Anyone successfully done the ‘time to downsize’ conversation?

To my utter astonishment - yes. We've just been through this process with my parents. DSis and I basically went on holiday with them for a week, and pursued it relentlessly. It felt a bit cruel, as DM was quite upset by the whole thing, though luckily DF got more on board. They're mid-70s, so not really elderly, but health problems meant that looking after the big house and garden was difficult, and the biggest factor for DM was the lack of public transport and the fact that she really wanted to give up her car.

The key was to latch on to the couple of main benefits and just repeat them over and over again, very calmly and patiently. DM's memory is starting to go, and she has anxiety, so there were lots of very cyclical conversations which made us want to scream. The other key was that we very fortunately found them the perfect house - which made it harder for DM to resist. The actual process was very intense and stressful, because every little conveyancing niggle became a huge drama and a reason to pull out, and I thought it would never actually happen. But amazingly, only 4 months after the initial conversation, they moved.

A word of warning - I don't think DM will ever quite forgive us for making her move away from the family home - she misses it hugely, and she blames us. Which is a bit sad. But the benefits are so incredibly obvious, and the consequences of them staying (esp if anything happened to DF) would have been far worse.

Failing miserably here

DM does want a bungalow and had a fall downstairs earlier this year

However, she has a wishlist of things that are not necessary, some more than she has now in her 4 bed semi and the like of which she could never afford

I have tried to get her head round the fact that she's not looking for her dream home, she would never in a million years buy the one she lives in if she was buying now (huge list of issues!) and she just needs something more suitable than current

Every option we suggest is shot down with a myriad of reasons

Her DP is 10 years younger and very change averse

I am not envisioning it will happen any time soon

Yes: 2 years ago my mother was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s. She and my father were 5 hours’ drive away and I have several young children. Their home was too big and unmanageable and was falling apart around them. I managed to arrange power of attorney and deal with a complicated financial situation to buy them a bungalow 15 minutes drive away, which is such a relief. To be honest, I talked them into it and have no regrets. Now I can pop in and help out whenever there is a crisis, large or small. Mind you, that can be a double-edged sword and I find my father phoning frequently panicking about very minor things, wanting me to drop whatever I’m doing to go and sort out his every issue immediately.

The moving process was a nightmare though. Despite me sending them boxes via Amazon and asking every couple of weeks how their decluttering and packing was going (yes! Making good progress! Of course we will be ready!!), my husband, my eldest daughter and my brother turned up with a hired van on their moving date and barely a box was packed. It was unbelievable. They slogged away all Friday evening and Saturday and took across the necessary stuff, but had to leave a lot behind. They had to take time off work to go back a second time to deal with the rest. I think they made 4 trips to the dump in the end. It was impossible for me to go through to help pack up with my children in school and a young baby at home, but I was able to get their new home sorted for them at this end. If I hadn’t done it all, they would definitely not have budged from their big mouldy house, and the inheritance that came to my mum just a few weeks before completing the house purchase (most went on the new house) would likely have been blown on odd stuff rather than going to make their lives more comfortable.

The PoA conversation was very easy with mum: she was very willing to grant it to me and my sister although it took many months once all the forms had been submitted for it to be granted. Part of the difficulty in getting them to make a decision on moving was that some of my siblings are in a different part of the country and my parents refused to choose where to settle as they claimed it would look like favouritism if they were closer to one rather than another. I think it was more inertia and both of them have really lost the ability to weigh up pros and cons to arrive at decisions.

I did have some conversations asking them what would happen if there was a crisis and all their children were hours and hours away and couldn’t help. But it really came down to me taking the initiative, looking for properties, viewing them and telling my parents what I thought. My husband backed me up fully and his opinion as a man had more weight with my father at least! There isn’t an easy way to go about this kind of process and it was and is a huge burden. I hope you find a way to help them help themselves before any crisis occurs.

Posts from PPs send shivers down my spine in relation to my very unfit and increasingly unwell, and very unsensible, in-laws.
They are early 70s but more or less immobile, just managing to get to the car on the driveway, but no further.

They live in the middle of nowhere, in a location that they retired to 10 years ago without any links to the area (the country dream! 🤔) Both kids live several hours away.
Their house is a renovation project that they've barely made progress on in 10 years. But they still think they're capable of finishing it. It's seriously cluttered and dirty, there's mouldy food in the fridge.
There was a once-a-day bus service when they moved in, but it's been scrapped, so they're totally stranded without a car. There's no shop or pub in the village.
They refuse to even accept that they are ageing, let alone have an adult conversation about their finances, options for old age care, Power of Attorney and so on.
It's going to be hell, with no resolution in sight, other than a bad fall killing them both (which would obviously be devastating).

Tried and failed to get my parents to move to be near to me and downsize. Failed as DF wouldn't move. DF died suddenly and left DM (for whom he was carer) on her own. The s*1t really hit the fan then as none of us lived near her. Result was 2 1/2 years of nightmare for me & DB trying to keep DM safe in her home. She did however relent on the 'no strangers in the house' as she needed carers and she did employ a cleaner.
PIL thankfully took their own decision to move and downsize although their idea of downsizing is not what most people would think! FIL is no longer with us and MIL is insisting on staying in her 3 bed house with stairs and steps all over the place and a 1 acre garden in spite of being 94 and with very poor eyesight. She does employ a cleaner, gardener and handyman now though so not too reliant on family.

Total failure here despite having to move my dad's bed downstairs. He is now bathed by his carers as there's no downstairs shower and they won't get a stairlift. Both parents are adamant that they'll stay in the house one of them dies so I can see them getting to a point soon where they're both living in the downstairs of their 4 bedroom house.

They currently have carers twice a day plus a cleaner and gardener. And me doing hospital/doctor/dentist appointments, DIY, shopping etc.

I did find two flats closer to me that had onsite care and one in their home town which was a perfect 2 bed flat with a wetroom that they could have just moved straight into. Printed off the details for all of them but they refused to entertain the idea of moving and instead I'm stuck with a 50 min drive to get to them when I'm needed.

Total failure here. I tried the line of "do you see yourself living here in ten years time?". Her already limited mobility meant she couldn't reliably get up the steep steps to road level and the bus stop, she couldn't get down the back steps to the garden and with the only toilet being upstairs it meant that she couldn't always get there in time. Although she agreed that it wouldn't be suitable long term she absolutely refused to look at any alternatives. After a series of falls she was deemed to be unsafe at home and discharged from hospital to a care home.

In your case, could they not have a gardener, cleaner, builder and decorator in? It doesn't have to be family that does the work. The challenge is if they can't/won't see that there is anything that needs doing.

Make them aware of how bad the house is getting, how you cannot take it on, and how else they can invest their money. And how desperate families are for family homes - but that invariably falls on deaf ears. I have tried to broach this topic with a family member too, and all they kept saying was ‘it’s making me money though’.

In reality, the house is costing more in upkeep and bills and is becoming a liability.

Have a look at some decent private wealth investors and see if they could be tempted to put their money in there instead.

Failed miserably on many occasions across a 10-15 year campaign.
Crucially, failed on getting POA.
DM with dementia was eventually sectioned. Shortly afterwards, DF (83) died in an avoidable accident in their house. No access to their banking or financials. Had to apply for Guardianship. DM was detained for the whole court process (seven months) in a community hospital as we had no power to have her released to a care home. All our worries and concerns played out in real life.

If you know of someone locally whose parents refused and the inevitable happened, bring that example to your parents. Even better if they know them.

If it's not their idea, and they haven't seen the merit already, it's well nigh impossible.

Following as in a similar situation. PIL are in their 70s with failing health but have a 3 storey house with a garden that they don't use all of and can't cope with.

We live a couple of hours away so it's difficult to help.

They have finally employed a cleaner though!