Parent in nursing home - not settling

Thank you v

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I’m not quite sure how to reply to individual posts, but thank you all so much for your advice and wise words.
it helps.

Thank you for your very moving reply. It makes reality de I’m not alone in my feelings. X

We found the staff best to advise - you’re going through it for first time - they have seen it all before, dozens of times and are experienced at coping. My Dad was never “happy” in care home he just tolerated it but with very advanced Parkinsons it was where he had to be. Ironically my Mum is now in same home (Dad died a few years back) and loves it!

@Borntobeamum the easiest thing is to just agree with her. Placate her as much as you can... so when she says the staff hit her, just say "oh that's terrible..." and then change the subject.

My mum went into her care home in July when dad was taken into hospital. He joined her in August for 3 weeks then sadly passed away.
Mum is a nightmare. She’s accusing staff of hitting and posting her over. When we said that wasn’t true, she said ‘well maybe it was you, or ‘sibling’’
She is also telling her visitors that Ive taken her rings and sold them for £400.
I have got her rings as the staff asked me to after she was handing them out to other residents, and they are worth many thousands.
I’ve been taking them when I visit to show her Ive not sold them but that’s not working.

We’ve considered looking for another home, but many people have told us that she’d still be the same - It’s not ‘home’ and the staff where she is are amazing. The home has 15 residents so cosy and the staff have time to sit and chat.
I’m having to develop a thicker skin and if she starts, I’m afraid I now get up, kiss her and tell her I love her and walk out.

It breaks my heart 💔

@dogdaisychains I understand how you feel. I think most of us who have parents in a home can identify with you. I cared for mum for 20 years (we have shared a home for over 30 years) and in the last couple of years I gave up every aspect of my life to support her. Then she had a fall, went into hospital, from there to a rehab unit and on to a nursing home. She has been there since October last year and it is only now that I am starting to see an improvement in her happiness.

When she went into hospital I had a breakdown and ended up in hospital myself and it has taken over a year to feel better. I know she is warm, safe, clean, fed and has company but she and I had never been apart for so long. She can't get used to the fact that she can't speak to me every day and still tells me that she rings me every morning before she gets up and why won't I answer? She doesn't have access to a phone, it's just something she loved to do.

Someone said to me it is a sort of grief and you just have to go through it and I think it's true. Be gentle with yourself.

I amin this same place with my Mum. I feel so upset when I visit. I cried today because she said she was ‘terrified’ in the lounge. One of the other residents told me my Mum drives her up the wall! It’s so unfair. She’s such a sweet lovely person and wouldn’t harm anyone, but she’s very hard of hearing and can’t remember things. I don’t think she can even find her way to her room on her own.
i thought the home would give me some peace, Knowing she was safe and being looked after. She’s 95 and I’ve been her significant other for 30 years so it’s really hard to let go. It’s also made me very depressed about my own future. I’m 71 and was looking forward to some stress free time with my husband (74 in a month) but all I can see is a bleak future. I’m so down.

DM (who has mixed dementia and stroke) has been in a nursing home for 2 yrs. We visit weekly. Most of the time she's fine, other times she complains and confubulates about other residents being murdered and her stuff being taken! TBF she hated being housebound at her home before her big stroke but the paranoia has increased since her dementia has worsened. Her increasing care needs mean that carers coming in wouldn't be enough and I doubt a live in carer would last a week. She's no longer the lovely caring mum we had growing up and neither DB nor I (both as single parents) can afford to give up work to care for her, have the space to have her live with us, nor have the nursing ability to care for someone doubly incontinent, sometimes aggressive, and with multiple medical conditions.

We do both feel very guilty because we love her still but it would break us.

Another one here who feels so guilty and is on the receiving end of mum's frustrations with being in a care home. She has been there 9 weeks now and still asks to go home every time I visit. She sometimes says she likes it there, other times she almost shouts at me to get her out of this awful place.

I had a long chat with the CH manager yesterday who said mum is a lot less anxious and confused than when she was admitted and she joins in with the activities which is great to hear. I often take mum out when I visit and we go out for cups of tea and cake to places she knows, I am wondering if this is a good idea and is meaning she is less likely to settle? The CH staff think it's lovely that I take her out but I honestly thought she would be more settled by now

The relationship problems caused or exacerbated by dementia are very under publicised. Everyone in your situation believes that their experience is unique ; in fact, it is probably the norm.

we had to stop visiting DP ‘s aunt ( next of kin) because she would try to hit him with her walking stick. The nurses and the residents’ supervisor told us that she did not do this with the staff. He told us that it was quite usual for relatives and friends to be on the receiving end of verbal and even physical abuse. I think it may be frustration, because the sufferers vaguely recognise us, and want to communicate, whereas with staff, they have reached a reasonable relationship based on who they are at the time.

The lack of knowledge causes many people great and unnecessary distress. The complaining, abuse and even violence are symptoms of an unfortunately incurable illness, and should be recognised as such.

@badger2005 my nan had vascular dementia and it changed her personality drastically. She went from a kind, lovely, loving, caring woman, to a selfish, nasty and vindictive person. She wasn't my Nan anymore. The not remembering I could cope with. But I couldn't cope with the lies and truly horrible things she would say. She became very self-centred and lost all empathy. For instance if we visited she would say, "why haven't you visited?" And we said that we had been ill or something she would literally say she didn't care.

My mum has been in a home since October with severe arthritis and dementia. Sadly the only time she is able to construct a full coherent sentence is when she tells me that she hates being there. But as others have said she was also very unhappy at home. Plus her physical needs were not being met.

Reading through this thread has been really helpful for me. I can dismiss mum's complaints about the farmer bringing his cows through the dining room during breakfast, the fact that it took two hours to get home after the garden party in the grounds, the fact that she spends all morning on the phone trying to get hold of me and I never answer - all those are part of the dementia. But because she is more coherent about being unhappy I feel guilty.

Reading this thread reminds me that she has no idea of how often I visit (every week) or that my uncle does the same. She will tell me that she missed his visit this week even though he phoned me and said how bright she was at the time!

The matron tells me mum is smiley and relaxed when we are not there, just like others have said. Not sure who really needs to get used to her being in the home - her or me!

When FIL with dementia moved from bed blocking in hospital to a care home we were advised not to visit at all for at least the first 2 weeks to allow him to settle.

If you'd said she'd not settled after two months I would have still said to give it more time but two weeks is nothing at all. By the third month mum told me that she'd finally reached a point in her life where she was truely happy with no responsibilities. She also thought she worked there which had given her a sense of purpose that she hadn't had in a while.

She will settle, it will take time. I don't think she needs two visitors a day though, you might need to reflect on whether your sister inherited your mum's super power of guilt tripping. If she wasn't that involved before she will have the guilt but maybe without the feeling of the stress lifting. If she wants to go every day then that's on her but potentially there will be stuff going on in the home that your mum is missing out on during visits. You might ask for a copy of the activity programme (mum's home had one, MIL's doesn't) to check that you're not visiting during bingo or film afternoon.

It is a difficult time but it's not as if you had a choice. Book a holiday, start doing those things you couldn't do while caring, make the focus of your life you because I bet it's revolved around your mum for years.

We visit MIL no more than once a week, sometimes nearer a fortnight. We also find short visits of about half an hour seem to work for her. Have something ready to show or tell her about. Leave before she gets agitated - once she starts asking about going home we tend to draw it to a close.. This distracts her from getting upset and it's better to leave on a good note.

@achara
Your sister obviously has inherited the guilt tripping gene 🤣
As @twinings2 said, take a step back.
Mil has been in care about ten weeks and is giving her daughters the full works. If it was me I’d go once a week for the first month. It just allows her to settle.
My DM has been in care for seven years and you see lots of families going through what you are experiencing. It must be a relief not to worry as much afyer the last chaotic few months

Very rarely do residents get visitors every day or even every week. There's many good reasons for this. It's kinder on you. Your mom won't recognise if she saw you recently or not. Sadly In cases of dementia time seems to have very little meaning anymore. Let the home take the weight off you.

@achara Have you asked the care home how she is when you are not there?

I found a lot of new residents moaned/screamed/ranted you name it at their relatives during visiting. But the minute they left, those residents were happily drinking tea, playing cards, enjoying a sing along, happy petting visiting animals etc.