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Elderly parents

Should I be paying mum rent?

83 replies

EveryonesFavouritePunchbag · 08/08/2022 11:25

Long story short (but still quite long, sorry):

Returned to the UK earlier this year because my parents are clearly nearing the end of life, with rapidly deteriorating health. My primary residence is abroad and my husband still lives there (we’re doing OK, chatting daily – social media has its uses!). A couple of weeks ago, dad went into a care home with dementia and I moved in with mum because there is so much to help with (everything inside and outside the house is badly neglected) and this sort of thing is hard to get done when living at a distance.

I’m going home (to my husband) soon for a few weeks, but before I go have made it my priority to do up mum’s bedroom. The carpet and beds were covered in bloodstains from dad’s nightly falls. The curtains were rotting, she’s been using enormous bulldog clips to keep them shut. The chests of drawers were falling apart (the hardboard backing was actually disintegrating into powder, the bottoms of the drawers falling out). I wanted to make it clean and comfortable for her, a tranquil haven rather than the scene of trauma!

My brothers seem to view this as a hostile takeover and keep putting the boot in. One of them recently commented on me “living here rent free.” This has got me worried. I’ve hardly had time to think about it yet, but should I be paying rent? I’ve been so busy that I haven’t given much thought to bills, but I guess I should go halves. I buy and cook as much food as mum will permit, given that she just wants fish and potatoes every night 😜

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Jamaisy82 · 29/08/2022 11:12

I don't think paying rent is a bad thing.
Has your mam asked for rent? If not then I do think you cooking and cleaning and helping out etc is well worth the no rent being paid as you are contributing alot and that's worth its weight in gold.

EveryonesFavouritePunchbag · 08/08/2022 20:18

Iwonder08 · 08/08/2022 20:04

Aren't you amazing! Well done, a lot of people waste years before realising they are being used by their family. You did very well!

gosh thank you Flowers

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EveryonesFavouritePunchbag · 08/08/2022 20:18

Ahh @RaininSummer there are concrete floors here. It's a 1980s bungalow with Artex ceilings!

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RaininSummer · 08/08/2022 20:12

Sounds like a good decision. Not the most important thing you said but I got fixated on the bookcase back turning to powder. That is probably woodworm as the same thing happened to mine. Likely to be in the floorboards too. You may want to tell your brothers to check ;)

Twiglets1 · 08/08/2022 20:07

Glad you came to a decision. Your brothers made it easy for you with their suspicious attitudes and when they find out I expect they will wish they had been a bit more supportive

Iwonder08 · 08/08/2022 20:04

Aren't you amazing! Well done, a lot of people waste years before realising they are being used by their family. You did very well!

calmlakes · 08/08/2022 20:00

Well done OP.

EveryonesFavouritePunchbag · 08/08/2022 19:56

@tsmainsqueeze "sneered at" is EXACTLY how it's been!!!

I just explained to mum over dinner that I am going home and not coming back. We have a house to sell and we've been apart for 6 months, which although we've managed well... my job now is over there, my job here is complete.

DH was so excited when I told him! He asked me to let mum know that we will come over at any point if and when she needs us.

She understands and accepts all this. So all good.

I wish I could see my brother's face when he realises I'm not coming back to live here "rent free" 🤣 I can't be arsed telling either of my brothers, they will find out in due course. I think it's their turn to step up, if they can be bothered, and if not and mum needs help with anything then DH and I can come to the rescue. But until then... tally ho!!!!!!!! So excited about going home on Sunday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THANK YOU EVERYONE for helping me to come to this decision. My default setting is to feel that I have done everything wrong and am being really stupid. I know now where that came from, but it's a hard feeling to shake.

Flowers
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tsmainsqueeze · 08/08/2022 18:48

I think they are all selfish shits .
You clearly have higher standards and care about you mothers living conditions, despite all complications i too would have done the same ,i would not have been happy knowing my mom was living in the mess you describe.
Clearly whatever sensible , helpful thing you suggest will be sneered at so i think you should please yourself from now on .

vaingina · 08/08/2022 18:43

What you describe re mum is fairly typical of people who don’t want to think they need help. According to my mother I have ‘ruined her life’ by brining a cleaner in for one day a week.
your mum is perhaps too proud to admit she needs help, but it’s interesting that she has said you should stay when(if) you come back. Perhaps she does appreciate you are there. I think I would clean more than replace eg wash/dry clean the curtains rather than buy new ones? Get a carpet in the same colour as the original? That way Mum won’t feel too much has changed. She probably needs to be around what is familiar at the moment, given the enormous change from living with and caring for your dad.
only thing I would say is, I would probably come back for one more stay at least, perhaps to help Mum sort through Dad’s stuff and process the changes in her life. I have spent much more time with my mum as she has aged and become more frail, and we are much closer now than we ever were before. But you must do what’s right for you.
Your brothers sound like fuckers. You however, sound lovely.

EveryonesFavouritePunchbag · 08/08/2022 18:35

Thank you Flowers

I used to read stuff on MN and think, How on earth could things ever get so bad that you'd decide to go NC with family?!

Lesson learned!!!!!

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Twiglets1 · 08/08/2022 18:25

EveryonesFavouritePunchbag · 08/08/2022 18:15

@Twiglets1 Don't apologise, thank you for the suggestion, and please have a gold medal for RTFT! 😀

Thank you 😊
You have my sympathy re your family situation btw

EveryonesFavouritePunchbag · 08/08/2022 18:15

@Twiglets1 Don't apologise, thank you for the suggestion, and please have a gold medal for RTFT! 😀

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Twiglets1 · 08/08/2022 18:13

Twiglets1 · 08/08/2022 18:13

Use a website like Webuyanycar.com for a quick sale ( not necessarily the best price but we thought they were ok when we used them)

Oh sorry- I posted before reading the whole thread

Twiglets1 · 08/08/2022 18:13

Use a website like Webuyanycar.com for a quick sale ( not necessarily the best price but we thought they were ok when we used them)

EveryonesFavouritePunchbag · 08/08/2022 17:55

GetOffTheRoof · 08/08/2022 17:53

"We Buy Any Car" will usually still buy it from you with one key, but they'll reduce the price. It's worth getting the price they'll offer you, then looking at the price with two keys and seeing if you can get one cut for less than the difference between the offers.

Good idea. I can't quite believe the cost of getting a car key cut. Nearly £200!!!!!!

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BruisedPear · 08/08/2022 17:54

Sell everything OP, take the cash and live your life! You’ve done enough, let your brothers shoulder the responsibility. Put yourself and your marriage first 💐

GetOffTheRoof · 08/08/2022 17:53

"We Buy Any Car" will usually still buy it from you with one key, but they'll reduce the price. It's worth getting the price they'll offer you, then looking at the price with two keys and seeing if you can get one cut for less than the difference between the offers.

EveryonesFavouritePunchbag · 08/08/2022 17:49

I'm now thinking fuck the storage etc, I will just sell everything on eBay between now and the weekend. It all just duplicates what I already have at home and people can collect it on Saturday (I think)? I had hesitated to cause such disruption here, but sod it, I could do with some £££ to replenish what I've spent over the past few months on rents, DIY, etc...

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EveryonesFavouritePunchbag · 08/08/2022 17:22

Thank you @maudesvagina 😊

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maudesvagina · 08/08/2022 17:19

Timpsons can often do car keys

EveryonesFavouritePunchbag · 08/08/2022 17:16

Great idea, thank you!

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Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 08/08/2022 17:14

@EveryonesFavouritePunchbag
facebook and marketplace does have its uses. It’s a it like the putting a card in the local shop window, only techyfied!

I don’t use it as social media. You can delete your profile should you wish afterwards.

EveryonesFavouritePunchbag · 08/08/2022 17:08

Thanks everyone. @Alphabet1spaghetti2 I don't have a FB account but it sounds as though it might be worth creating a profile if that's a good way to sell a car!

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Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 08/08/2022 17:03

@EveryonesFavouritePunchbag Can you not stick the car in Facebook marketplace or local Facebook page or local shop window/newspaper.?
second hand car market appears to be very strong right now. Ship whatever stuff you want to keep back home or recycle/sell it.

you’ve done what you can. And they’ve made it clear what they think. As you say - go home to someone who loves, respects, wants and needs you.