What do you wish that your parents has put in place when they were still fit and healthy?

I wish my dad had sorted out his paperwork before he died. I’m a whizz at it and computer hacking. But omg it still
took me two weeks to sort and track everything down and then get it in order, just so we knew where the money was for my mum and before we got a solicitor involved. Never did find out what one direct debit I cancelled was for.

My mum died quite suddenly and unexpectedly in February. Despite our best efforts (she had some health concerns but nothing prepared us for this) but refused to write a will or apply for POA.

Fortunately she had been decluttering for quite some time so there weren't loads of things to have to deal with.

One thing I'm going to do is streamline all my finances - all in one bank if possible. I'm meticulous about filing paperwork (yes I prefer paper to online) and if anything happens to me I have everything listed on one sheet of paper.

My will is written but needs updating

Set up a joint account with a trusted friend/dp/adult dc to hold funds for the funeral (that was a significant breaking point, trying to withdraw funds from my mum's account for her funeral)

POA for health and finances

Living will - so that my dc don't have to worry about what my thoughts are on DNR etc

Donor card awareness

Massive declutter

Future prrof by downsizing to one easy access living level (maybe with wetroom rather than bath) and definitely declutter (donate, chuck out, or keep).
POA, will (and DNR, or not)
Decent filing system for paperwork with list of passwords. Not envelopes shoved in a pile down the side of the sofa or in kitchen drawers!

I'm reading this timely list as MIL is very unwell and we're about to manage some of the above again as she is very resistent to anyone "knowing her business".
We've also been decluttering our own home so that DC dont have such a mess to deal with in the future. Its so much harder to go sort and arrange somelifes lifeadmin whilst grieving, working and raising a young family.

My mum had bought and arranged her own funeral. It was the only thing she had done and I was so grateful she had. All the stress of what music, what her choices would be for so many of the things were taken off our shoulders, as the funeral home had it all written down. Bless her for that.

My mother refuses to declutter, saying that I can do it when she’s gone. She moved from a large 4 bed house to a small 2 bed bungalow over 20 years ago, and simply moved everything across. The garage and loft are full of junk, particularly furniture that won’t fit in her house (dining table for 12, plus chairs, huge amount of garden furniture and gazebos). She has at least four dinner services, a dozen egg cups, goodness knows how many tablecloths…

I wish our relatives had been more proactive in preparing for old age like decluttering and downsizing. The house became difficult to maintain as they became infirm. They also had the unspoken expectation that a relative would move hundreds of miles to them in order to look after them.

Sourcing decent care homes with nursing care facilities and asking if they have a waiting list and checking what paperwork and items the relatives need for entry. Covid has reduced staffing capacity in the industry so there’s long waiting lists in recommended homes.

Lastpass does have that feature but not sure if you have to have the premium version (I do) - if the subscription payment comes from a card or account belonging to someone who has died and expires while you are sorting everything out that could be a problem. But hopefully you would pick that up from an email.

I’ve thought about this too even though we are in our 30s.

Definitely Swedish death cleansing, I’m dreading my hoarder PIL dying.

Look into assisted living scheme. There are a few near us including one with my parents think is amazing and they have friends there but they won’t consider moving there.

Passwords, not applicable at her advanced age.
Decluttering, she never did that.
Photos, in hand.

Ooh, this is a timely thread.

I have an very elderly relative but she is in good health currently.
I need to wade through this thread.

It is timely because this week, I suddenly decided to get the ball rolling. Does my relative want to donate her organs[she was of the opinion that the elderly are not used, but I have found this not to be true]. And does she want to be resucitated? Not heard back on that one yet.

I wish they had moved to a bungalow and closer to us.
we found them an ideal one and my Mum was up for it but my sdad wasn’t. Now she’s stuck in a wheelchair and if she asks him to bring her here he “doesn’t feel well enough”

Hmmm…prompted by this post I’ve looked at my Dashlane account and it appears they have retired their ‘emergency contact access’ feature without telling me!

I’m going to switch to a different password manager (Nordpass or Lostpass) as it was one of the key reasons I purchased the app.

Lots of good ideas on this thread What steps do we 50 somethings need to take to avoid the situation many of us find ourselves with our elderly relatives? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/elderly_parents/4269880-what-steps-do-we-50-somethings-need-to-take-to-avoid-the-situation-many-of-us-find-ourselves-with-our-elderly-relatives .

Decluttering is a great thing, as is making a note of names on the back of photos.

Please do. Also only keep paperwork you actually need not stuff from the 60's (yes dear departed dad I'm looking at you....it's a safe bet that those 1960's insurance policies had expired by 2020 when you died). The last thing is give someone you trust your passwords to bank accounts etc, as this can be a nightmare when trying to sort that out (again dad I'm looking at you).

Passwords are a difficult thing with sometimes being forced to change them regularly and being a security risk to write them down. I'd make sure that your DC have any paperwork that belongs to them (birth certificates, exam certs, premium bonds etc.) once they leave home, or put them in an envelope labelled with their name. I've done a list of all my banks & savings, plus accountant & IFA details which I keep up to date - am still waiting for DP to do his despite 3 years of asking. We're also, slowly, doing decluttering.

I wish i had made it clear that my parents are not entitled to project labels on to me, hurt me, and then act like martyred victims of me when i have a reaction to their behaviour.

It still would have been hard tho. They are 77 and 79 now but it was never going to be easy.

My mother feels such entitlement to label me (paranoid, sensitive, angry) but has zero capacity to look at what happened immediately before i got upset.

I just wish id tried to fix my own hurt privately in therapy, but what happened was that being wounded and reactive, when she dismissively glossed over decades of labelling me while simultaneously shaming me for not considering how my mere claim to be hurt really did genuinely hurt her.

I just couldnt stay calm.

A “To be opened in the event of my death” envelope with details of bank accounts, insurance policies solicitors, where the will and house deeds are kept, funeral wishes etc. Basically everything in one place to avoid having to root through everything.

I keep all my passwords on an app called Dashlane. You can nominate someone (in my case DH) who will be allowed access to it in the event of your death.

Is there anything that might be important to your DC later on in life that might not necessarily be talked about.

My DM had a hysterectomy but I never asked her why. My doctor asked not long ago why in case it mattered to my current health (I am almost 50 but didn't know).

If only they'd made notes on the back of all their old black and white photos of who all the people were... I have a huge collection of pictures going back nearly a hundred years, and they are my relatives. I don't know who is who, and there is no-one left alive to ask.🙁

I have all of my passwords stored on NordPass, along with important information e.g. NHS number, passport number, licence number, NI number, home/car insurance references and dates of renewal... etc. I would make sure that my master password is passed on so that my kids could have access to that information. (I might actually go and write it down now for my partner!).