I feel a bit silly writing this but since dad died recently I'm tormented by one thought. My head tells me it's irrational, but still I keep worrying about it.
He went into a care home with dementia and declined fairly rapidly as various age-related problems (gradual organ failure) got the better of him. During that time, I visited him weekly and told him how much I loved him. The great thing is that I knew he knew it, and we had lots of hugs, and he told me how much he loved me, and I knew he knew that I knew that... etc etc, you get the picture!
However, I was abroad on holiday when he finally died. He'd been started on IV morphine as part of the end-of-life care pathway, and was unresponsive for a day or so before drawing his last breath.
I kept wondering if it would make any difference to phone him up and just say a few words (with someone else holding the phone, obviously; and not expecting any response from him!). I didn't, because I felt we'd already said all our goodbyes, etc etc etc...
But knowing what joy it used to bring him to hear my voice on the phone, now that he's gone I keep fretting over whether I should just have made that call. What if he was lonely and wondering if I'd forgotten him? What if my voice could have given him some reassurance right towards the end?
I keep telling myself that IV morphine is a strong drug and he was probably floating on happy clouds at the time. Can anyone reassure me? Sorry to sound like a little girl, I just feel like one all of a sudden.