There’s a ridiculously long backstory but in summary:
Over the past few years I have gone very low contact with my parents. On occasion, DMs behaviour reminds me just why those boundaries are platinum and very high.
DF had a stroke / bleed on the brain last year. Hasn’t been quite the same since. Never been ill before. Looks like onset of dementia now, along with other various age (80) and lifestyle related ailments.
DM is an absolutely awful carer — because it isn’t about her —. Awful. No patience. Complains all the time. She nags, he ignores. She can’t cope with how different life is (he seems fine when I've seen him, just a little slower, more hard of hearing, doesn't do well in big groups, and he is a little more forgetful than usual). He’s always done and managed everything, and now she’s having to do life admin. Thing is - she won’t leave him. None of us are allowed to spend time with him alone. She has to be involved. Has to take him everywhere which he finds exhausting and she finds draining. So she complains even more.
As children, how do we cope with this? She’s like a petulant child herself (I’ve known this for a long time so really, I’m looking for ways my siblings can help support her because I’ve taken a back seat behind my boundaries). I imagine at some point I’ll have to speak up because the way she speaks to / about DF is atrocious. You wouldn’t think it had only just been a year - you’d think she’s been looking after him for 20…
Seems like she forgot the "in sickness" part of the marriage vows.
AIBU to ask for coping mechanisms? What can we do? She probably needs counselling on a major scale to work through her own issues and actually learn how to be kind and compassionate….