Cockroach Cafe 🪳Autumn 2022 🪳

I often think that services paid for by public sector are things that we aren't likely to need...then there's big gaps like, a national office co-ordinating a mortuary type arrangement would be good.

when dad died, in a hospice, the mortuary had him for a time while we sorted out the funeral. It would be helpful if that was a thing for all deaths.

I don't know what happens if there's a post mortem and I've known three incidents where those were ordered and were totally unnecessary, but I'm hoping that trend - and there was definitely a period of it - has passed now.

Thank you all for advice re undertakers

A strange thing to add to my to do list!

Physio saw mum today, said she is in good nick for her age but can see effect of stroke.

effectively told me not to be over protective. So we've now had a private carer and private physio tell me that, I will take it on board.

one thing my sister did agree with is that we need more domestic help but I suspect mum will try and manage with just us, which is annoying.

It's definitely a good idea to have a funeral directors name & number ready. I was at a bit of a loss when step father died. We ended up having him cremated in the biggest town nearest where him & DM lived, even tho DM wanted him cremated in Bham. Funeral Director was very unwilling to transport body back to where all the family (except DM &SF) lived, but it was in lockdown things were difficult because of that. We had to have one of those services that you watch over Internet. My sister's family & me & DH were in same bubble so we got together to watch & have a funeral tea afterwards.

Funeral director also put us in touch with someone who would conduct funeral & he helped me a lot with the service. SF was non-religious but DM wanted SF to have a religious service. It was difficult because no one really knew what he'd want regarding burial/cremation/hymns/prayers etc. I know I won't be there but I'm making my wishes very clear (I'm pagan) & I don't want anyone else's ideas of what is good taste/what's right/whats going to get me to heaven, imposed on me. We really don't talk about death enough and it leaves people unsure what to do.

I'm not sure where I stand on direct cremation. My DF chose that. He was atheist & very practical. No ceremony, no memorial, there was nothing. I feel I never got the chance to mourn, to be with others to celebrate his life. It seemed unfinished, somehow. Almost like his life didn't matter.

Thank you for the undertakers advice.

Having had an awful experience with the undertaker who buried my late dh, after my dad died I rang 3 of them and went with the one who seemed to get what we wanted and who was easiest to talk to. I'd thoroughly recommend this approach. Incidentally he was also the cheapest but that wasn't the main focus for us.

Permanent - yes, undertakers can transport the bodies long distances, they do it all the time. Several members of my family have been buried in the same small village churchyard over the past few years, all needed to be transported between 80 and 200 miles to get there. DH was flown 6,000 miles back to the UK for his funeral.

Many undertakers are now part of nationwide franchises/chains so arrange for a linked firm to handle arrangements at each end. If you want the funeral to be held near you, you might want to make advance enquiries with a few of your local undertakers to see which might have a branch or associate firm near your mum's care home, so you have the number for who to call when the day comes.

I had a sudden death at home and had to attempt to think of an undertaker's name at 2am. My mind was a blank, I couldn't have done it if my own life had depended on it. One of the paramedics suggested a couple of names at which point I remembered that there were two undertakers in the village.

When mum died in hospital I called the donation number at the teaching hospital, they sorted everything out with the hospital where mum was and all I did was sign the paperwork that was sent me. I've recently bought a plot at a local woodland burial site and had the placques made for the interment of my father's and husband's ashes, mum will be going there sometime next summer and the last space is for me. I'm an only child, I've told my son he can do whatever he wants and if anyone asks he can tell them that was what I specified.

I wonder if anyone has experience of having a funeral at a place far from the death?

My mum is in a specialist care centre in a county where she knows nobody. We will want a funeral much nearer one of us. I assume an undertaker can transport her a fair distance if necessary?

A direct cremation wouldn't be mum's style at all, she liked a formal funeral with everyone in black and ideally a burial.

We were lucky that DF had seen the GP less than 48 hours earlier but we still had a visit from the police and I had to speak to the Coroner. It was during the pandemic so that was over the phone. I had absolutely no idea about any of this - when you are in a state of shock as well, it is a lot to deal with.

It’s made me think we should talk much more freely about death.

Funnily enough, the palliative care nurse was very insistent that the GP came to see Dad this week. I hadn't remembered the part about seeing a Doctor within 2 weeks.

Yes if someone dies unexpectedly it causes complications. When mum was getting near the end the district nurse told me to get a home visit from the GP so they had seen her. I rang the surgery and said I thought she was near the end and the GP came out straight away. Said it would simplify the admin.

I wouldn't want to raise it with mum.

if someone dies "unexpectedly" I thought you had to call the police and they would get the deceased taken to the mortuary.

I'm scared that Dad is past these decisions, but I must make the effort to talk to him about it.

The other thing is that my DF had paid up front for his funeral with a different undertaker than the one I called to collect his body.. He had mentioned it to me but I always brushed it aside, not wanting to talk about it. If I’d listened properly I’d have known who to call on the day. As it was I spent the day after he died getting the undertakers to speak to each other and sort it out. I can laugh about it now
So it’s worth having these conversations if, unlike me, you listen).

Mum was always up front about death and arrangements etc. So when the palliative care nurse was sent to see her, I emailed three undertakers and asked for direct burial quotes, and checked out potential burial sites. She was all about lists and organising so I thought she would be proud of me (!).

Good job I did as she died suddenly a few days earlier than expected.

It was late in the year and most of her friends were equally elderly; the prospect of someone's gran slipping at the graveside or getting hypothermia did not entice me.

So we had a no-service burial with only very close family there observing - and a memorial event, inside, in the warm, in a local venue with comfortable seats and catering, a week later. Not stuck in a cold crem hall for half an hour with people looking daggers if you run over.

Would definitely recommend.

Dad died a year ago. I'm revisiting the whole episode. It's a year distant so I'm gaining perspective. The undertaker was wonderful, the funeral was completely what my DM wanted. I was upset at the time because it didn't seem to fit with my expectations of DF, more about DM - but he usually did what she wanted so, in these circumstances maybe that's the answer!

Thanks everyone, that has made me feel loads better. This thread is invaluable.

There are so many questions and it can be hard asking others.

@Borntobeamum you've had some wise advice. Chances are that your DM is going to be unsettled wherever she is. I used to work in a care home, and there are phases in early dementia that are really challenging but she will settle as her illness progresses. And she's probably very confused wondering where your Dad is. The main thing is that she's safe, in the hands of experienced care staff and you can sleep at night. Add that all up and it's a good score.

@EmmaAgain22 when my dad was dying my uncle told me that he would deal with everything (he is a retired church minister and alongside that was the superintendent of the crematorium for many years). I rang him and told him dad had died and he called the undertaker and brought him to the house to go through everything we needed to do.

So is it wise to have the number of an undertaker handy?

I am so sorry people are struggling so much with parents in homes.

I met the carer/home help today, the one mum and sis don't like. I thought she was fine but she clearly isn't keen on doing the home help side of things.

Her assessment of mum is that she doesn't need a carer. Touch wood, mum does seem to be recovering and improving daily. It's interesting to get an outside view as the carer said to me "I can tell you, people who need care do not get out of bed with that level of energy and vigour".

I guess I'm comparing mum to how she was before she fell.

She is still getting her words in a muddle, presumably an effect of stroke. She is needing the zimmer but again, it might be that I'm just a bit shocked seeing mum like that and people are living independently like this all the time?

my mum is in a home now been there about 3 weeks we have awful visits and slightly better visits sometimes she cries and calls out but she did that at home. They say she does it more in the afternoons when she is tired. At the end of the day we feel she needs to be where she is warm cared for and safe. Nothing phases them at the home they have seen it all before she has had no falls since being there and everything is dealt with. When she was at home with carers coming in it was a constant worry to be honest
At the home they get her up and dressed and take her down to the lounge for the saying her wheelchair and she sits in there in a comfy chair and they keep a constant eye on her. There are various activities going on which I'm not sure she fully understands but she joins in as they have shown us pictures of her doing flower arranging having her nails painted etc
It does make me feel guilty when she asks to go home but at her stage of dementia it simply isnt safe for her to be at home she needs 24 hour care

Thank you all for your input.
This really is making me ill.
I feel as if I’m grieving the loss of my mum more than my dad, and yet she’s still here.
😢

Echoing others, @Borntobeamum , when I say that MIL isn't happy anywhere. Not at home, not in hospital, and very likely not in the care home she'll probably have to move into. SIL is still breaking her heart trying to please her mum every weekend, and by the time it's DH's turn to do the weekday visiting again, she's forgotten her DD was ever there and complains she hasn't bothered to see her for months. MIL is really quite angry that her family aren't in hospital all day with her, and isn't shy about letting us know how crap we all are. The hospital is an hour away from us, and more like 2 hours from SIL, and someone goes to see her every day. I've been thinking for months that it's too much, mentally, physically and emotionally, and the benefits to MIL seem to me to me to be diminishing rapidly.

But that makes me sound like the callous DIL. So I don't push it.

Mum had been seen by her GP the day she died so no need for a post mortem. I rang 111 and they sent a doctor to certify her death (long wait for that but it was night time. The undertakers came half an hour after the doctor left. They are on standby 24/7 and were very nice

@Badger1970 I organised a direct cremation for mum this year. It cost £1600. The local undertaker sorted it all. Collected her from her home when she died and returned her ashes to us. Very straightforward. We had a lunch in her honour a few weeks after which was lovely. I've still got her ashes here. No idea what to do,with them

I thought that the older family members would make a stink about the lack of a funeral for mum (she left her body to the teaching hospital) but I was pleasantly surprised. Firstly because she'd discussed it with them at the time she set it up and told them that there would be no service and secondly they were all struggling with health problems and sounded relieved not to have to turn out in the winter.