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Elderly parents
Original poster

Parent in nursing home - not settling

37 replies

achara · 15/06/2022 21:37

My mother is 92 and had a bad fall and was in hospital for a month.
She has been going downhill rapidly over the last year and has been very difficult at home. We believe she has had dementia for a few years but not too bad, however, after a stroke 2 years ago she got progressively worse.
She thinks the family (4 of us 2 doing bulk of care but others will do when needed) are stealing from her messing up her clothes and stuff to confuse her.
She thinks all strangers are her best friend and loves to tell anyone who calls how awful we are.
Since the fall and being in hospital her dementia has been much worse. Hospital advised she needed 24 hour care.
Now, as she hates people in her house other than for a visit, we didn't think going home would work so we made the decision on the advice of the doctors to place her in a nursing home.
It's really lovely with her own room and bathroom, dining rooms, activities on etc.
Now the issue is she's very angry being there although some days she loves it. She has been there almost 2 weeks and she doesn't seem to be settling. She is constantly moaning and giving out although she was like this at home too.
I'm worried that she won't settle at all.
The stress is awful although we all have been so stressed over the last year this felt like a godsend. But now we just feel so guilty.
Can anyone give me any home that she might settle?

OP posts:
Original poster
achara · 15/06/2022 23:08

Carrie I think you might have a point. My sister (who didn't do that much previously) has been pushing constantly for us all to visit and to make sure there's at least 2 visitors every day. I said to her today we need to pull back for the reasons you said.

OP posts:
CarrieMoonbeams · 15/06/2022 22:57

My mum has dementia. I read something that really resonated with me - "Nothing we do is ever enough. Or good enough." So true.

It sounds odd, but could it be that you/the family are actually visiting too often? My mum had 5 weeks in a care home after a fall at home and while we were waiting for a care package. The staff actually suggested that in the early stages anyway, it's best not to visit every day, to give her a chance to settle in. Otherwise, in my mum's case anyway, she kept wanting to sit in her room because she was waiting for us to arrive.

Original poster
achara · 15/06/2022 22:55

Thanks Twinings that really helps

OP posts:
twinings2 · 15/06/2022 22:50

I work in a care home, often new residents behave differently when families visit. They still know how to guilt trip their loved ones and exaggerate or lie about the care they are getting. Often this behaviour eventually reduces especially as they get into a routine and find their feet and make friends. I'm also a daughter who had no choice but to place my Dad in a care home. Believe me he was vicious. He accused me of everything he could possibly think of, it was very traumatic. But it proved that I'd done the right thing, the right thing for him and for me. I knew day and night that he was safe. I slept properly. It's a huge relief. Take a step back for a while. It's a big change for you to.

Original poster
achara · 15/06/2022 22:49

I don't know if dementia makes them guilt trip you more. It's probably because shd can't remember you visiting as you say. My mam's super power is guilt tripping! She always had a mean streak too which was usually directed at other people so we're getting that now.
She doesn't recognise us at all but remembers who we were (remembers the names but not faces).
I think okish is the best we can hope for as you say badger.

OP posts:
Beamur · 15/06/2022 22:43

Dementia makes people behave differently. They're not able to process thoughts and emotions in the same way.
We found communicating with MIL during Covid quite enlightening. She often gives DH a hard time, I suspect she thinks he is her late husband and can't quite understand why she isn't at home still. On video calls she obviously didn't have a clue who we were and we could see her actually looking much cheerier and more smiley!
She's entering a stage in her illness where she vaguely recognises us but doesn't really know us - but is genuinely pleased to see us. Preferable to her being grumpy and sour I have to say.

badger2005 · 15/06/2022 22:27

Oh - does dementia make someone guilt trip you more, sniffypete? my dm will say when i visit her 'i haven't seen you for ages, have i?', or 'i need to see you very often', or 'we're only living here because of the chance of seeing you'. my dad says she is obsessed with seeing me. i visit her 3 times a week, but i usually leave feeling guilty. she would never have made me feel guilty like this before dementia. no-one could have been more loving, generous and charming than my dm as she was. i think part of it is that she now can't remember when she last saw me, but i don't think that is all of it, so i'm wondering if this guilt-tripping is a thing with dementia? My dm is not in a home (my dad is her primary carer) - though i know the time will come. and then we will also feel v guilty. do feelings of guilt just go with this territory maybe - like mother's guilt about childcare etc?
sorry OP for hijacking the thread - it just caught my eye because i can completely imagine this happening to my dm too when the time comes. maybe we just can't make our dm's happy anymore, and okay-ish is a reasonable goal?

Original poster
achara · 15/06/2022 22:20

Thank you so much for the replies. It does help to hear that we are doing the best we can. The guilt trips are difficult but she was truly awful at home too.
I have to be honest and say the relief from the stress is amazing. We didn't realise how stressful it was.
We are meeting the care home on Friday and we will get some answers but ultimately as you all have said it will take time.
Thank you all so much 💐💐💐💐

OP posts:
Sniffypete · 15/06/2022 22:09

My nan seemed the same. She was fine until my mum visited and then would start with all the guilt trips- her dementia made her very cruel though.
The dementia makes it harder.

Beamur · 15/06/2022 22:06

My MIL is in a care home. It's the only possible solution to looking after her.
With dementia it takes longer to adapt to changes too.
My MIL has been in hers for nearly 3 years. She's settled but not delighted to be there!
You have to step back from the guilt and bear in mind she is safe and receiving appropriate care.

Chardonnay73 · 15/06/2022 22:01

I could have written your post. She will settle sooner than you think. Trust me. We had to invent the electrics about to blow up to get my mum into a home. As a ‘temporary measure whilst it was fixed’
She settled in about 4 weeks, after 6 she no longer remembered her old house. I feel for you I really do, but let someone else take that load now. The relief we ultimately felt was unbelievable when that stress was lifted.

DelphiniumBlue · 15/06/2022 21:44

2 weeks isn't long - it may well take longer for her to settle.
The problem is that you feel guilty, but you've said that the doctor advised that it would be best for her to be in a home - where she has access to 24/7 care and company.
She wasn't happy at home with you looking after her, maybe she won't be 100% happy in the care home either, but those are the options and it sounds like the stress of caring for in her home was becoming unmanageable. There is no easy answer, but the solution has to work for the whole family, not just her. This sounds like it is the least bad option.