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Elderly parents
Original poster

How do you deal with emotional blackmail?

41 replies

EmotionalBlackmail · 30/08/2022 12:07

NC for this.
My Mum (late 70s) was admitted to hospital recently. There was little I could do to help - I live more than 2 hours away, can't currently drive that distance (medical problem), didn't know how to disable her burglar alarm so couldn't get anything from her house anyway, hospital not allowing visitors so wouldn't have been able to see her.

But apparently I should have been there sitting around at the hospital waiting for something to happen on the off chance she could go home? I've talked to her previously about someone local having a key or using a key safe. She hasn't done either. I've talked about my travel limitations and my job (I work full time and have a child - I can't just drop everything).

She has local friends who aren't working and who don't have family responsibilities who can help. But apparently it's my responsibility?! My work's attitude is that compassionate leave is for a death or very serious illness and is for a day or two. Where there are friends and relatives able to provide support then they don't grant compassionate leave.

Anyone else had to deal with managing expectations of elderly parents about what you can and can't do?!

OP posts:
BlueBlueCowWondering · 30/08/2022 16:49

Wombat27A · 30/08/2022 16:36

It doesn't work like this for some people.

It offends their "natural order" where the the man goes out to work, woman does housework & caring. They look at any different arrangement as an affront.

I've been recommending Annalisa Barbieri's podcast on management of difficult older rellies to all my friends with awkward people.

Not ones affected by dementia tho, that nerds different strategies...

Thanks @Wombat27A for the podcast recommendation It looks really interesting

IncompleteSenten · 30/08/2022 16:44

I cope by seeing straight through her and not giving a shit.

Try it.
It's liberating.

ValerieDoonican · 30/08/2022 16:40

There was someone in our family like this a few generations back, nasty and judgemental about one of her children's life choices. Direct consequence was , her child emigrated far far away, and she hardly - or possibly never - saw him or her grandchildren after that.

ValerieDoonican · 30/08/2022 16:37

Of course you should want your children to be happy. I can see no sense whatsoever in "disliking" your children's choice of home/job/spouse etch unless its making them unhappy (or is profoundly unethical, I suppose!).

Clearly none of these caveats apply here (you're not an arms trader are you?? 🤣) so by "disliking" your choices she is just being inflexible, and making herself unhappy for no good reason.

Wombat27A · 30/08/2022 16:36

Needs.

Wombat27A · 30/08/2022 16:36

It doesn't work like this for some people.

It offends their "natural order" where the the man goes out to work, woman does housework & caring. They look at any different arrangement as an affront.

I've been recommending Annalisa Barbieri's podcast on management of difficult older rellies to all my friends with awkward people.

Not ones affected by dementia tho, that nerds different strategies...

Original poster
EmotionalBlackmail · 30/08/2022 16:26

Thank you - this all helps. It was really getting to me.

No, not farmers or rural but very working class. I can remember elderly relatives (now dead) equating going into a care home with being put in the workhouse!

The lockdowns were fantastic from this POV as we couldn't see her and had two Xmases without her. It was such a different experience.

My Mum hates my job and has moaned about it ever since I got it. There have been snide comments every time I've spoken to her. I've worked really hard to achieve this and the qualifications necessary to get there and my lovely DH is so supportive but she doesn't approve of my lifestyle or of him (she slags him off to her friends, although she doesn't know I'm aware of this). Surely you should want your children to be happy?!

OP posts:
Mum5net · 30/08/2022 15:26

Keep your distance. Make yourself unavailable to her. She’ll only get the message if you stick to your guns. it’s honestly that simple. People on this thread will give you support if you find the strength to be unavailable.
She’s obviously got worse since you last put in boundaries … so OP there is only one direction this will take. The ball is in your court. You have your own life.

ValerieDoonican · 30/08/2022 15:20

No advice, but remember that unless she is well into cognitive decline, she can understand your situation perfectly clearly but is choosing ro ignore it - I suppose she may think you are unreasonable to have a full time job and be the breadwinner.

But I would:

Be selective about when I answer the phone;

Answer "you know I can't do that Mum" on repeat and don't get drawn into a discussion

Worst comes to the worst and you still can't extricate yourself say "Ill ask Jim (brother) what he thinks/tell Jim OK bye now take care" and hang up without drawing breath.

EL8888 · 30/08/2022 15:15

Another vote for firmer and higher boundaries. I noticed that she’s not a fan of doing things she doesn’t want to do but expects you to do a lot of stuff you don’t want to do e.g. she doesn’t want to include your brother, won’t ask friends for help etc. Despite you working full time, having your own children. She won’t like this but it’s just the way things are and l wouldn’t get into a debate about it

Wombat27A · 30/08/2022 15:12

Are you farmers or rural as that sounds standard?

My DM has finally worked out after 29 years of expecting a servant to arrive that she does have to sort something herself. Ironically, I'm only off the hook as my mil is demented, so she's thinks I need to go look after her...

Original poster
EmotionalBlackmail · 30/08/2022 12:51

Thank you, this is really reassuring! I had read up on FOG a while ago as she's always been difficult/nasty and has been getting worse as she ages - I had to implement some boundaries a while back to protect my family (DH and DD) from her.

In previous generations women in my family stopped work to care for elderly parents (in some cases didn't pursue marriage or a long term relationship!) or had part time pin money type jobs and lived close to the family member. Even if I wanted to (I don't!) I couldn't do this - I'm the main breadwinner. Just wish she could accept this Confused

OP posts:
Wombat27A · 30/08/2022 12:21

Include your brother in all communications and agree a plan to manage expectations.

Basically, you have to be brutal. No point beating about the bush. She's an adult, even if she's behaving like a toddler.

I have my entire share of fear, obligation and guilt...so I don't say any of this lightly.

Original poster
EmotionalBlackmail · 30/08/2022 12:19

She knows how to shop on Amazon so could probably handle an online shop but wouldn't want to(!).

OP posts:
Original poster
EmotionalBlackmail · 30/08/2022 12:16

It's really hard to tell. She's telling me and my brother different things (she doesn't like to bother him Hmm) and different things again to her friends - I'm in direct contact with one of them.

She doesn't like "putting other people" out including her friends so won't ask them for things, even though they're much better placed eg she wouldn't ask the nurses on the ward if anyone had a compatible phone charger as they're so busy, but it was fine to expect me to take an entire day to do a return trip to look for hers (I wouldn't have been able to get into her house anyway!).

She chose to move close to all of her friends instead of moving to be near to my brother or me.

OP posts:
HappyHamsters · 30/08/2022 12:10

Thats frustrating, she needs to sort out a keysafe, online shopping, maybe getting outside help if she needs it, its not her neighbours responsibility either. What help do you think she might n33d, she can discuss this with the nurse or social worker.