How to tell wife

I think there is no harm in tactfully telling your wife that this is becoming untenable. She clearly does feel it too, even though she may be reluctant to admit to it.

She is not the first who ever ended up trying to take care of an elderly parent with declining health and found it impossible, or at least way, way, way harder than she could ever have imagined. It happened to us when my Dad was very ill at the start of last year, and I barely lasted four days. It was hell on earth even though my parents already had carers. The care company involved the adult social services crisis team.

Could you suggest that an assessment be done for your MIL's needs by adult social services? They might have a crisis team in your area you could call.

Perhaps one step at a time. Could carers coming into your home daily be an option for now? My mother has very limited mobility and has carers coming to her at home three times a day. Firstly at 7am to help her get up and to get breakfast done, then at midday to do lunch and then again around 5.30pm to do her tea. She does have to self-fund though, and it isn't cheap, but it is an absolute lifeline for her, for me and for my sister.

Depending on MIL's means, she may be entitled to some basic care before she needs to start paying.

Beyond that, she will need residential care.

So, involve adult social services, and maybe also a good, independent financial adviser.

It sounds really really tough. You will have to have an open honest discussion with your wife. How old is your MIL? My great grandparents lived in my home growing up for a while and both lived to 94 but were well able to do most things for themselves. My GGM went to a home for the last 6 months it was too much for my GM, family visited her daily, we were lucky it was close by. It's ok to look for help.

An honest chat is the way to go. Calmly and quietly explain how you feel and remember to listen and reflect on what she says. Ask she does the same for you.
I don’t think you are being unreasonable and I think I nice care home would be best all round as you both need to consider your own physical and mental health. Good luck 🤞

This happened to at least 2 friends
Even though it was obvious from the start a care home was the answer it went on a long time
They still ended up in a care home. And all was well.

Have an honest conversation without putting your foot down about putting her in a home.

Communicate how the current situation is adversely affecting you, your wife, your relationship without coming across as MIL is just a burden. Include that you care about MIL.

Discuss alternative care solutions to the current situation.

Your wife will probably be relieved if you make that decision and tell her you can't cope with it anymore. I'm sure she feels the same but possibly obligation and guilt stopping her saying it. Get a social services assessment ASAP or if self funding Age UK in my area has a placement advisory service to assist you find a suitable place. Your entitled to a life yourselves and I'm sure your too exhausted to enjoy it💐

It sounds as if the two of you are getting to the stage where you cannot care for MiL safely or well any more. Does she get to see any other people apart from your wife and you? In a care home, she would. Are you trained to lift her, protect her from pressure sores? Do you have cover for if you are unwell yourselves? You get that in a care home, as well as knowing that the people caring at night are not the same, exhausted, people doing the daytime care.

The thing so many people here say (see the "Cockroach Cafe" thread) is that when their parent goes to live in a care home, they can go back to being their DAUGHTER instead of their carer, and can spend quality time together rather than feeding and changing and AND AND AND!

It's tough though because it's one more step towards the end... even though it may actually improve MiL's quality of life . Everyone likes to have "their place"...

Maybe you could speak to the GP or social services to find out what else could be available for her. She must be into her 80s now?

Yes do tell her you cannot do it anymore. Possible solution include paid careers or a home. No one can make you do physical care and neither should you have to feel obliged to do so. Every time MIL falls, call 111 to lift safely. Do not continue to lift her or you risk your own physical health.

Your wife might find it helpful to not have to make the decision herself. Agree with the starting with carers (and she might say no, but if it's carers or a home..)

You can say you are finding it unbearable and that you think a home would be better but you can't order it

Maybe you could start by getting carers in if she refuses to go into a home. I don't think I would want to be doing intimate care for a relative.

Dont 'tell her' - discuss and resolve the issue together. You're not the boss.

Just have an honest chat. It can be the beginning of discussions, you don’t have to jump to the end and rush a decision. But it does sound untenable.