Driving (or rather, not stopping driving)

Of course he is an adult, but you are too and you would feel horrendous guilt if something serious went wrong for other people.
A couple of years ago a toddler was mown down outside a toy shop in Edinburgh by an elderly woman. It was tragic. I can’t imagine that woman’s family have slept ok since.

I think people say things like this without thinking. Yes, you may have a family that sits down to discuss issues OR you might have a family where the parent listens to no one. Or any permutation in between. If you are in the first category, crack on. If you are nearer the second the fact is this - parental responsibility applies to parent-child, not child to parent. I have to say this, as I think it’s such a dangerous and damaging thing for adult children struggling with elderly parents to hear judgement like this and it just adds to the FOG they may already have.

I hope the family of that woman who killed a toddler sleep sleep tightly. There is no reason for them not to. There may have been signposts before the accident, there may not have been. I don’t know. What i know is that it’s wrong to insinuate they should have ‘done something’. It’s easy to pull out examples of poor elderly driving, and every paper just loves to do so, the sad fact is there are accidents every day. If you want to talk figures it is young drivers who are more likely to kill someone. Dangerous driving is dangerous driving. If you see it you can speak to the parent if you are able, report to the police or DVLA, or suggest eye checks or cognitive tests if you believe that is the source of the problem (the OP doesn’t say what the errors are exactly).

don’t get me wrong, I’m not supporting dangerous driving but right here on this site are people pushed to the limit by caring. The worst thing for mental health is to be expected to control the uncontrollable and be judged for not having done so.

how old is your dad OP. We had similar for my dad, had early onset dementia. Mum had a private word with the GP, who mentioned it on the visit. Dad was always had huge respect for rules and especially on advice from a professional such as a doctor. Just before the visit he had gone for a drive with mum, pulled up to a junction near home and just stopped, and said to mum “I really don’t know where we are, which way do I go”

That was the turning point. Mum still let him put the car from the private drive into the garage for some time afterwards, it made him feel like he was still driving I suspect in his increasingly confused mind.

mum gave up after dad died, mainly because her eyesight had deteriorated and the constant medical forms to keep the licence, together with the huge insurance premiums for just 100 miles a year simply wasn’t worth it.

Take dad out for some near misses in the car. Do not do this 🙄

Tell him in no uncertain terms that he’s not safe, that he is not only putting himself but others at risk. Why test him? He’s had a couple of accidents and this dangerous thing happen already! Forget anonymously telling the dvla, tell him that you are letting them know and do it. Check this page www.gov.uk/health-conditions-and-driving as there may be a medical reason. I understand that this isn’t easy and ultimately the onus is on the driver to be responsible for knowing when to stop but from what you’re saying he needs to stop driving. As someone with a degenerative condition and I have to renew my license currently every 3 years I am very aware that at some point I will make the decision to stop driving before I have to. He needs taking off the roads even if he doesn’t like it.

Please report if you have any concerns, if he is a danger then it is absolutely the right thing to do. Where I live a pensioner (who had been told by his optician to give up driving) mowed down a 3 year old and her mother on a crossing, he didnt even apply his breaks as he hadnt seen them. He went to prison and the poor child died.

Anonymous report to the DVLA. It does work and my DF had his licence removed after tests. He was livid, and still doesn’t know who did it.

How old is your father? Tbh, if you think he is unsafe you need to report him to the DVLA and to his GP. Of course he is an adult, but you are too and you would feel horrendous guilt if something serious went wrong for other people.

A couple of years ago a toddler was mown down outside a toy shop in Edinburgh by an elderly woman. It was tragic. I can’t imagine that woman’s family have slept ok since.

Stupid app posted too soon. Can you get him a dashcam fitted and maybe show him some examples? Being confronted (gently!) with near misses might help him accept reality.

Can you

It's tough and I'm sure I'll fight it like crazy when it's my turn. I remember having to have this conversation with my aunt many years ago (she wouldn't listen to my mum, younger sisters are always younger sisters but she did listen to me). It's a terrible conversation to have but you really do have to try.

Sorry just reread about your mum driving and the taxies so ignore my last comment!

My MIL agreed to give up driving after a visit from police. Three separate people had contacted them concerned about her erratic driving. She did it voluntarily but I think they made it clear to her in a kindly way that if she didn’t they would force her to. To be honest it was a relief to us all. It’s a bit of a nuclear option though.

it’s very tricky as we found to our parents giving up driving was a very emotional decision - almost like admitting they have one foot in the grave - and it’s very hard to counter that. Have you discussed how he will keep some independence if he gives up eg having a taxi service he can use? That can be a big factor too.

Your dad could go out with an instructor or I think the institute of advance motoring do a test. You can report your dad to DVLA who will contact his GP if you are very concerned.

some older drivers self regulate and
drive in limited situations and locations. Some are priced off the road by insurance. Many are not amenable to a conversation. Contrary to many comments you hear about the relatives ‘should have done something’, your father is an adult and he makes his own decision.