Struggling to realise,that I can't have a normal chat with my mum

Second this - absolutely loolah once you add in UTI

Bizzey, has she been checked for a UTI? If she is a bit more bonkers than usual and is also sweating, maybe a UTI could be to blame. UTI combined with dementia = batshit.

bizzey thanks 🤗Yes, I know what you mean, I've stopped talking to people about it. Of course I'm lucky to have her but I often feel like she's the tranquil swan sailing along on the surface and I'm the legs and webbed feet flailing away underneath.

This board has been so great (many thanks to you all), I came here a few times during lockdown and in the depths of covid when she was staying with us (for 9mos!). Feel free to have a vent yourself 💝

Do you think the sweating buckets thing could be because there's so much news about the heat and wants to say something relevant? My mum told me a story about Kim Kardashian's DP the other day. She has never watched the Kardashians and I reckon neither of us could pick out any of them (maybe Kim and Kris Jenner) in a lineup, I asked about it and she said she reads the celeb gossip mags. I think she wants to show she's paying attention.

Maybe you're right, I feel like an arsehole for finding it irritating and I miss who she was. Like OP says there's loads more to say, I don't want to derail the thread.

The effort of being patient and nice is hard and the whole situation is very isolating so I'm guilty of venting here.

She’s probably doing less harm to her back weeding than slumped on a sofa.

OP I feel for you. The parent-child relationship is so complex already, this must be very painful.

My mum (81) is relatively functional and 'normal' and that can make it harder to cut her some slack for the odd things she sometimes says/does. Yesterday we were talking with some friends about hearing loss and she said 'You told me if I didn't get a hearing aid you'd never speak to me again!' which is untrue. It caught me off guard and I thought she was joking and would move on but she kept insisting I had actually said it. I didn't know how to reply except to say 'I would never say that' which I think wasn't the right thing.

I'm ashamed to say I'm secretly fuming a lot of the time, which competes with the loving feelings that I also have. I feel sort of abandoned and like she's not trying hard enough, which I know is unreasonable when applied to age-related phenomena but does reflect some other aspects of our relationship.

Currently fuming about her weeding despite currently suffering with a bad back (which is now the main topic of conversation: woe is me I can't do anything at all and must sit on the sofa all day) and leaving the weeds in piles like dirty socks for me to collect when I do the gardening. I couldn't figure out where these piles of dead plants were coming from. Has seen the GP and is on meds for back, dragging heels about ringing a physio, loads of drama every time I encourage her to take a gentle walk with me to keep her back from seizing up but in the meantime she's out there fucking weeding.

My MIL has been like that for the 36 years I have known her - since her early 60s. It wasn’t dementia; she only talks at people in a monologue and never listens to what they say! From what her adult DC have said, she has always been like that!

That’s is very sad and it understandable that you feel upset about it.

Absolutely the same scenario OP - she tends to pull out random phrases that have served her well over the years, but it's clear that she doesn't follow me a lot of the time. Nor is she always 100% sure who I am. It's heartbreaking really - I'm an only child so my whole past is tied up in my relationship with my mum - her stories of her parents etc. I left the UK when I was 28, my father died when I was a child, so there's no-one who knows anything about my life before my 30s, even my partner.

I just switch off and check out when my mother is talking as I disagree with nearly everything she says. I just sit and nod and make non committal remarks. Unfortunately it has become pretty obvious even to her that I am not listening, to the point she was asking OH what is wrong with me!

Benefit scumbags is her term btw not mine.

ARG feel your pain. I struggle to have normal convos with my 81 year old mum. Often end up quite heated as she always ends up on her favourite topics of immigration, benefit scumbags, and how hard it was in her day too. Literally just finished one of these on the phone and feel really stressed now.

Forgot to add, Age UK sometimes provide a befriending service, depending on your area, or you could ring her local social services department and ask them if they could recommend any volunteer organisations that do that type of thing. Hows her mobility? Could she get out to a day centre or dementia cafe occasionally?

Would her finances allow for a carer/companion to go in even just 2 or 3 times week for an hour? I'm a self employed carer and most of my work consists of this exact thing - giving clients some one on one attention.

Has she had any memory testing? Has she had a hearing test?

Try and get those ruled out first.

Making things up could be confabulation - she doesn't know what happens and her brain fills in the gaps, she may just not have heard and so is guessing, or just be an elderly lady who isn't very stimulated and has got fixed in her ways.

It’s so hard losing them in these small incremental steps. My dad dominates the conversation now because he can’t hear/follow what’s happening.

I don’t know if this would feel appropriate but would you be able to leave your mum a (large) note somewhere obvious (on the fridge maybe) saying “See you at 6.30”. Just be religious about removing it afterwards!

Don't forget 'confabulation'.
They're not telling lies, they honestly believe what they're saying, they're just basically trying to communicate or have a conversation.
I used to follow what my Mum said, didn't correct her, just went down the rabbit hole with her!
My Mum 'died' in 2013/2014.
She's still alive but I do miss her a lot.

I think sometimes it is a mix of things. Hearing deteriorating, memory lapses, lack of social interaction making them want to talk and talk at you when they have an opportunity. Feeling that the world has become a place they don't understand anymore and can't relate to. Feeling helpless and out of their depth, powerless and angry. Dementia creeping in.. Frustration with waning physical energy and ability to do things.

You are fortunate you did have a good relationship with your mum before this. I have never had a good relationship with mine. I find her totally draining and unsupportive. I dread seeing her. I envy those who have good memories of their mothers because I don't.

My words are for you.
How to deal with it comes in lots of different forms.
My DSis and I invented ‘golden time’ for when she was in the moment and aware.
Through her 80s she would flicker in and out of golden time every five minutes. You do find you get used to it and buckle up for the ride. You accept that her brain is dealing with a predator, stealing all the good bits. A flash of golden time becomes a joy. It’s a grieving process. It will help if your DM has future proofed and given you POA already. If she has refused and continues to refuse, that brings a whole lot other issues into how you process your feelings and responses.
Stoic, annoyed, resentful, sad, regretful - all these are valid responses OP.

OP, I am having the exact same experience but with my gran. We were so close and I loved spending time with her. She is 87 but this year is the first year I have noticed her age. I think it's partly that she is self conscious of forgetting/not understanding things the way she used to and this self conciousness seems to make it worse. I also wondered whether the reduced social contact due to covid could be partly to blame, and loosing your dad not too long before wouldn't have helped - sorry for your loss.

OP, that's really hard. My mum has primary progressive aphasia as well as Alzheimer's so doesn't make any sense at all when she talks - it's random words or repeated syllables. I really sympathize with the sadness about not being able to have a proper conversation with your mum. I've given up trying to have chats so mostly now we have a cuddle or a dance to some music, which is precious in itself, but I would so love to be able to have a meaningful conversation with her. Sorry you are going through this.