Cockroach Cafe 🪳Autumn 2022 🪳

Managed two visits to Dad today. 1st one was horrendous - he was agitated, confused and said he'd had no food or visitors for 3 days. By tea time, he was a bit better... he hadn't eaten all day but had managed some Fortesip. One of my DD's found a FB memory of him and I sat together 5 years ago and it broke my heart seeing how emaciated he is now because of the cancer.
My sister also causing issues, panicking to Dad's confusion and panic and causing more of it .. he's even more agitated now she's back visiting again after not seeing him for 10 days due to a cold.
Bittersweet day today, I can't decide if I'm happy he made this Christmas or almost wishing that he'd found peace by now. Happy Christmas, fellow Cockroaches.

The first time MIL wasin a care home it was for nearly 2 years after her stroke. Once she was able to sit in a wheelchair for more than short periods FIL used to take her to the pub iver the road, on outings and walks or to sit in the garden at home. For a long while she used to sleep for about 48 hours after an outing. He used to have his lunch and evening meals there too. Most days he was there for 10-12 hours and only had breakfast at home.

Blimey @ChiefFinderOuter. I'd be quite tempted to do a head tilt there and say 'oh in your country people must have to move into care homes while they're still doing very well, what a shame'

I think unless she is caring for her own elders or running a care home, she may have a rather vague picture of what they're really like in her country.

I’m sorry @Lightuptheroom . I sometimes look at my dm and don’t recognise her, and the way she’s behaving. And then I wonder if she’s changed or if I just didn’t see it before.

Lots of people think that about doing more. I try to remind myself that I don’t see them doing it.

Thank you...sorry you broke a bit though.

I find I can say stuff here that no one finds acceptable IRL, or the people I know doing really full on care are just fine with it and then I think I'm a weirdo.

I think the weight of expectation is a factor....mum's friends seem to think we should do more.

Well.. dad's catheter fell out last night, according to mum this means he's definitely useless and she wants to kill him (insert inappropriate expletives)
Rang her just now , she's fed up, pissed off, her mouth is sore (she has massive dental problems but refuses to see a dentist) We messed up last week and my sister ended up with dads hearing aid batteries.. she's taking them to him tomorrow, apparently an apology doesn't cut it and 'we should try living with 'it''

@EmmaAgain22 I hope that for you too. I’m a bit of a lurker on here but Ive been reading your posts and what you’ve written reminds me a lot of me 6 months ago. Honestly, I broke a bit. Look after yourself. I read somewhere at the time ‘you are not required to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm’. I think it’s pretty accurate, and I remind myself of that now daily.

I'm going to guess this is a country where the majority are in private care homes?

you could book a little area for family meals in mum's respite care place, but most of the residents we saw would struggle on a day out.

selfishly, I am really hoping nothing goes wrong so I can just go home tomorrow and stay put for a week. The cooker's bust, the car sale has been delayed....couple of other things mum is really stressed about.

interestingly, she wants to go to her hospital appointment alone, either me or sis are free to take her but she says no.

I understand she wants to go alone so that's fine with me and I think it's not a useful appointment where it's worth making notes.

if I get a wish today, it's life be made easier for all of us dealing with olds!

No idea. I had to bite my tongue before I got as far as asking. Apparently their care homes are far more welcoming places where people go and share family meals and pop in and take their relatives out for the day. Charitably, I’m not sure she’s seen him awake in about 6 months.

I think your judgement is spot on.

what does she mean by "come and go" anyway? Confused.

Cockroach all. I am hiding in the kitchen, avoiding my Mum telling all and sundry all about the gory details of my dad’s late stage dementia, and my sister in law wondering wide eyed about why care homes here aren’t like in her country where ‘they just come and go! Why doesn’t he ever leave?’. Well, he’s doubly incontinent, delirious a lot of the time, and in a wheel chair, having had two brain bleeds. You knock yourself out love, take him to the sea side for the day, we’re all just too lazy, clearly.
I might be slightly drunk.

We just did a WhatsApp video call to DS2 and DIL who are at her parents where they live in Finland. DH passed mum the phone and she asked DS if he has a girlfriend 😱. We had to retreat to the kitchen before we collapsed in hysterics.

I need gin! Can't have a drink until after I've been to the horse. Thinking of running a sweep on how many times mum's going to ask DSs partner what her job is. They only arrived at 1 and we are already well into double figures. She just had a panic about were "everyone else" has gone and whether the person who brought her has left without her. No one has left and I fetched her.

Best wishes for Christmas everyone. Badger I particularly feel for you, that's awful. I hope tomorrow is less distressing.

Hello all, sending very good wishes to everyone here- thank you for all your support, and hope you can all find a piece of joy.

I find other people's rants very reassuring because you realise you're not the only one who questions their sanity on a daily basis

I realised the other day that babies don't come with instruction manuals and you spend your parenting years feeling that you're getting it all wrong... your kids fly the nest and then your parents start playing you up and they don't come with instruction manuals either!

Thank you.
In the grand scheme of things I know I'm lucky.
Life is just a bit more tense with my DH working from home now and therefore being home with mum all the time.
They rub each other up the wrong way.

Mum is very stubborn 85yr old. She fixates on things and nags until they're done but then complains we haven't done it right.

We normally host family but everyone is busy this year so it's just us and mum didn't think we should bother with a turkey so brought some frozen turkey things that my child can't eat because of allergies.
Didn't even discuss it with me- I normally do all the shopping and cooking except for Christmas when it's her thing.
The disparity with how we are treated to other family is more and more obvious.

She'll go out of her way to stock up with food and make breakfast etc when other are here but can't even get my child's allergies right when we live together. Oh she can have soothing else. Didn't see an issue at all with my teenager having to cook herself something separately to the rest of us for Christmas lunch!

As much as family drive me nuts when they stay, treating the house like a hotel and eating us out of house and home without ever contributing anything. Christmas doesn't feel right without everyone here.

The whole cockroach experience is about rants and sadness. I'm never far from a rant myself. In fact I type one out most days, but don't post it, for fear it might be identifiable. As if everyone here wouldn't recognise something of themselves in the frustration, the sense of unfairness, the bloody-minded stupidity of other family members, the exhaustion and the fear that somehow we aren't doing enough.
Other people's rants make me feel better.

I came to have a bit of a rant but the tone of posts tonight doesn't feel appropriate.

Just really struggling with living with mum mum right now

@OnthePiste that's so sad. We were allowed to visit dad when he was dying ona covid ward in January so I hope they have some compassion. Strictly it was 2 visitors only, same 2 every time, but the lovely ward clerk said "well your mum has alzheimer's so needs a carer to accompany her and maybe the same carer can't come each time" so all 3 of us were able to say goodbye.

As if things could get worse, DM's ward is closed due to a Covid infection. They didn't call me, I drove over and was refused entry. Really not sure if I well ever see her again, she's sleeping most of the time, not eating and pretty unresponsive. Not the news I wanted on Christmas Eve. Sorry to hear your news @Badger1970 your poor dad (and you)

Badger oh dear. Maybe I'm thick but I thought a hospice would have a doctor all the time?

our healthcare provision is odd.

and they still want to move him to a nursing home? Have you seen any notes or anything?

Sean lots of people seem to find homes much better than they think, I hope that happens for your mum.

IoW oh dear, hope there's not too many jobs. Is your mum another who won't get paid help?

our oven has packed up, mum says she will call repair people herself.

Bad day yesterday, no phone call as promised from hospice and no Dr on duty by the time I got to visit. He was told alone that he's being moved to a nursing home, and by the evening he had chest pains and was crying in his chair. I'm 52 and have never seen my Dad cry before.

Sending everyone a very large glass of festive tipple . I had half a pint of Baileys last night I was in such a state. My blood sugars were rather high as a result this morning

I'm not officially working over Christmas but we are heading to DM's for the weekend. She has prepared a long list of jobs for me so I'll be set to work as soon as we arrive. I'm going to deploy the usual tactic of a couple of glasses of sherry - she usually chills out a bit then!
Dad died just before Christmas last year so last year we were all slightly in shock. This time feels like the reality of Christmas without him so I'm expecting it's going to be a bit bumpy.
Best wishes to all cockroaches and Cinderellas with big hugs (and virtual sherry) to anyone that needs them this weekend!