What do you wish that your parents has put in place when they were still fit and healthy?

@Popaholic

My mother left me, my sis and my two DC handwritten books of all her favourite recipes. It's a lovely thing to have.

DH and I have been decluttering since LD1, we've given a lot furniture, china, family bits and pieces to the DC. It has been lovely seeing everything in its new home. We just thought why wait until we die, why not give to them now. So we have.

Luckily I had sat down with my father before he died and written the names, approximate date and place on lots and lots of family photos. I have also been writing down all family stories / history I can remember being told from being a child until my parents and family died. I've been sharing stories and photos with my cousins and SiLs.

I just dealt with the "last death" of the previous generation in my family.

For me some great things mum did in her last years:

• write out as much of the family tree as she could and talk me through it

• hand write all the family favourite recipes in a lovely book I can treasure

• leave me a lovely note telling me how proud you are and some of your favourite memories from your life and your hopes and wishes for the future of our family.

• leave your Christmas card list somewhere prominent so I can try to write to your many, many friends and let them know you died

• declutter sensibly but don't chuck everything out. Let me know if you are holding onto an item because it belonged to granny or was a treasured souvenir from your honeymoon. You don't have to say "keep it if I die" but at least make sure i know why I might wish to.

• go through "sentimental paperwork" if you can face it. I found my mum had kept too much - old passports, ration books, baby advice leaflets from the 70s, EVERY SINGLE school report and piles of school-related bumpf, and thousands of greetings cards and photos. It was utterly heart-breaking having to sort through and throwing 90% of it away.

• Bills and statements. If you have gone with online billing PLEASE keep a folder with account/policy details -note down WHEN you last updated the list so if you forget to update it at least I know how cold the trail is.

• paper work. My mum kept hard copy of every single bank statement, cheque stub and all paper bills - in case I needed to "look back ten years for tax or IHT" - but she had no process for culling the oldest years so it ended up she just kept EVERYTHING and the notes were undated so I couldn't work out which investment funds and accounts were still active.

• have one single file that is labelled "emergency/end of life". It should talk about any funerary arrangements or insurance you have in place; your wishes for your funeral and remains; where to find the original Will. I also found it incredibly helpful that my mum had left a folder of her own thoughts, Bible passages, favourite poems and songs/music- not for her funeral but to help me weather the bereavement. It was a bitter-sweet thing to find, but as I ploughed through the administrative nightmare of her death, listening to music she loved and reading her notes on how to care for the rose bushes, it felt like she was still with me a while longer. Cathartic as I knew she was prepared for her mortal life ending and had considered how I would cope and how she could help.

Things she didnt do I wish she had:

• tell me if things in the house are broken, even if I seem busy and unable to help please tell me so I can try. I'd rather know that the blind in the kitchen is bust and won't stay shut to the bottom and the shower head isnt working quite right any more. Most devastatingly, I wish I'd known you didnt have the strength to change your duvet cover, and had been simply lying the duvet between a sheet and a duvet cover.

Move to somewhere they can manage when they can't manage the stairs.

ie no steps to the front door, downstairs loo and downstairs sleeping area

@wonkylegs I am going through similar. We are beginning to sort POA for DM over DF. I was put as a back up.should DM become incapable of managing it. The drama that unfolded when DB found out was something to behold! Due to this the POA was torn up and DM has no control over DF finances at all. I was accused of all sorts and tbh there is no going back after some of the things were said. It was explained I didn't have POA, I was a back up only, that there was no financial benefit etc unfortunately DB is a bit thick and assumes everyone is like him and out for themselves.

The mention of POA sends shivers down my spine now, I know it needs to be done but I refuse to be involved. The problem is DB wants to be involved but is idle, he wants his name on the paper but we all know he would not assist in any way at all hence he was not included before.

I have begged my DM to get a proper will not the one she has on a scrap of paper and get her LPA done however she wants but please do this properly. I am absolutely dreading having to deal with all this anyway but know DB will make it 100 times worse just for the hell of it.

Know when to give up driving.
Easy to maintain property, level access shower, no thresholds between lounge, bedroom and shower/toilet. Easy level access in and out of property. Declutter. Use a careline. No thick carpets, non slip laminate flooring (easier to use walking aids, wheelchairs, wipe up urine) Really good lighting as our vision nosedives as we age. Contrasting colours help with visual loss and dementia.

adding-

• list of people and contact details to be informed of death and/or invited to funeral
• talk to your children about what you want. Before you totally declutter check what they might like. Don’t throw out photos!
• make sure you organise for your life insurance pension etc to be written into trust for your beneficiaries so it bypasses the estate and goes direct to them

I'm a bit resentful towards my DMIL and her DH who were in complete denial of their changing needs and abilities and declining health in their late 70s.
They were very kind and had the funds to maintian their crumbling old house, and for the 25 years I knew them were explicitly asked to make heating, plumbing and electricity safer by their children, who offered to help plan and manage these neccessary changes.
Didn't happen.
None of the (middle aged) children lived near, and by the time the elderly couple needed carers the house was deemed unsafe (imagine 1940s standard + 60 years of dodgy DIY) and things had to be sorted by my DH remotely during lockdown. It was one crisis after another and the stress was huge.
After they moved into a care home, the decluttering cost DH and siblings more time, money and stress than I wish to think about.
I never want to inflict that type of avoidable stress on my children at a time when they should be focusing on their own families and careers and trying to enjoy life.
I'm determined to downsize to something single story and managable in my 60s.

hey @Fishandchipbutty do you wanna share your A4 list ?

I wish my mum had been clear with the whole family about her arrangements both for health and finances.
My siblings blame me for all sorts of stuff when I'm just enacting mums wishes and the responsibilities she gave me as POA
I have spent the past few years getting some of the most foul abuse and accusations. I have nearly walked away a few times but mum is now so frail and helpless I can't trust that they would do the right thing for her (I guess that's what she thought too by leaving all the responsibly y to me) - I really am dreading her death as she has made me the executor of her unequal and chaotic will and I will be blamed for it all (I don't receive anything in it, although I've already been told I'm just doing it all for my inheritance that I have stolen from them all - apparently selling mums house to pay for her care was stealing from them)
Family can be irrational when people haven't been effectively communicated to.

That he’d kept his “green form” with his other car stuff so I could scrap his car easily.

For new houses, maybe. I find it hard to believe that someone has scanned the complete bundle of deeds going back to 1900 or beyond.

Mum and Dad moved into sheltered accommodation near the town centre before Dad’s Parkinsons got difficult. This helped enormously later on. Smaller, on one level, easy to use walk in shower, help available 24/7, catered dining room for lunch available, 2 minute walk to shops and doctors / dentists when Dad could no longer drive. Dad has since died, Mum is already in a lovely flat and knows lots of the neighbours. I know where all the financial stuff is. And we got a POA which so far we haven’t needed.

Not if you've lived in the same house since the 1950s or 60s, which is the case for many of.our parents

Re house deeds -- I paid off mortgage about 10 years ago and was told by mortgage company all deeds were now online ( ? with land rsgisitry) and hard copies no longer sent.

Not just writing down funeral wishes, but making sure they are discoverable. My mum had told me her funeral wishes were written down but we didn’t find the notebook they were written in until months after the event. We got absolutely nothing right :(

We had found the will easily enough - I wish her funeral wishes had been with the will instead of written in one notebook in a house full of notebooks!

My mother has an envelope in certain place in her house. Within that is a copy of her will, and various notes of other things such as what banks she uses, what insurances, notes of a few specific things that are not to be included in her estate - why and who they should go to etc. (Sentimental rather than valuable). I do not know the full contents of this envelope and have said I do not want to - I just need to know its there.

My MIL had a prepaid funeral with the co-op. That was fabulous. It was all set up, what she wanted etc. So all we had to do was activate it and add the flowers... so much easier than having to work out what she wanted. You can do a plan for this even if you don't want to pay for it at this point.

POAs definitely a must. I took over MILs admin maybe a year before she died (DH and BIL had POA) and I set up an email address and had all her bills etc sent there. (That way DH and BIL could access too if they were bothered- don't think they did!)

I wouldn't worry too much about sharing passwords as most companies won't talk to you even with passwords, (if you have POA you are set up with your own for banks etc) and have a specific dept for dealing with deaths where they take instructions from next of kin etc. You can't remove funds from banks using a dead person's login as that leaves you open to problems- even if you are the next of kin etc it has to be done through the proper channel. That said access to your email/phone would be helpful if you are 'dependant' on them... not so much of an issue with many older folks.

I wish they had gone through all the ancient black and white photos going back to the beginning of the 20th century, and written the names of the people on the back.

I've got photos of my family from over 100 years ago. I don't know who is who, and there is nobody left alive to ask.

My mum had surgery and didn't come around from the anaesthetic for 3 days, during that time the doctors warned us we may have to make some difficult decisions about what to do if she was in a persistent vegetative state.

She eventually came round but this prompted me to make an advance decision, if I am ever in that state (or otherwise lose capacity) I want my loved ones to know what I want to happen - Compassion in Dying have a free step by step website for setting it up.

It's a personal thing though - my Mum doesn't wish to set one up for herself and that's absolutely her right, hopefully we won't be in a position where one is useful but if we are we will do our best.

oh and access to their mobiles and emails was important. I needed to be able to inform their friends (whose contact details weren’t written down) and was able to identify additional things they had on contract that way.

Moving houses and down sizing. They still haven't done this

Too much clutter

My parents both died very suddenly at a relatively young age in close proximity (covid). I was grateful they had up to date wills and I knew where they were stored, that they had written down the hymns they wanted at their funerals and that they had a list of all their bank accounts and income. They’d also recently decluttered in anticipation of an impending move. They did both sign POA while they were in hospital but passed away before they were registered. Fortunately they were both able to express their wishes about ventilation / DNR while they were still able to.

It’s very helpful to arrange with your relative to give the GP surgery permission to allow you to make appointments, check results, follow up referrals to hospitals, arrange routine check ups, manage medication prescriptions, etc.

Similarly, if they are attending hospital as an in- or outpatient, relatives can authorise them to speak to you.

It is helpful to be able to clarify things with GP and hospital if relative becomes ill or just simply overwhelmed with ill health and confusion or anxiety, you can then speak on their behalf which is often beneficial to the medics as you might give a better picture of what your relative’s problems, symptoms or needs are. Often elderly people ‘don’t like to be a bother’, or to ‘cause a fuss’ and lose judgement or objectivity about their circumstances.

When first managing my recently widowed Father affairs when he was quite poorly and incapable of managing his own affairs, I set up an email address and switched banking and bills to online so that I could manage them for him from afar. This also relieved him of fretting each time a bill landed on the doormat. Similarly, I added his credit card details to my Amazon and Tesco accounts so that I can order anything he needs. Every month I show him the spending and make sure he has cash to pay the window cleaner, etc. so he still feels involved, but doesn’t have the worry and responsibility. He “helps” me with the monthly credit card bill reconciliation so feels he is still in control with me doing his admin. My 2 sisters are happy with this arrangement and help in more practical ways as I live too far away, so it’s a good balance between us sharing out the job of supporting him.

So helpful!
I've made a list (1 side of A4!) from all the PP responses on here and have scheduled getting my backside into gear for my personal and legal admin next week! 😉

I would like to know where my mum would have liked her ashes scattered. She had dementia so at the end we couldn't have this conversation. My father was scattered in their back garden decades ago, but this is now a housing estate so not appropriate now. She's currently in my dining room in a cupboard.