I have to move my mum into a new care home, what do I tell her?

I had to move my 84 year old dad last year as he was asked to leave the care home he was in due to safeguarding. He had dementia and had attacked someone. I asked his gp to prescribe something ( I think it was temazepan) as I had a 40 min drive. I moved him myself. He’d totally forgotten what cars and roads etc are so it was actually quite a funny experience for me and thankfully an exciting one for him! It was hard work though and I hope it goes well for you.

When MIL had to go into a home (she had dementia) she spent the first 2 weeks yelling that she'd been kidnapped because her DS and DIL were crooks who were just after her money.
The staff laughed it off - they were used to this.
We didn't visit much initially, then it wore off.
It's tough OP but it will get better.

Absolutely put your DM out of your head for next few days and let her settle in. Don’t even phone. Let her get in with it.
You will get through your workday. You have a network of people routing for you. It will improve.

Please try to put your mum out of your mind for today. And also let your boss know what you e been going through!
Just take care of yourself x

@Mxflamingnoravera How did the move go? How are you feeling?

Just sending some good wishes to you and saying a brand new care home and new facilities are actually more like a hotel than anything else. If she gets easily bored then a place with new people excited to begin new jobs will undoubtedly give her a new vibe. My DM was the first resident in her care home - there for three days before anyone else. I can’t begin to tell you how she thrived that first week. The chef was preparing her favourite meals and baking . So enjoy that honeymoon period!

I'm afraid I didn't warn my Mum with dementia at all when moving care homes.

Just turned up with a distracting bag of M and S lunch treats and only mentioned the fact she was moving on the way.

Saved her so much anxiety.

Nightmare if you can't currently drive, sciatica is so painful x

Stay somewhere else until the works/ plumbing/ whatever are completed

In my area there's a service called Handy Help from Age UK that is a man and a van who will move stuff, try Googling Age UK in your area to see if they have that service. Also there is a volunteer taxi service that only charge nominal fee/costs, or a wheelchair taxi will wheel her into it and out the other end without you having to do anything.

My MIL was in a dementia specialist homme. You're doing the right thing by moving your mum to one. Staff that are specially trained and an environment designed for confused people makes all the difference. My mum was in a ' normal' care home and the care of those with dementia was half hearted and clueless.

A taxi for your mum and a man with a small van for her stuff of the way to go. But if you're only talking clothes and trinkets as her possessions, then those big checked zipped laundry bags would fit in a taxi with you both.

I hope it works out for you. You can hire wheelchairs/walkers from the Red Cross if that helps and many local authorities have a ring and ride wheelchair transport service. The best advice we had was that when you’re talking with someone with dementia is to go to the world that they’re inhabiting rather than constantly trying to bring them back to the real world. So if they think that their Husband is still alive you don’t upset them by telling them he died years so, you just agree. It’s much less stressful for them. I really hope you manage the move seamlessly and your Mum is happy in her new home.

Being honest isn’t always best though as it can cause more distress.
I listened to a R4 programme about dementia and one lady they interviewed said the only way to get her mum to the doctors was to tell her they were going on a flight because she used to love to travel. They would tell her the doctor had to check she was fit to fly then unfortunately the “flight” was cancelled after having been seen.
No one got distressed or upset and it was all about using the reference point of the dementia sufferer. The lady in that case associated waiting with airports.

I would just tell her she’s moving into a new home. However you word it she’s going to be unsettled. Being honest with her is best.
regarding the actual moving, you can hire wheelchairs from various places, and book a black cab that has wheelchair access.
this place does daily wheelchair hire www.bristolshopmobility.co.uk/daily-hire.html
and here’s the details for wheelchair accessible taxis in your area. www.bristoltaxihire.co.uk/services/wheelchair-taxis/
I would also contact the current care home to let them know you may not be able to organise moving on Wednesday.

Another vote for a GP review to consider medication, if she's so anxious that she's unsafe.

I know I'm not an expert but the undermedication of huge distress and anxiety in older people bugs me hugely. My mum was in so much distress before and now isn't.

Whatever explanation you give will probably 'slip' later but I would just emphasise that you think it's safe and a better place to stay. I don't know where you are Mx but where I am and where my DM is, you can book something called either hospital transport or patient transport which is council-run and is basically a souped-up minibus with trained driver, they have been very nice. Care homes can usually book them but I've been able to book myself via the council.

We told my mother that they were going for respite care. The first few days she asked often when she was going home.

A week later, she was convinced that she was on a cruise. We think it might have been because it was fine weather and she was wheeled outside in a bath chair, not unlike the kind of steamer chairs found on deck.

Hope your mothers move goes equally well.

It's a good idea to prepare yourself for questions about going home you you don't find yourself blurting something out ...

We used those giant laundry bags to pack up stuff. Neither care home would help with transport.
got a man with van to deal with furniture and bags and a lovely disabled black cab (London) who had a wheelchair to transport. Used him again to pick up DM and a carer to come to a wedding and take them back again.
None of this was with the help of the care home. We asked the carers who wanted to do it on their day off for extra cash

Have you discussed the anxiety and delusions with her GP? Does she take anything to calm her? My nan was extremely anxious and phoning constantly to check on my mums welfare. Her GP gave her a mild sedative. Not to make her drowsy or sleep, but just to take the edge off enough that she wasn't constantly fretting and in panic mode. This might ease things on moving day.

I'd ask the homes how they normally transfer patients to other care facilities? The red cross might be able to help with an extra pair of hands or to borrow a wheelchair.

www.redcross.org.uk/get-help