to a warden assisted flat about 5 miles away. She's had her second cataract done and I'm just about to go and pick her up.

So all told, not a total horror story in the end (so far anyway!), and had actually reset our relationship in a positive way at least from my POV.

If you are still on here Minty , how is your mum ?
I often wonder how her / your situation is going .
All ok hopefully ?

And give your will to be kept by a solicitor - well done Mum - but then make sure you tell someone or write down which solicitor it's with...

@MrsSchadenfreude

I found a similar convoluted, multiple account mess when I took on PoA, then amplified by sorting out proceeds of a house sale when she went into care.

The process of rationalising then ensuring nothing breached the 85k was beyond stressful as every institution demanded different bits of paper and evidence as I D was an issue. It's how I found this thread. I will need to address it again now interest rates are increasing.

Mine is still alive but has dementia, and is burning through the money at an alarming rate in her very nice care home, so I would try to look on the bright side that there is at least some money left. I suspect the lifetime cap will be delayed again in next week's budget.

And yes, as you say, if you have oversight of an elderly's finances before they lose capacity, then the advice to rationalise as much as you possibly can is spot on, bearing in mind the 85k limit.

The fewer entities you have to deal with, either as PoA or in probate, the better.

@thesandwich she was meant to be flagged as a vulnerable customer but somehow this had got deleted. So DB spent ages on the phone cancelling the appointment for the quote and getting them to check and correct their records for the POA he holds etc.
It now turns out she hadn't called them yesterday even though she was insistent she was waiting in for them. We think she must have got muddled with the appointment earlier in the week. This is the woman who is furious that DB has kept all the important paperwork (he caught her shredding unpaid bills, vital records etc) because "what would she do if she needed to make an insurance claim" which really doesn't bear thinking about.
I tell my children that they won't have to worry about our old age because our parents will have driven us to an early grave.