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Elderly parents

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Original poster

Grieving father just tried to take his own life

37 replies

ItsAllUptoUsNow · 19/08/2022 18:57

I've NC'd for this as I'm on here a lot and I've included a lot of information. I should also warn that this is a long and uneasy read, but I'm in an extremely difficult situation with my dad.

My elderly mum died peacefully of natural causes in early July, after a very long and happy life, with her children and grandchildren always around her.

She'd had increasing health and mobility issues over the last five years and my dad was her main carer, with me making their evening meals most nights, as we live very nearby with our teen DCs, so saw and continue to see him a lot each week. My sister also comes to stay with him all the time now as they're particularly close.

We're abroad currently and my sister phoned me in tears from her home town yesterday morning to say she'd received an email from my dad, sent late the night before, explaining that he was going to take his own life that night and the reasons why. She immediately called the police and drove to his house, to find they had had to break the door down and found him unconscious but alive, [method redacted by MNHQ].

I offered to fly home but she said it would over-complicate things as her partner is supporting her. My dad has today been sent home from hospital and miraculously seems ok, but he's furious with my sister for preventing his passing and is talking about trying again soon.

He's a very bright, pragmatic and unemotional person and just doesn't see the point now in going on with his life, so I'm facing a truly horrible situation on our return - potentially finding him in the next week or so in a new and better attempt that my teen DCs may also witness as we're at his house a lot.

I just don't know what to do next and just wondered if anyone could offer advice or has been in a similar situation. We really thought things were looking positive when we went abroad (we're back this Sunday) as he's been managing to get out and do things for himself that he's really been unable to do for the last five years, but sadly it's not the case.

Apologies for such a long post!

OP posts:
Mortonpup · 19/08/2022 19:39

@FatAgainItsLettuceTime I'm sorry you went through this. It's awful
I agree that if OP's father is of sound enough mind to be spoken to about the impact of such actions on you and your children that it may be worth the horrible conversation (not instead of also referring him to services and your support of course). Hugs

Original poster
ItsAllUptoUsNow · 19/08/2022 19:38

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 19/08/2022 19:31

I am so sorry you're going through this.

I think that honestly if he is determined then he will do it, he just now knows to not send any communications before hand so you need to protect your teen children and ensure that they do not go to his house without you and that you go in first. And I appreciate how horrible that is and how difficult it is to think like that.

I lost my mum when I was 21 to suicide, my younger teenage brother found her and it is something that will never leave him.

If there are opportunities for you to try to engage him in any activities that may provide new friendships or drive then seek those out and try to get him involved.

I'm so, so sorry you went through this. So many of my friends have lost loved ones too soon, and it almost made me feel guilty for the grief I'm going through with my mum, and now with my dad.

It really is the circle of life that you can never anticipate until it happens.

OP posts:
FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 19/08/2022 19:31

I am so sorry you're going through this.

I think that honestly if he is determined then he will do it, he just now knows to not send any communications before hand so you need to protect your teen children and ensure that they do not go to his house without you and that you go in first. And I appreciate how horrible that is and how difficult it is to think like that.

I lost my mum when I was 21 to suicide, my younger teenage brother found her and it is something that will never leave him.

If there are opportunities for you to try to engage him in any activities that may provide new friendships or drive then seek those out and try to get him involved.

Original poster
ItsAllUptoUsNow · 19/08/2022 19:30

Amandasummers · 19/08/2022 19:18

Offering support to you op but no words fo advise, situations like this are difficult and I'm a believer that everyone should have a choice so I don't think my opinion would be wanted or of any comfort

Exactly. It's his choice, but boy it's a biggie and something you never anticipate having to deal with in your own life until it happens.

He's had a really great life, truly, but the end is the end. My sister has even looked into Dignitas in Switzerland, but even they seem to (it's not entirely clear) stipulate that you need to prove you have a terminal physical or mental condition that's deteriorating and it not be for 'selfish reasons' which sadly I think his would be classed as.

OP posts:
DontKeepTheFaith · 19/08/2022 19:22

That’s very sad. I’m genuinely surprised he was discharged from hospital without mental health admission being offered and Mental health act assessment if he declined.

He is obviously grieving and it sounds like he is still actively suicidal, he needs professional support. I’m an RMN in older mental health and this would absolutely be grounds for inpatient care.

He does need urgent assessment and they need to know he is still planning to end his life.

RudsyFarmer · 19/08/2022 19:21

I think you should support him whilst also understanding his reasons and trying not to judge him for having had enough.

i wonder if you could reach out to local widow/widower groups? They were a lifeline to my Mum. Also the local church. Even if he wasn’t a parishioner I wonder if they might be able to support him in some way?

Amandasummers · 19/08/2022 19:18

Offering support to you op but no words fo advise, situations like this are difficult and I'm a believer that everyone should have a choice so I don't think my opinion would be wanted or of any comfort

MNHQ
NadineMumsnet · 19/08/2022 19:16

Hi OP, we just wanted to let you know that we've edited your post slightly as we don't allow suicide methods to be detailed on the boards. Wishing you all the best Flowers

warriorathena · 19/08/2022 19:09

Assuming he was assessed by the mental health team in hospital? Did he tell them his intentions to end his own life again? He needs urgent support from GP and community psychiatric services. They need to be made aware of his intentions straight away. It is possible to section someone under the mental health act if the are denned a risk to themselves

Ilikewinter · 19/08/2022 19:08

Op thats awful im so sorry, have the hospital refered him to any support groups at all?

Original poster
ItsAllUptoUsNow · 19/08/2022 19:03

We leave for home tomorrow morning anyway and my sister and partner are currently with him, but they leave for London on Monday so it will be down to me and my DH.

OP posts:
coodawoodashooda · 19/08/2022 18:58

That sounds absolutely horrific. I am so very, very sorry. I would go home if I was you. Or could you get him to go to you?