Cockroach Cafe 🪳Autumn 2022 🪳

Thanks all. The SW visit today was instructive and she was lovely and helpful.

in parallel, we spoke to her GP today as mum had another funny turn in the night and DB had to pick her up from the toilet floor and carry her back to bed. He referred us to hospital for tests, short version is that medically she seems ok but she’s being admitted for one night to get proper assessment of some neurology symptoms and for the older care team to see her.

Both the SW and the wonderful doctor at the hospital have given her a gentle talking to about her needing to accept more help and reconsideration of where she lives.

It seems we’re finally entering “the system”, which no doubt brings its own challenges but it means we’re not flailing around trying to work things out on our own. I’m feeling less overwhelmed already.

@EmmaAgain22 everyone was telling me about one home, relatives who had been there, friends who had relatives who lived there or worked there. The other home - silence. No-one had a bad word to say about but no-one was saying anything at all about it. Mum had a spell in both, the one recommended by all was good, the other was less than impressive (I'm not at all surprised that it was last assessed as "requires improvement")

@funnelfan hope others have answered your questions, in case not, you can just call in, or make an appt if they have vacancies. The local authority may be aware of vacancies- adult social care team. but look behind the brochure- see how many times the cinema/ coffee area etc is in use. Look at the activities/ menus.
@EmmaAgain22 I know when speaking to professionals ( gp/ social workers vicars etc…. ) They often won’t tell you which ones explicitly to avoid but direct you to which ones they’d look at….. a good question to ask was if you were looking for a place for your parent/ granny / aunt which ones would you look at?

Knot you say "listen to what's not being said". I wonder what you're thinking of?

Sorry, to be clear - they asked for two years proof of funds for what the doctors said would be a permanent place for dad, but you could see "permanent" wouldn't exceed two years. I am not sure how they factored in "if the LA get involved".

re eating alone - I wouldn't want the noise of others even if I could have a table to myself. I'm imagining the homes' main issue is staffing though - easier to have everyone in one place to serve food?

that said, dad wouldn't have eaten alone any night, between mum and me, I imagine one of us would be there evening, barring us getting ill. I'd have had to remove him if he'd lived to see lockdown (praise be that he didn't see that). Gave me nightmares thinking about that too.

mum's respite stay, I think there was one night she ate alone because me or sis, or a friend of hers, were there the other nights

she did go to a live entertainment event though, she liked that.

Eating alone at meal times isn’t something I’d have chosen for my DM. It’s still possible to have a table for one but be around others. That being said DMiL’s carehome posted 74 photos the other day of a lively entertainment event and she wasn’t in any of them. No surprises there.

The choice of homes was easy because I live in a village and "how's your mum?" was a conversational opening. As well as listening to what people tell you, listen to what's not being said. The lady in the co-op might say how good the food was in home A, that their neighbour's daughter had worked there for ten years and said (whatever)

I heard all the stories about home A but it took a while to register that no-one was talking about home B.

Best wishes to all of you who are moving mountains at the moment.

Thank you all so much for the warm welcome. Sorry for being MIA for a couple of days but as a music teacher/musician, this is a very busy time. I will take some time to read and reflect on the good advice you gave.

Sorry to those really struggling.

Oh NO chesterelly. I hope by now he's moved to a ward or at least had the scan.

Hello all. Another loop on the rollercoaster today. DF was discharged following his sepsis and c diff recurring. He was sick in hospital whilst we waited for his meds but the nurse put it down to his water being too cold. Anyhow he managed 3 hrs at home before we were calling an ambulance. Currently sat in a&e waiting for him to get ct scan. His stomach is very swollen and sore. More d&v. He's had morphine, blood pressure back through floor. DH and I had literally just had a conversation about how long before he'd be back in. I said before Christmas. Guess I won then.

Thanks @EmmaAgain22 that helps. I know mum would hate forced jollity and being wheeled into a lounge to take part in social events - she can only cope with one on one conversations these days, even just me and DB in the same room is too much for her. So a place that will let her stay in her room to eat, watch the tv or listen to the radio, or take her to sit in a garden (presuming she makes it to spring/summer), would be ideal.

we just want her to be comfortable, safe and have some dignity, with whatever time she has left.

funnel oh self funding is good.

what I found was you call them, they want proof of funds if it's expected to be permanent, I think they asked for two years proof for dad (he never made it there). They will meet the patient to see if they can meet their needs. They ask to see PoA I think.

with mum's respite - which I thought would turn permanent but it didn't - I had to pay up front.

we had a neighbour in a care home that I liked. One thing I disliked about another option for dad - when I asked if he could eat in is room, the manager kept robotically saying "well, he can if he REALLY must....but we would encourage him to eat with the others". He would have hated that, so would I. So I crossed them off the list.

so you might form an impression from what they tell you.

@thesandwich thanks, I’ll have a look for that. Sorry if this sounds a bit daft, but do you just ring them up and ask whether they have a vacancy? And can you come round and have a look?

@EmmaAgain22 Thankfully DB is staying with her this week so she’s safe but she took an alarming turn this morning and both of us now agree she can’t be left alone. She’s basically got old and very frail in body and mind. Speed of place is a priority at the moment - she has some modest savings plus the house so she’ll be self funding. I was thinking of asking the SW for help in finding respite care, and we could sell it to mum on the basis it would be temporary to start with until she got her strength and balance back. I think she’s crossed the line into not having capacity to make decisions on her health and welfare, which means I can activate the LPOA that I hold for her. Fingers crossed the SW will help with their assessment.

both DB and I live several hours away, in different directions. We’re also the squeezed sandwiches like so many on this thread. I’ve had an emotional couple of hours reading all the posts, identifying with so many situations. I can be thankful that DM is not as difficult personality wise as some of your parents, and that DB more than pulls his weight, and we both have supportive employers. But bloody hell it can be tough can’t it. Sending good thoughts to everyone here facing the final journey of their loved one.

Feel for lots of you right now.

True story but when DM’s first care home was force closed by Care Commission there were 11 in her wing who had three weeks to relocate. Despite all the problems, this was a tight little family who had been together for about a year with no one dying. There was immense relative scurrying to see if vacancies existed nearby. In those three weeks five of the group died one after the other. Literally, each elderly person just faded in their own way. This thread reminds me of that time. Just like a family connected by unusual circumstances but all in tune.

This thread and just being understood is a lifeline. Bless you all for being so kind

funnel sorry to hear that

how's she doing at the mo? Is it funding or speed of finding a place - you might want to ask for respite first?

sandwich oh dear, poor mum. Is the doctor doing a home visit?

Welcome @funnelfan plenty of room for all! Sorry to hear about your DM. There are a few threads on this board about looking at care homes- age uk I think do a checklist, go for recommendations if you can, judge by the staff, manager, how they interact with residents- smell, if residents look cared for and engaged, cqc report as a guide…
Big hugs for everyone on the long goodbyes. Dm had a fall last week, and seems confused again after one lot of anti bs. Fingers crossed doc visiting tomoz.
cockroach all

Hello, I’ve just discovered this thread and I hope you don’t mind me bagging a chair and pulling up at the table. I have been nodding away at the conversation about getting calories into our loved ones, regardless of whether we’d consider them “healthy” or not.

Sadly, it looks like my DM’s long, slow decline is accelerating. Over the last week she’s no longer safe to be left on her own at home and it looks like we’ll be trying to find residential care at short notice. If anyone has any hints or tips please do let me know.

We requested a social care assessment from her local authority in July, when she was starting to really struggle. She’s only just now been assigned a social worker and we’re meeting her for the first time tomorrow. It’s been a frustrating wait, but actually the timing is perfect because of her new sudden decline. My DB and are are a bit clueless and overwhelmed and hopefully the SW will be able to signpost to the services we need.

@OnthePiste I guess it's the time of year... I hope the best outcome happens for her.

Oh yes, hello, I think we talked on another thread.

I wasn't a drinker when dad was dying. This time, with mum in hospital, I had a hip flask, think I had vodka at 9am one time after zero sleep. It's good to have a drink.

Right....and where's the bloody light at the tunnel, I thought to myself.

Permanent and Badger I can only say I know what it's like. I wish I could say something more helpful.

Gosh there seem to be a few of us in the same boat. Dm (88) fell and broke her hip Sunday. Emergency hip replacement on Monday and by Tuesday she had pneumonia. Intravenous anti b's and oxygen administered but I had a call today from the doctor to say she is not responding. If by the end of the course there is no response then they shall be making her comfortable (his words).

I saw her yesterday and we had a few good chats, today she did not know who I was and was delirious. Who knows what tomorrow will bring.

Love and strength to all of you going through this will they/won't they time-wine helps

I've had a glass of wine so if you were within reach Badger you'd find yourself being hugged a lot. This step down, limp along, dip, rally, limp along, step down process is absolutely exhausting.