Cockroach Cafe 🪳Autumn 2022 🪳

@Badger1970 We (the children and I) are thinking of an unattended funeral for DM when the time comes followed by a party. She has always hated funerals - I can count on one hand the number she has attended. She didn't go to her parents', her sisters' or my dad's. I am sure she would prefer it. However my uncle - her younger brother - might not be happy with that. I know it is not up to him but I really would not want to upset him. They are very close - he was fantastic when my dad was dying - and I would hate to make a decision that made him unhappy. But that is a conversation I will have to have with him nearer the time.

@Borntobeamum I echo what @Mum5net says. My mum also feels she has been dumped and has been desperately unhappy during her time in the home - just over a year. But I have to remember that she was exactly the same at home. She resented anything I did that wasn't with her - she wanted me to be by her side from the moment she got to the moment she went to bed - and if I took a phone call while I was with her she would cry about how lonely she was. I could not make her happy. As it is now I visit her once a week and we have good visits and bad visits. On a good week she talks about the gang she has joined who have formed a craft club (the activities lady does a lot of crafts), on a bad week she wants us to take her home there and then. We just repeat that there is a fuel crisis and she needs to stay where she is for now because the weather is getting worse and there are power cuts coming. Then we move on to how nice and warm she is in the home.

I still feel from time to time I have let her and dad down but I had no alternative. She's warm, safe, clean and fed. And I have my life back.

I can't say I'm an expert but I agree with this
A friend had a mum with Alzheimers and she was miles away so my friend only visited once every six weeks. It was enough, apparently.

Just a few quick observations, if she has no money but the social work team has found her a bed, that is a blessing as resources are scarce.

If she is nasty to you please consider visiting her much less often. She is safe and being looked after.
Also consider if she would be happy any where? Sadly, illness can leave some people particularly challenging.
Really difficult, I’m sorry.

Oh gosh @Borntobeamum that sounds difficult. I don’t have any advice for you but there is some real expertise on this thread.

In short, dad passed away sept and mum was in a care home for respite in the hope dad would join her. He did, for 3 weeks where he spoke about not being able to go home, how mum was impossible to deal with and how weary he was. He had a massive stroke and passed away leaving mum confused and very unhappy in the care home.
She is a nightmare to visit as she cries and says she feels abandoned. Nobody asks he what she wants etc. She’s no money etc
Shes awaiting an appointment at the memory clinic though the staff are in no doubt she has Alzheimer’s. She often calls me mum and says I ought to look after her as she’s my daughter.
I saw her on Sunday and she was so cruel I walked out in tears.
She’s phoned me twice since then, on the care home phone and they connect us and I really dont want her calling and upsetting me like this.
I have a sibling but the staff say I’m the one who gets the grief.
Should I look for another setting? She’s over an hour away from where I live so I can’t pop in for a short visit. I dont want to move her closer to me as that really would mean I’m the one who does everything.
Any advice welcome. X

Best oh, how dreadful, I am sorry you had that experience.

This is something I should look at - I thought the police or ambulance would organise a mortuary van.

It’s not insensitive at all @Badger1970. I think it’s wise to think of these things and be prepared.
When DF died of a heart attack at home, the paramedics attended but of course they won’t take a dead body. I had to ring an undertaker to collect him. He died on the floor of the living room so could hardly be left there. It was all very traumatic and we were reeling from the shock and suddenness of his death. They came very quickly. Of course it fell to me to contact the undertaker and I’d never done anything like that so found it completely overwhelming.

@Badger1970 not insensitive. These are the discussions to have. If you look up the websites, undertakers now post prices and give a breakdown of services they will deliver. There truly is a lot of merit in some situations for the no-frills version. The undertaker company will pick up the body, from home or hospital, attend to it appropriately but won't give an option to see your DF again. I popped in yesterday with an outfit and signed papers. They take a 'spare' spot at a local crematorium, normally before 09.00, where no-one can attend. The funeral people I've chosen were recommended to me and they have been superb so far. DM will be transported in private ambulance and I know she's arriving at 08.40 am. She is being returned to us in a scatter tube. DM's invoice was £810 and we paid it in advance. We will have a party in Dec for her observing all her favourite traditions and quirks. For our family it is the best route. My DSis has specified already that this is the route she wants.

I've been looking at Direct Cremation as an option for my Dad when the time comes - Dad hasn't mentioned what he wants to happen, but he was very hermit like and didn't see/hear from his family so I'm buggered if I'm paying £4k for a crem service for them to shed their crocodile tears (long story).

Do you still need to use an undertaker though? What happens if someone dies at home? Sorry if this is insensitive.... but it has been keeping me awake at night.

It's going to take me a while to work out who everyone is - intrigued by Goldentits!

Direct cremation sounds like a good plan.

@orangetriangle it is a huge relief when you know they are safe &@Tupperwarelid yes, fingers crossed, for a little bit of luck.

@Fantasea You deserve a medal. Hope Goldentits is fielding the phone calls.
Direct cremation booked for Friday

@Tupperwarelid everything crossed for you too.

@Mum5net thank you for asking and how kind of you to think of me when you have such a tough time going on. My DM finds her new house very unsatisfactory, there is so much wrong with it and somehow this is my fault. When she dropped her bombshell, I insisted on a survery which revealed loads of issues but she was very angry with me when I suggested she negotiate a reduction in price. She now regularly complains about the amount of money she is 'wasting' getting various things fixed. She still owns the flat she moved from and 'hasn't decided' what she's doing with it. I've recommended she sell it but she won't engage in this discussion. Adult DD and I think she is intending on becoming a landlady at nearly 90 but I'm just not getting involved.

Thank you everyone.

we have just reluctantly put mum in a home and at last the pressure is off us and she is safe and well cared for staff there seem lovely fingers crossed it works out for youx its so stressful

Everything crossed @Tupperwarelid

Oh Tupperware I have everything crossed for you.

It worked out for us do hopefully it will for you too.

Please can you keep everything crossed for me and DM? DF is currently in respite care a little way away from DM while she recovers from a hip replacement. She has realized that she can no longer care for him ( he has Parkinsons and dementia) and wants to move him to a home nearer to her so she can visit more regularly. She rang one today that actually has an empty room and asked if she wants to view it tomorrow. They will then have to go and see DF and see if they can care for him. DM thinks everything is too good to be true but I'm hoping and praying someone is looking down on us and it will work out. Please keep everything crossed that it works out. I might actually get a decent night sleep if it does!

Mum5net hope it's all cope-able with.

Mum and sis didn't like the carer. I knew that was going to happen! She does home help too but apparently said "there's not a lot to do" - no, because it's been done, the point of the home help bit is we don't have to do it.

It's been agreed she will come a few more times but as mum seems to be improving, that's maybe an end to it. I suspect she won't come for the first appointment tomorrow tbh. There'll be no shortage of work for her.

My sister says there's more improvement in mum today. Increasingly we think that after effects of concussion are wearing off, whereas the doctors didn't think concussion warranted a mention. So odd.

I never knew grandparents and have no idea what level of frailty warrants a carer.

Been busy loading a skip all weekend as my DSis mid renovation. Tomorrow is care home clearance and choosing outfit for DM. good you have DSis on same page @EmmaAgain22 Thank you for asking.
@Fantasea How are you getting on with your neighbour? My DPs once agreed to buy my DSis’s house. Day before exchange my DF refused to move out of original house. In the end he would only move to DSis’s brand new house. So DSis who had packed to move had to unpack and stay in her house for another six months while she owned the new property possessed by DPs. I’ve thought about you frequently this week when my DSis and I have been discussing DP’s many many escapades

How are you Mum5net?

Mum is much better today. some of this might be just that I find it so awful to see, and the fear of her ending up like her older siblings, which I know some of you are already having with your parents.

My sister is spot on - how many times do we have to go through the whole shebag...something awful happens -> days in hospital -> is she dying -> no -> support the recovery -> lose that chunk of brain that's always lost when this stuff happens.

I would like to cross over with my sister because she's the only person I can talk to IRL. This thread is a such a blessing.

tbh I have seen it before but never posted because there are times you want to talk but also times you just want to ignore it all.

There’s sometimes a twilight period @EmmaAgain22 when the hierarchy of who is senior in the relationship between you and your parent shifts. I think that’s why it all seems so tough. It’s all a bit undefined,
With DM on the mend, need you necessarily wait for a handover in person with your DSis? Just go. This will let DSis see the extent of the problem. Hope you get a quiet day soon.

Mum absolutely will not have a key safe at the moment.

it's been amazing to get her to agree to stairlift, to going in respite care after hospital, to hiring cleaning help, to meeting a carer. I think that's enough for now. Two neighbours have keys for emergencies.

I can understand that the idea of being unable to even answer the door is too awful to consider for her atm.

I think it's good for her to get used to carer visits now even if she doesn't "need" them, though I have a different definition of needing care maybe. I dunno. I have a feeling my sister will also say she doesn't need care.

Let that person take over. One word- keysafe so carers can let themselves in.
let your dm get used to carers now- easier to increase if neccesary.
and yes, you do need to recover.

The oxygen mask thing doesn't work in reality. If we didn't have the money to put mum in a private care home, I am not sure what would have happened.

my sister has organised a carer to meet them both at mum's house on Monday morning. I think mum is a bit put out because not a lot needs doing and in theory, I can do all of it and we had both hoped for that, but a mere 3 days shows it's not a good plan. Or perhaps I need to recover after the last few weeks? I forgot to add, she had numerous doc appointments before this fall.

i had one person say to me "oh caring is really easy - you just have to be around to let their carers in". !!!!! But actually, if that was an option, it would be a possibility.