Anyone successfully done the ‘time to downsize’ conversation?

I tried to encourage my parents to invest in a new build bungalow (to their requirements, mother handicapped) along the road where there was a development, I suggested they rent it till they needed it, or one of them was widowed. They would have kept the same neighbours, habits, post code, & they could afford it.
There was a massively unpleasant argument, "We want to die here"
I said, if nothing else it would be a good safety net & investment
So a few years later my Dad got Alzheimers, & went into a home, mother had to have a live in carer, had a stair lift to get to the Bath, & slowly diminished living in 2 rooms with bed in the dining room, etc
The house got increasingly decrepit.
She couldn't even see her famous garden.
The end.

My MIL needs to move, she is shuffling around in a 4 bed house, its huge, cold, she has no shower. She is alone eith depression/onset dementia.
Her sons are builders, they could build her a lovely bungalow on her own property, she would have the same address, view, neighbours, her GC lives on site to help...
No, not happening.

I said to H, we need to buy a ground floor flat, or flat with a large terrace in neighbouribg town, we would be able to walk to the beach, shops, doctor, chemist, baker, fish from the fishermen's stall on the port.
Rent it out till we need it. We can afford it, it would help our children, it would be better for US. ( or the remaining survivor.)
I said here we can go nowhere without a car
I would be unwilling & likely unable to manage the outdoor acreage alone
It is occasionally cut iff by flooding !!!!!
We can afford it......
He is not being proactive. He looks at me like a hare in headlights. He built the house, its a lovely environment. He has his old buddies & habits.
I think its the "head in the sand syndrome" or I cant face the upheaval, I'll think about it tomorrow , what If I dont like a flat in town, the noise nuisance, miss my daily routine with my little habits
Yes its beautiful here,
Yes we manage (now)

There’s an argument that those who have derived the most from following their dreams are those whose dreams have not seemed practical to their families

That's also true. I still won't be moving to a remote location in retirement though!

My Dad wouldn't move, he insisted he needed a three storey house when he could only eventually use the downstairs. He refused to sell it even after he'd moved in with us and his house had sat empty for 3 years! Good luck ☘️

I suppose that's one explanation but my dreams have always been a bit more based on practicality. There’s an argument that those who have derived the most from following their dreams are those whose dreams have not seemed practical to their families.

Can't imagine why people think that moving away from their GP, Dentist, Shoos etc is a good idea in retirement. Because they’re following a dream that they couldn’t follow earlier in life because of jobs, children

I suppose that's one explanation but my dreams have always been a bit more based on practicality.

They are also in their 80s and I think it’s too late to downsize by then, it’s too much of an upheaval. Not necessarily. My Dad was 83, carved out a new life for himself to the extent that one of the groups he worked with made him an honorary life member.

Just as parents can’t expect their DC to disrupt their lives for them, I think DC can’t expect parents to give up all that is important to them for their DC’s sake. (Of course I’m not saying DCs should have their lives ruined because parents refuse to pay for help and insist DCs do it all)

Can't imagine why people think that moving away from their GP, Dentist, Shoos etc is a good idea in retirement. Because they’re following a dream that they couldn’t follow earlier in life because of jobs, children.

There’s a theme here of retiring to the countryside! I can see why it sounds like a good idea but the reality of non-existent or rubbish public transport, no deliveroo (sort of option of one hot meal a day), and no decent facilities is actually pretty grim when you’re unable to drive.

Yes there's no way I'm moving to a rural location. I quite like being able to walk to the shops/pubs/cafes/restaurants & library. There's a very active community here and regular buses to the Hospital. Can't imagine why people think that moving away from their GP, Dentist, Shoos etc is a good idea in retirement.

My DPs decided to downsize and chose a complex about half a mile from where they lived with local shops and takeaway nearby abs a regular bus service. So, so glad they did as they were beginning to struggle and wouldn't entertain having a gardener.

It’s very difficult. My in laws are struggling yet
close down every conversation about moving. They have no downstairs loo.

They are also in their 80s and I think it’s too late to downsize by then, it’s too much of an upheaval.

I do think it’s actually quite selfish to leave it this late. It becomes a huge worry for their DCs.

My mum moved from our family house soon after we left and bought a bungalow in her 60s.

I had that conversation with my parents they both agreed and I spent months finding suitable places with options for assisted living. Basically they had initially agreed to placate me but had absolutely no intention of moving. Sorry...

With my parents I totally failed at this. In fact it just made them go and buy a bigger house. with MIl I changed tack. I pressed her to help her neighbours (also v elderly) with shopping etc. she refused, so I pointed out that it was totally unfair to expect them or us to help her. We were driving cross country from wales to east anglia at the time on a weekly basis. Her home was also needing major building work due to lack of maintenance. Dh took her to see
various new builds and she saw the light. She went into a sheltered housing type place and had care on site and we could at least relax over maintenance and nighttime falls etc. Dh had a few years of being her son rather than a panicked carer. (I was the hated dil who made her move - small price to pay!)

Family members did with my parents and in-laws. As with many people one person was resistant each time and the long-term impact of this has been significant for the other one. I'm angry.

My Dad was in a large 4 bed rented house, with a huge garden. His eyesight was starting to fail (diabetes) and it was in a hell of state...... plus he couldn't afford the gas/electricity to keep it warm. Thankfully there was a small crisis in that a bathroom had a major leak and was going to cost the landlord a small fortune to sort out as they'd done no maintenance in the 20 years that Dad had lived there (and paid their mortgage off on). So the LL decided to sell as they weren't returning to the UK. It made Dad have to move out, I cried with relief when he got the letter as I was so stressed over it.

Mind you, he refused to pack or downsize any of the stuff he has (he's a low lever hoarder) so moving him was an absolute nightmare and it's now all crammed into a tiny 2 bed flat..... he's been warned twice about it by his current letting agent so that's the current battle. We also had to guarantor his rent which DH wasn't very impressed about.

My elderly ma decided she needed to move about a year ago and had very mixed feelings about leaving her house - and had no energy to do the actual move which means all the decluttering has fallen to the rest of the family. However she has now moved and is having the time of her life in a retirement complex with masses of activities laid on, daily meals provided and more social life than she has had in years. She has not yet said she wished she had moved years ago but I think that is the reality.

Additional bonus, where before she was tottery, frail, slow and wary of going out, as living in an area with nearby schools surrounded by younger people and lots of traffic, she is now active and sprightly (because surrounded by people on mobility scooters or walking frames and in a safe, level site) which has boosted her ego no end (not that it needed a boost)…

Failed miserably. As a result my MIL is now in her second year of being bed bound in her tiny, almost windowless front room. Her house is full of crap, it's close to hoarding. Full of stuff she bought for her grandkids literally 10 years ago and forgot she had, and unopened QVC deliveries. She still refuses to move.

Success story here.

Mum lived in a 3-bed house 180 miles away. When she was in her 90s and things were getting difficult I did some local research and worked out what she could afford if she came to live in my town. Next time she came to stay I told her we were off to the garden centre, but really took her to see a sheltered housing bungalow nearby. Initially she was pretty po-faced but she had to be polite in front of the estate agent. I presented it as 'just a thought' 'something to think about' 'if you'd been thinking about it...' etc. She thought about it, we looked at other sorts of places, and by the end of the visit the Plans were Laid.

Chapter Two - decluttering and selling her home...

I've started to gift copies of The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning by Margareta Magnusson along with birthday cards. It's a little volume of profound good sense. Suitable for any age group, not necessarily the elderly. De-clutter when you are fit is the key.
Slowly working through my own home. Did our POA at 55. I'm absolutely in the same camp as Knota.
Sympathies to everyone with friends and family who are in denial about the ageing process.

Yes.
My mum. 76.
Died died 8 years ago and her health has declined a great deal since.
During 2020 and the 1st lockdown she really struggled. 3 bed house. Front and back garden.
I gently broached her selling up and looking at sheltered accommodation.
At first it was a no.
Then she realised that she already only lived in 4 rooms and was struggling on the stairs.(I'm pretty sure she fell more than once)
So, she sold up and moved into a ground floor flat in a sheltered accommodation complex literally 2 minutes walk from where she lived.
It's been great and I'm very grateful to her for doing this whilst she could.
Heating bill tiny (communal heating)
Emergency call buttons in each room, wet room.
We decorated throughout for her and its lovely.
I'm so very sorry for those of you going through such difficulties. My pils will be the same, sadly :(

I've lived rurally for thirty years and I'll be retiring into town. It's fine if you can drive but otherwise it's an hour on the bus to the hospital and they run every hour (except when they don't). I'll be looking to live somewhere with decent public transport rather than lovely views.

Mostly successful.
PIL lived rurally in an area with no facilities in walking distance and virtually no public transport. Approx 3 hours drive away, no other family.
They had an idyllic active retirement there. But hitting their late 70's we started having conversations about the future. My Mum, albeit much younger was in poor health but lived near us. We were able to talk to them about wills and POA which they did put into place.
They finally decided to move in their mid 80's and refused to let DH have any involvement. FIL I think wanted to prove he was still capable. Packing their house was a nightmare. So much stuff. Parents borderline hoarders. DH very stressed as his parents needed a lot of help by this point and were a long way away.
They declined to move nearer to us and wanted to stay in the same area but in a town. The first time I saw their new house I thought, nice but tricky if either of them get mobility issues. Turned out MIL was already struggling with stairs.
They lived there fairly happily for the next few years but FIL admitted that he had made a mistake and wished they had moved nearer. Unfortunately it took him being terminally ill to realise why living nearer would have been helpful and whilst we tried to facilitate them moving (looking at renting while selling their house) his illness was swift and he died.
We then had an extremely difficult few months/years when it quickly became apparent that MIL also had dementia much more advanced than they had admitted and she couldn't live (or be left) alone. Then Covid happened!

My IL’s moved to a bungalow out of town with a large garden, one bus a day, but at that point he could drive. Fast forward to when he could no longer do the garden but wouldn’t pay for a gardener, so DH spent nearly all day there on his days off. Then FIL had his licence removed so DH then had to drive them round on days off too.
Then we had years of bad behaviour, ending in SS getting involved and forcing the remaining one into a home. Now DH still has to maintain the house as it won’t be sold until MIL dies.
Absolute nightmare, and has impacted on family time and our relationship.

I know what you're saying, but I think it's possible to accentuate the positives, by focusing on what they can do once they're older, not what they can't - that's certainly what we tried to do, as kindly as possible. At the old house, mum was increasingly dependent on dad to take her anywhere, because she loathed driving and would have stopped very soon regardless - and he's out quite a lot. Now, she can walk to the library, the (very nice) shops, the cafes, the hairdresser, or even to the station to get the train up to London for the day, which she loves. Before, she'd look out at her garden deteriorating gradually, because she just wasn't able to tackle it. Now, she's got a nice but very manageable garden where she can make it look lovely with very little physical effort. We just tried to keep reminding her of those positives. But even though the case for downsizing was getting stronger day by day, DM was if anything becoming more reluctant (partly as her health and energy started to wane), and DSis and I had a strong sense that it was now or never - that if we couldn't get them to move now, then they never would, until a crisis struck.

Gosh @putitonaplate I just can’t imagine how that conversation would go. My parents live in a rural house that they literally built themselves. My mum might be sensible enough to see the advantages of moving (Where they are had no public transport and no services at all) but my dad would never agree. Moving for no reason other than that they are “too old” to stay where they are? He would never forgive us if we tried what you did!

The only carrot for lots of older people might be moving closer to an adult child - but nobody in our family actually wants that - we are not a “drop in / tea every Friday / visit every Sunday” kind of family. Plus i live abroad and my sister lives city centre.