Grieving father just tried to take his own life

Oh goodness, I'm so sorry! It's such early days of grief that I think it's 100% natural to feel that way especially after spending a lifetime together. As your mum's carer, he might feel he's lost his 'purpose' too. However, anyone who's been through grief knows that those horrendous, overwhelming feelings at the start, do begin to settle a little as the months go on. Of course everyone is different, but the feelings do change shape with the process of time.

Sounds as though your dad needs urgent mental health support but also if your dad is mobile and fit enough, would getting him a dog or a pet help? Having the routine of daily walks and something else to care for can be a game changer for many people. Also, while he's in this crisis, could he move in with one of you? Although it sounds like he's got lots of family support, this might help with any feelings of isolation when he's alone.

I hope you're able to get the support you need!

As a widow of suicide and one who knows many others (particularly women and children) who have likewise been abandoned and traumatised by people (quite often men) giving up on their lives, I completely disagree that there is no moral issue to be discussed about suicide and whether people have a duty to see things through. The desire to be empathetic at all costs means we have gone full circle and now we have 'angel of death' mentality which is more likely to 'enable' the suicide than dissuade - you are a prime example of people who think like this. Noone has to 'listen without judgement' - this is utter garbagespeak, they are free to make judgements on people's behaviour just like anyone. The man is a Father and Grandfather and just because he cannot comprehend his life without his wife and writes himself off due to age doesn't make his decisions right.

Listen to his problems yes, but feeling like you are not allowed to present a 'moral' debate about suicide and the impact on others and society to those who wish to die, is oppressive nonsense and enables the person who is threatening to harm themself at the cost of everyone else's wellbeing.

His life might not technically have much meaning, but heck, plenty of us could see the world through that lens. Suicide leaves a devastating legacy. This man is grieving and not terminally ill and should be helped to value his life.

It is not "wrong" to wish to die by suicide, and it has not been a criminal offence for over 60 years. Each of us as an individual is free to make our own choices. All the family can do is listen without judgement - trying to guilt trip someone about the impact on others is not the way to approach this. This gentleman needs to be respected and listened to.

Well both. I was referring to professional care there, but care and kindness and warmth from the family is fundamental.

Oh how awful for you all and I'm sorry to hear of the loss of your mum which you will undoubtedly still be grieving for. Naturally.
Did he receive any care at the hospital re counselling or support of any kind?
Take care

Different scenario: your father had a terminal illness. OP’s father does not he is simply currently wracked with grief.

I have seen elderly people go through this phase after the death of a spouse and come out the other side. His wife has only been dead a month.

Decisions made in the depth of grief and sorrow may not necessarily reflect his whole heart and mind. That’s why it’s important he gets proper care now.

I agree entirely with Carohart. But I do think some older people should be able to choose when to end their own lives. I’m sorry your dad feels like this. Just prepare yourself as he might succeed next time. I’d keep the entire situation a secret from your children as much as possible though.

I do not agree that people who no longer wish to live are mentally ill and need intervention. My regrets are that there is no option for your dad to talk openly to you all about his wishes and have your love and support without being made to feel guilty or selfish. It must be hard for him to know his choices and current legislation in the U.K. will mean members of his family finding him unexpectedly.

Michaelmonstera - thank you for this post. It’s so important to hear of these situations for people who cannot possibly imagine it. People live through conditions we wouldn’t put a dog through. And it’s so patronising to suggest what they need is therapy.

Im going to add a thought or view that may not be relevant or welcome so please ignore it and no offence intended.

When I have watched people struggle with terminal illness and then attend their funerals I've stated openly that if I ever find myself facing the end my wishes are to host a 'living funeral' as it seems such a wasted opportunity to have so many loved ones gathered in one place and to miss it.

Would it be worth taking his wishes seriously and offer him the option of such an event (admittedly if he's deeply depressed and grieving this might not be something he would welcome). But maybe seeing people and being told how much he means to each of them semi-formally might make him see his life and continuing to be alive is of value to people.
And if such an event doesn't sway him at least he will have the opportunity to say a proper goodbye before he carries out his wishes to exit this mortal coil.

I am so sorry this is happening to your dad and to your family. It's a living nightmare.

My teen has been suicidal recently and was provided with very little in the way of mental health support. It's the NHS in crisis.

I do not wish to be rude about your father but he is giving up and it is wrong. His life will be difficult but the legacy he would leave for his Grandchildren is that it is alright to give up when things are bad

I couldn’t disagree more. My elderly father took his own life earlier this year under different circumstances. He had had a neurodegenerative disorder for some years and his quality of life was diminishing - he was aware that he was likely to experience significant cognitive decline and a total loss of independence. He had an Advance Decision to Refuse Treatment in place for several years, so this was not a sudden decision, but he had been experiencing difficulty swallowing, resulting in choking, so made his own decision. As his daughter, I feel that my father made a rational choice and I’m sorry that the laws in this country meant that he had to do this on his own and without support.

Coincidentally, my children’s paternal grandfather had a very similar neurodegenerative condition.He died bedridden, not recognising his own family and my children describe his last year as an existence rather than a life. I don’t think they learnt anything positive from the experience. Both of my children feel that my father made a logical choice for him (obviously many other people would not wish to make the same decision and that is fine too). My father’s family are grieving, but we are not traumatised.

I am not sure why people think that quantity of life supersedes quality of life in the very elderly or the terminally ill who wish to end their suffering. Suicide in the young and healthy is very different in my opinion and it is a scandal that mental health services are so underfunded that people feel that taking their own life is their only option

This.

OP I am so sorry to hear of the pain your family is going through.

I’m sorry but I really don’t agree in this case that your dad is making a rational Choice from what you have written . He is grieving and it is not unusual for people to feel hopeless and desperate but he needs support and treatment to get through it. He has children, maybe grandchildren, there is hope for him to recover and enjoy his family and he deserves that chance.

I’m a pragmatist, I know we can’t save everybody even though that’s entirely expected of mental health services but it makes me sad that suicide is somehow seen as more acceptable because someone is older. There is still treatment and good hope for recovery with the right support💐

@excitingusername agree with this entirely

Talk to him. Just talk to him. He needs to feel heard and also so do you. You can’t stop anyone doing this sort of thing but if you can get to the bottom of it and it happens anyway you may have more understanding than those who never found out why or how. Or you can remind him of reasons he is valued and loved and important and essential to you. And if that doesn’t stop him, he’ll know that for sure anyway.

if he is currently actively suicidal (has plans), you can contact crisis team (emergency mental health) or a&e. If he is thinking that there is no point and feeling down - you can go to gp. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I hope he manages to get help.

This is deeply sad, and he is obviously in great pain. Perhaps you could sit down with him, and say how much you appreciate his suffering, but point out that killing himself is essentially passing on the pain that he can't tolerate to you, his children and grandchildren. It is ultimately saying that life without his wife is too hard for him to contemplate, but he wants you, your sister and his grandchildren to inherit the pain of his grief as well as their own. This sometimes gives perspective to potential suicides. However, if he is determined to go ahead and kill himself, there is little you can do to stop him. Just tell him he needs to inform the police or somebody (not family) where and when he can be found, so that your poor children don't have to carry that trauma for the rest of their lives as well. It sounds harsh, but the reality of suicide is very painful and traumatizing. I hope he gets some perspective and embraces the rest of his life as much as he can.

I am so sorry about what you're going through. You need to talk to him about the legacy and despair and specifically trauma suicide leaves for other people. You are asking him to live for others and that's the truth. You need to remind him he is a valued and loved father and that his life and presence still matters. However, if he believes in euthanasia he is likely to not understand.

Unfortunately we have come round to the non-condemnation of suicide and this is the result. A defeatist and devastating acceptance of 'personal choice', never mind the impact on family, society etc. This is where the logic leads us.

I do not wish to be rude about your father but he is giving up and it is wrong. His life will be difficult but the legacy he would leave for his Grandchildren is that it is alright to give up when things are bad.

I’m not sure what to say here.

Firstly, op, I’m sad for your loss and for what you and your family are going through now.

you say your mum had a long and happy life, how old is Dad?

I’m not in the situation myself but I know your dad is not just grieving to consider that step. And as awful as it sounds, bearing in mind the circumstances, living needing massive mental health support to stop you taking your own life seems as cruel as continuing life support when someone will have no quality of life.

If he is set on this, there need to be some big conversations about practicalities, and he must know, if he calls and tells someone what he’s done, then it changes everything.

what an horrific time for you all xxx

I’m so sorry. This sounds very difficult.

I think you need a few plans: a plan to get him medical / mental health help; a plan to help him find more meaning in life (E.g. social, hobbies, nature, a pet); a plan to protect your children from the risk they will find him if he ends his life; a plan for you and your sister and other family to find support in dealing with this.

I’m sorry

I meant to say I’m really sorry to hear about your mum, that’s very sad.

You really can’t tell. He might be determined now but with timely intervention change his mind.

I would phone his GP first thing in the morning and tell them he is intending to end his life. He needs urgent assessment/intervention. If you cannot get to speak to a GP tomorrow then phone the Crisis team directly - Google for the number in your area.