Please or to access all these features

Elderly parents

Should I clean my parents house?

31 replies

chosenone · 10/08/2022 10:46

Its a hovel! I've posted about it before. I am low contact for a myriad of reasons and rarely go to their house due to the state of it, they know this and because 'they're happy enough' and are not bothered. Both early 70s.

There are a lot of issues with my parents, both have health issues and DM is mostly housebound and self neglects. My DB lives with them and is a live in carer for them. He will tell me he's done a 'big clean' when he has wiped some crumbs on the floor and hoovered down the middle of the living room. The reason this has come up again is because they are all away and I'm feeding their cat (no one else to do it, won't ask neighbours because of the mess).

I came back yesterday in tears as it was that bad, filthy pots left all over with flies buzzing round, grease and grime all over the kitchen, the floor littered with old socks, broken biscuits, paperwork. Piles of clutter everywhere. I said to DH I should really have a go at cleaning it whilst they're away ( I've paid for a deep clean twice since lockdown!)

DH is absolutely adamant that I shouldn't be spending my time cleaning their mess when they're not bothered. My DM can't really do much. DF and DB are big drinkers and it looks like a drinkers hovel tbh. They are 3 unhappy people who don't face their problems, all have addiction issues, hence the low contact but this pig sty has really got to me.

OP posts:
chosenone · 10/08/2022 11:02

Thanks I was feeling sad about it, but I also recognised FOG in my reactions.

I did a social care referral 2 years ago and they offered help then and DM refused it. So hopefully they're on the books.

OP posts:
Hohofortherobbers · 10/08/2022 10:59

I wouldn't do it without their permission. Would they agree to allowing you to maybe just keep the kitchen clean going forwards, maybe even pay you to clean it weekly. My dm is no housekeeper and I found it uncomfortable to be in her unclean house. We have an agreement now, I clean it and she pays me, she wouldn't want a cleaner but is happy for me to keep on top of things. The arrangement suits us both and helps our relationship as I feel happier to be in her home.

Easywhenyouknowit · 10/08/2022 10:59

Poor cat! Flies will lay eggs in their food and it can be dangerous (happens in our cat dish sometimes and I am emptying and washing it daily!)

However, if you have already paid for deep cleans and they still haven’t taken the trouble to clean then I doubt you cleaning now will achieve much. SS won’t really do much either. An alcoholic relative was pretty much living in a pig sty (despite us cleaning every week to try to keep on top of it) and SS assessed for a carer but didn’t comment on the state of the place. All the carer did was come in and heat a microwave meal/make a sandwich. They don’t even report back the filth/mouldy dishes/food or whatever. The attitude was ‘we see people living in all sorts of conditions. It’s up to them how they want to live’ so, unless they are extreme (bottles of urine/faeces in bags or the bath or whatever) then they won’t do anything.

Namechangehereandnow · 10/08/2022 10:51

Definitely do NOT clean the house … agree with poster above - contact SS.
There are 3 adults living in the house, let them sort their own mess. Even if you cleaned it, it would be back to square one in no time.

GreenManalishi · 10/08/2022 10:50

This is not your responsibility. This is three adults making their own choices, you don't have to fix it, or control it.

girlmom21 · 10/08/2022 10:48

I'd contact social services instead.

Swipe left for the next trending thread