Cockroach Cafe 🪳Autumn 2022 🪳

Oh Badger it is merciless. I'm afraid I've no advice other than take this 48 hrs while he's still at hospice to take some time out. I mean he's clearly in good hands. Do whatever it is that gives you head space and fortify yourself for what any change in care may bring.

Dad's been in the hospice since Saturday, and Monday we all thought was his last day. He was in bed, mouth open and barely breathing. Was awake all night expecting the phone to ring any second. Went in Tuesday, he's sat out of bed in a chair, having a Fortesip and being the grumpiest bastard imaginable with the nursing staff. So much so that after 5 days, they've said he's not an appropriate admission there (only 18 beds I think) and that he needs to be in a high dependency nursing home. I'm torn between relief that they've got on top of all of his symptoms and he looks/feels better; and pure bloody anger with him that his rudeness and temper has meant that they're not prepared to have him there They're having an MDT meeting today and will ring later but I think their goal is to move him within the next 48 hours. I feel like walking away today and letting him face the bloody consequences of his behaviour for once. I know he's scared, and he's not in control of anything anymore but his attitude is frankly shit. And what scares me the most is them finding him a home who then can't manage him.

I want to get off this merry go round, thanks, I never bloody asked for a ride in the first place.

Sorry full on day yesterday. We have found somewhere that has a residential home and care home on the same site. Decent size rooms so FIL could make a little sitting area separate to bed area. Very helpful, knowledgeable staff. On a bus route. FIL could be in residential to start with and they would assess and advise if and when they thought care home more appropriate. In residential he can still have the oxygen that his condition requires him to have and several residents already have visits from district nurses and other health professionals. And it is v reasonably priced compared to some so I think the funds could stretch enough. He is aware of the financial implications but is very head in the sand about money running out. But tbh this feels so right I'm prepared to stick my head in with him. Fingers crossed for a space everyone!
Paying for having a day off from visiting DF he's been on phone several times Getty shirtier every time. Probably a sign he's getting better. He was moved from hdu to ward. DH is having day off travelling to visit his dad, as he's in the smaller hospital in his hometown now there are a few extended family and old neighbours who want to pop in. DH is coming with me to see mine. I think he's ready to be bad cop about arranging proper occupational health assessment before this discharge etc so I can avoid the vitriol of last time. So once again fingers crossed!

So in spite of mum's recovery going well, this afternoon she said to me "I have a feeling I don't have long". I think the same. I can't bear that I have to lose her, but I don't want her to have the miserable EOL her brothers had.

so we had the funeral chat, she is fine with whatever, but suspects we'll hear a lot of griping if it's a direct/private thing.

She's got a hospital follow up which she said she could attend alone but it turns out she doesn't really remember what happened in hospital.

@chesterelly1 our experience of one of the posher sorts of homes was that they wanted proof of a minimum of 3 years' fees in the bank before they would consider taking dm. At the point we were asking, we hadn't completed on DMs flat so they just turned us down. No idea if that's typical.

Possibly he could try a respite stay? He might find it's not what he thinks and would consider going back to his flat?

chester I've only known of one person whose money ran out and Social Services kept her where she was to avoid upheaval and distress. But she passed a couple of years ago and things may well have changed.

speaking of no memory, I'm afraid I stopped visiting that lady when she told me - crossly - that I never visited. I went twice a week.

I found it quite distressing for a while tbh - so once I realised she wasn't even registering my visits, I stopped. That time period crossed over with dad dying and I couldn't cope. She was a lovely friend and neighbour but she wasn't really "there" any more. She had other neighbours visiting - her only child predeceased her - and one of them did once a week and reported back that it was always the "you haven't visited for months" conversation.

Re visits my mum cant remember who has visited from 1 hour to the next so is always saying no one ever comes to see me which is sad as she is having a fair amount of visitor's

No we've taken that into account

@chesterelly1 if he sells his flat would he have the money to cover 5 years plus? (Sorry if you've already answered that).

Having had DM in 3 and MIL in 3, my go to Q is ‘how long has the manager been there and can they demonstrate a well led, trained and settled staff?
If the answer to that is positive, then go on to the next set of qs. If not, keep looking.

You also want it to be reachable by public transport so they can recruit and keep staff who don’t need to get taxis early in the morning for change over.
Once you know the staff situation is good you are free to progress…

Should add what kind of questions did you all ask when choosing a care home? How do you ensure the best fit?

Bit of a dilemma here re FIL. Diagnosed with life limiting lung condition in October. Hospitalised last month, needing oxygen. Was working with physios and Occupational Health with view to going home. Developed UTI, in a lot of pain and largely incontinent, now in a smaller community hospital. He wants to go into a care home. Says he doesn't feel safe on his own even with carers going in, and moving into flat nearer us that we found, enabling us to see him much more often (this would still be option I thought DH had pulled out of the purchase but he held off). However social services and medical staff really believe he would manage ok with this set up.
Prognosis is 3-5 years life expectancy. That's from Dr Google still no sign of appointment with consultant who specialises in the condition (if you remember he was wrongly referred to oncology)
With £308 pw available he would have to be topping this up and frankly the money would run out. Presumably at that point Social Services could insist on him moving somewhere cheaper.
Should we be trying to persuade him to try being in his flat and be able to move to one of the nicer homes we've found maybe a year down the line with a view to having the funds to be able to see out his days there? Or do we go with his wishes now and stop worrying about what ifs?

I ring before I go just to check that MIL will be there and isn't in hospital. I'm family enough to visit every week but not family enough to be told when she's been admitted. They've been closed to visitors because of a covid outbreak, I read the guidance and she can still have one named visitor throughout an outbreak but that's not me.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere I would imagine you would do the same for others if you could. Glad you won’t miss out.

Mum's home says you don't have to book but some of the nurses are a little less "welcoming" than others! I always phone before visiting because they do have things going on like the hairdresser and the podiatrist so I like to be sure she is ok for a visit - even though the visit is the same time every single week!

She has been there for over a year now and I have never had a problem getting to see her. My cousin likes to visit so we go after she finishes work on Friday lunch time. While she has been poorly my friend has been taking me and mum has loved seeing her. She had offered to take me again on mum's birthday which was very kind. Then yesterday we realised we had the wrong day - she had kept the Sunday free but the birthday is Monday - and cousin is in work. I asked on FB if there was anyone who could take me and in minutes two people had jumped in to offer me a lift.

I am so overwhelming grateful! That someone would take a couple of hours out of their day a week before Christmas to sit and talk to mum who probably won't even know who either of them would be. The home makes a big fuss of birthdays with banners and cake so if I really want to see her "on the day" - and who knows how many birthdays she will have left.

Permanent I think that's dreadful that you still have to book. I can't fathom what their excuse for that might be?

I'm relieved to see the replies to Permanent's post about booking. MIL isn't likely to have made the move to a nursing home from hospital before Christmas, but one of her constant themes is that people aren't visiting enough, and only show up at 'inconvenient' times, ie evenings and weekends. Every day. Again, it's the guilt. She probably wouldn't remember if anyone did call in on a weekday morning. Why am I saying probably? She doesn't remember she literally poured away a cup of tea 90 seconds ago now that she wants another one.
FIL would like to be able to just pop in to a local nursing home as and when, to get it out of the way in the morning, I suspect. But he wouldn't cope with the stress of having to ring up and book it every time.

Haha muddle brother was a very appropriate typo😅

@PermanentTemporary I bet it's because it's the one time of year they are overrun with visitors, many of whom only come once a year, and they are worried about managing the crowd. I'll confess now that DH and his youngest DB deci to put a "suggestion" on the family WhatsApp group that everyone puts on there when they are visiting MIL over Christmas so she doesn't get all visits at once purely to see if muddle brother bothers at all.

@EmmaAgain22 yes I always book in, it's a Covid thing that seems to still exist. Once I forgot and just rang on the way there and they were like 'oh we didn't know you were coming' and seemed a bit thrown, so I still do it. They never normally make any comment which is what stood out (and the tone of voice).

@Tupperwarelid I hope it goes well next week and that your dm gets into a routine with him quickly. It can be such a relief all round.

Tupperware oh that's good.

Permanent I bet it's an admin thing. I do hate the way xmas is made into such a big deal. Do you normally have to book in visits?

@PermanentTemporary DM will be surrounded by people.. Goodness knows what that staff member was thinking. You don’t have to explain yourself.

@PermanentTemporary that sounds tough but perhaps they need to know who is visiting and for how long so that they can fit everyone in.