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Elderly parents
Original poster

Should I be paying mum rent?

83 replies

EveryonesFavouritePunchbag · 08/08/2022 11:25

Long story short (but still quite long, sorry):

Returned to the UK earlier this year because my parents are clearly nearing the end of life, with rapidly deteriorating health. My primary residence is abroad and my husband still lives there (we’re doing OK, chatting daily – social media has its uses!). A couple of weeks ago, dad went into a care home with dementia and I moved in with mum because there is so much to help with (everything inside and outside the house is badly neglected) and this sort of thing is hard to get done when living at a distance.

I’m going home (to my husband) soon for a few weeks, but before I go have made it my priority to do up mum’s bedroom. The carpet and beds were covered in bloodstains from dad’s nightly falls. The curtains were rotting, she’s been using enormous bulldog clips to keep them shut. The chests of drawers were falling apart (the hardboard backing was actually disintegrating into powder, the bottoms of the drawers falling out). I wanted to make it clean and comfortable for her, a tranquil haven rather than the scene of trauma!

My brothers seem to view this as a hostile takeover and keep putting the boot in. One of them recently commented on me “living here rent free.” This has got me worried. I’ve hardly had time to think about it yet, but should I be paying rent? I’ve been so busy that I haven’t given much thought to bills, but I guess I should go halves. I buy and cook as much food as mum will permit, given that she just wants fish and potatoes every night 😜

OP posts:
HairyScaryMonster · 08/08/2022 16:51

What stuff do you have that needs to go into storage? It does sound like your main reason for coming to the UK has finished and noone will appreciate you putting yourself out to stay with your mum. If your brothers live in the UK let them deal with things. You could always visit for a week or so at a time every so often.

Pollianne · 08/08/2022 16:49

A new carpet won’t add value to the house, you should be paying rent, your brother’s have PoA, you could buy a bread machine and coffee maker for mum😳

You’ve done more than your best to make sure your dad’s safe and your mum is living in a clean house. Your mum is putting blocks on the improvements. You’ve sacrificed your time, money and home life to do this without support. And your brother suggested you should be paying rent etc for a few weeks? Your brothers sound like they’re guarding their investment and have no/little interest in their parent’s welfare. Your mum is guarding her space but isn’t making the best decisions for herself. Yet she’s happy at the idea of you moving back.

Definitely take a step back from this and protect yourself and your family life. Your mum will need extra help soon so it’s probably worth her getting assessed for anything she needs. Sorry it’s been such a negative eye opener 💐

Original poster
EveryonesFavouritePunchbag · 08/08/2022 16:40

Very true, @averylongtimeago ... I think I was fretting and fretting about mum and dad's welfare, especially with COVID which made me feel so horribly cut off, living abroad. But I feel like I know where I'm not wanted 😁 and my priority should be to the one person in the world who loves me and treats me with kindness and respect. ❤

OP posts:
averylongtimeago · 08/08/2022 16:26

You have done enough. Go home to your husband (you don't say if you have other family abroad).
Your mum has a cleaner, she can manage her meals and you are going to leave the house as sorted as you can (and your mum wants). She won't be alone- you have 2 brothers, it's not just down-to you.

You have your own life, don't sacrifice it on the alter of "duty".

Your mum could live for years! How long can you realistically put your (and your husband's ) life on hold?

Original poster
EveryonesFavouritePunchbag · 08/08/2022 16:20

calmlakes · 08/08/2022 15:59

We used "we buy any car" when we emigrated.

aggghhh, they want two sets of keys. I only have one. I bought it off my brother (it was my nephew's car!)

OP posts:
EmmaH2022 · 08/08/2022 16:15

calmlakes · 08/08/2022 15:58

OP I think that you have done more than could be expected of you.
I would remove yourself from the situation and return home.
Your dad is where he needs to be and your mum sounds well set up if unappreciative.

This

just run away while you can!

sorry it turned out this way, OP.

Original poster
EveryonesFavouritePunchbag · 08/08/2022 16:13

Hmm, my impulse not to return is gaining impetus.

Husband and I have plans to sell up and leave the country our current home is in, for various reasons. We had thought perhaps to come to the UK for a few years, just to make sure mum and dad are all right. But I think I've done my bit, to be honest, and I don't want to put him through any more of this nonsense. He was appalled by the couple of family Xmases he witnessed. He said it was painful to see people who didn't even like each other gathered once a year pretending to love other. I told him not to be silly. But he is right!

If we do settle in the UK one day, there's no need to let my family know.

OP posts:
Baaaaaa · 08/08/2022 16:08

EveryonesFavouritePunchbag · 08/08/2022 14:03

I very much appreciate all of your answers, thank you.

I do wonder if the dollar signs are flashing in their eyes. It would explain a lot. It's probably the only motive they can imagine for me. Well, they can shove the inheritance up their arses. They both have PoA so they're welcome to shaft me when mum and dad are dead. I couldn't care less.

Your brothers sound like money grabbing arseholes.

They do nothing for their mum, actively block improvements then percieve your attempts to help as trying to do the very thing they are doing.
Unless your mum has specified differently in a will, you will be entitled to a third of her estate.

I can guarantee, when the time comes they will suddenly spring into action and be extremely involved in sorting out the estate.

Can your mum not see this?

POA or not, get angry and please don't just roll over.

Blueberrywitch · 08/08/2022 16:00

I don’t understand why you would even be planning to return? Your job is done now dad in the care home surely? Time to return to your actual life. Your renovated corner in the pictures looks lovely and very satisfying.

I wish I could give my elderly parents place an overhaul and when I stayed there spent a lot of time fantasising about the renovation - but they’re quite happy in the mess.

calmlakes · 08/08/2022 15:59

We used "we buy any car" when we emigrated.

calmlakes · 08/08/2022 15:58

OP I think that you have done more than could be expected of you.
I would remove yourself from the situation and return home.
Your dad is where he needs to be and your mum sounds well set up if unappreciative.

Original poster
EveryonesFavouritePunchbag · 08/08/2022 15:55

How would I get rid of my car?
At the moment I've paid for long-term parking at the airport.
I'm here until Sunday, staying overnight at the airport on Sunday night, flying Monday.
Just wondering if I could advertise it for sale and do a deal at the hotel! I like the idea of putting my stuff into storage and flying off with a handful of cash!

OP posts:
70billionthnamechange · 08/08/2022 15:51

I think you should go home and come back to say your goodbyes, seems like no one is grateful so fuck them

Original poster
EveryonesFavouritePunchbag · 08/08/2022 15:42

Oh and @HairyScaryMonster , yes, I do "contribute to running costs" of my home abroad. My husband lost his job there, so it's all down to me. Renting here in the UK has been quite a massive expense on top of everything else.

OP posts:
Original poster
EveryonesFavouritePunchbag · 08/08/2022 15:39

Thank you @Iwonder08 , that's a good way of looking at it. Flowers

OP posts:
Iwonder08 · 08/08/2022 15:34

Your brothers think you are after the inheritance for sure. Given the level of their involvement there is nothing more they care about. Your dad is already in a care home and your mum doesn't seem to either value your contribution or even wanting you there hence bitching about you on the phone to your brother. Something tells me you seem to think it is your duty to look after them because you are the only daughter. Think again. Why are you doing it to yourself? Move back to your husband and leave them all to that. They don't need you here.

Original poster
EveryonesFavouritePunchbag · 08/08/2022 15:31

@EmmaH2022
changing life from abroad, and spending time with family who don't sound nice, in expectation of end of life, might not be the right thing, especially if you don't want to come back.

I didn't realise they weren't nice! I used to read threads on mumsnet and think, "Thank god my family aren't like that." It's been a bit of a shock coming back for a few months. The penny has dropped about how I developed some of my hard-to-shift personality defects, like my absolute terror of conflict and my automatic assumption that everything I do is stupid.

Re "expectation of end of life" -- I came back because dad was beginning to lose the plot, mum was in denial (= just about coping, in a way that she now looks back on as intolerable) and my brothers weren't doing much. Now that dad is safely settled in a nursing home, I feel my job is done, although I did feel it necessary to make mum's bedroom more habitable.

One shock has been that I always thought dad was the scary tyrant! I now realise he wasn't the only one 🤣

@HairyScaryMonster I am self-employed, so work from home. I relocated to the UK in February because dad's health was in rapid decline. I was renting a place of my own until just over a week ago (when the tenancy expired), and I'm here at mum's until next weekend. She agreed to let me store things in her garage while I return home to my husband. My original plan was to find another place to rent on my return, but she has been urging me to stay here. I am just beginning to think that I don't want to come back to the UK at all.

OP posts:
HairyScaryMonster · 08/08/2022 15:09

So just to clarify, your DH lives abroad where you usually live (do you have to contribute to running costs?), but you've got yourself a UK job (did you have one abroad you had to give up?) in order to be able to live closer to your mum, specifically in order to help her in her old age?

You could afford to rent something and did do for a while (how long?) but decided to move in with your mum for 2 weeks before your (pre-scheduled) trip back to your DH.

Apart from decorating and cooking, what other help have you been providing? Presume you've been spending your own money on her. How long are you planning on staying with her?

Mariposista · 08/08/2022 14:56

What on Earth??? I thought my mum had it bad being the only one of 4 children who shoulders any of the hard work caring for my elderly gran, but this is something else!!!! OP you are a brilliant daughter and your brothers are greedy jerks.

doubleshotcappuccino · 08/08/2022 14:52

This sounds like my family ! We won't change them.. distance and boundaries are my solution

EmmaH2022 · 08/08/2022 14:47

OP "I've just tried to do what I can while I'm here, and she has suggested I come back and live here on my return next month."

oh well, if she's asked you to come back, then it must be all good from her side.

ask yourself what you want though. I made a lot of plans about 6 years ago when both parents were very ill. Dad rallied and died 2 years later...mum defied the odds and got better.

changing life from abroad, and spending time with family who don't sound nice, in expectation of end of life, might not be the right thing, especially if you don't want to come back.

Original poster
EveryonesFavouritePunchbag · 08/08/2022 14:40

@EmmaH2022

I've been renting elsewhere since February, but my tenancy expired 2 weeks ago. I asked mum if she would mind me staying for a fortnight before my trip back to stay with my husband. I've just tried to do what I can while I'm here, and she has suggested I come back and live here on my return next month. I'm just beginning to think that might be a really bad idea.

Re whether she wanted me to redecorate her bedroom, it's hard to tell. I asked her permission, which she gave, and I have asked her at every step whether a change is too intrusive or not. A lot of the ideas I originally had have been scrapped as a result. But I don't think that will stop her moaning to my brothers. I heard her telling one of them how I've been turfing her out of bed in the mornings, so that I could do my decorating, which isn't true at all. I wait until she's completely up and ready, which is usually early afternoon, and then only over the past weekend because I have a full-time job during the week. She was probably "just joking"...

She certainly appreciated the need for a new carpet when she saw the state of the old one. Perhaps the attached before/after pix will illustrate why I thought it was a good idea to freshen things up before I go.

Should I be paying mum rent?
Should I be paying mum rent?
OP posts:
EmmaH2022 · 08/08/2022 14:30

OP I notice you've not answered key questions

did mum ask you to come and stay and "help"?

did mum want you to redecorate?

you mention a neighbour to look after your plants. How do you have plants in a place you don't live?

I spend a lot of time at mum's. Yes, if I kept plants there she would water them. But if I wanted to redecorate, I think she'd be entitled to say no to the disruption. It's her home. It's very shabby. But she is competent and doesn't want change.

what care does your mum "need"?

Original poster
EveryonesFavouritePunchbag · 08/08/2022 14:28

Mindymomo · 08/08/2022 14:15

If your Mum ends up in care as well as Dad, there’s a good chance the home will have to be sold to pay for care costs. There’s no guarantee your brothers will get anything in inheritance.

That's how I've always seen it.

OP posts:
hotfroth · 08/08/2022 14:17

EveryonesFavouritePunchbag · 08/08/2022 14:03

I very much appreciate all of your answers, thank you.

I do wonder if the dollar signs are flashing in their eyes. It would explain a lot. It's probably the only motive they can imagine for me. Well, they can shove the inheritance up their arses. They both have PoA so they're welcome to shaft me when mum and dad are dead. I couldn't care less.

Once your parents have passed away, they will have to abide by the will(s). I suspect that if they are going to help themselves to money, they will do it long before that happens.

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