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Elderly parents
Original poster

I want to throw in the towel please help

109 replies

LeeMucklowesCurtains · 28/04/2022 14:06

I’m sorry if this is disjointed and makes no sense.

My dad has been in a care home since December last year, vascular dementia.

The place he’s in is £1200 a week. He’s got a flat to sell that’s on the market for 125 and about 40k in savings.

He moved to the home hes in a couple of months ago, he was in another home at first that the local authority put him into after the hospital admission where he was finally diagnosed with dementia after I had to put up a fight (he was quite far gone, but despite that, medical professionals kept telling me he was fine).

That home was awful, they were shut for a month due to covid so we couldn’t see him. When we did, he had lost stones in weight, he was covered in sores and bruises.

We found somewhere better and he’s gained all the weight back there and is doing better.

We were trying to set up deferred payment, I don’t know what happened but things have been lost in translation with the finance side and they called sent me an invoice for the 12,000 he owes since being there and said they would start legal proceedings if it wasn’t paid.

I managed to sort that out and we are speaking to them again trying to set up deferred payment (I took my eye off the ball as I’ve been going through cancer investigations) but I’m so confused going forward.

Going with the care home as it’s interest free for deferred payment rather than the council.

His flat has been on the market 6 weeks, I’m terrified something will go wrong and it won’t sell. The market here is awful.

When I was speaking to them today I was asking about worst case - he doesn’t get the money etc.

Apparently I signed a form as guarantor. I can’t remember what I signed, it was the day before a scan I was having and I was terrified and my dad was sat in the room screaming and hallucinating and I just wanted him moved in there and out of the place that had neglected him.

My husband has hit the roof over that, what if something went wrong and we lost the little we do have because of my dad.

We’ve only just managed to buy our first house in our 40s with a massive struggle, we don’t have a pot to piss in to be frank, what if they came after me for money?

I’m so stressed that honestly, at this moment i just want to revoke the power of attorney, call adult social care and make it their problem. They can move him where they like, sell his house and keep all his money, I can’t do this anymore.

I don’t know what I am doing, I am so sick and it’s all just me, no one will explain anything or help me. Everyone just wants things from me all the time.9

I’ve not even done anything about stuff like his council tax, I don’t know how to sign his shit old car over to me. I need to keep it as it’s all he talks about all the tim and if he didn’t see it on my drive once a week when he comes here, it would cause him so much distress.

He only completed on his flat in December. The sale of his last place and buying this flat near me took almost a year because of the other people in the chain messing around - he was showing no signs of dementia when he was first moving here, he deteriorated so fast. so land registry isn’t even in his name yet which is what caused the problems with the care home and the deferred payment - they didn’t believe it was his to sell. I’ve sent them relevant paperwork.

Everything is such a huge mess and I don’t know what to do. I can’t cope with it all and seeing him like this.

I’ve spoken to three solicitors who have all told me different things too.

And age U.K. which is who everyone recommends to talk to we’re all but useless and told me something different to everyone else too.

OP posts:
LollyLol · 28/04/2022 14:36

You make perfect sense, and you post oozes stress and anxiety. I'm not surprised you feel overwhelmed.

It sounds like the Finance side of the Carehome probably has a chugging admin process spewing out payment reminders which doesnt take account of your deferred payment in the pipeline. That's not surprising. I wouldnt be surprised if they ask again in a few months. See if they can put a note on your account, but if they can't just accept: rubbish idiot system, NOT likely to go legal on you. ( I've had to tell TV Licensing three times that my mum is dead - despite using the "Tell us Once" service!).

Regarding being Guarantor, I would arrange to speak to the Carehome director and explain you did not appreciate the significance of that document and would not have signed it if you had fully appreciated its significance. Ask what's required to remove your name as Guarantor. Maybe they want a lump sum in advance or something g - so when you sell the house you could organise that, and then you can tell your DH you've got a plan to exit the Guarantee arrangement.

I'm currently in a not dissimilar position with my late mum's estate being bogged down in tasks that make no sense, forms that are unnecessarily complicated and emotionally wanting to avoid even thinking about it, and feeling really alone. I broke down a month ago because, 6 months on, the mountain just seems bigger than ever and I didnt feel like I had any support. I got some help, even just a little bit of help made me think I had someone interested in my own wellbeing.

Make a list of all the things you think you need to do. Pick one item on the list to do each day during your lunch hour. And make a folder with all your notes and documents in, putting your list at the front of the file. Whenever you have a phone call or meeting, add the details to your notes.

You will feel a lot more in control and probably the jobs won't seem so daunting.

Original poster
LeeMucklowesCurtains · 28/04/2022 14:32

I trying to apply for attendance allowance but i
don’t know his national insurance number. He burned all his documents as he was paranoid someone would take all his money.

Thankfully his passport and driving licence were in his car or selling his house would be even more of a headache.

He never actually moved into his flat. So nothing has been set up there yet.

I don’t know what to do about anything.

I’m a bit thick incase no one noticed, which doesn’t help things.

OP posts:
Original poster
LeeMucklowesCurtains · 28/04/2022 14:29

Beamur · 28/04/2022 14:18

How overwhelming. No wonder you're at the end of your tether.
One thing at a time.
Your Dad is safe.
Once the flat sells the finance side is sorted.
Is it the new care home pressing you for payment? Presumably this is being pursued because of the snag with the Land Registry. They might be worried that they have taken on someone who can't pay. Have you got a solicitor handling that, or a timeline from the Land Registry?
Given how quickly your Dad has declined, maybe a call to Adult Social Services might be worth doing?
There may be services or benefits he could access through them.
Have you had the results for your own tests?

Adult social care don’t give a crap because he’s self funding.

They we’re only involved because he was unsafely discharged from hospital. They guilt tripped me into taking him home (back to my house as before he completed on the flat he now owns, he was 3 hours away). That night he set ire to my kitchen and almost killed us sleeping upstairs.

So they finally agreed something was wrong with him, got a diagnosis when he was in hospital for smoke inhalation and found him a place in a care home with them funding a re ablement package for 8 weeks. As soon as their funding was up, they discharged him from social worker as he’s a self funder.

I can afford a solicitor. I’ve only spoken to the few I could find who deal with this under a free half hour.

I haven’t spoken to land registry, assume who ever the solicitor the estate agent has found will do all that - I know I sound passive but I am not coping with anything.

I’m still having some tests.

OP posts:
tothemoonandbackbuses · 28/04/2022 14:24

Is he getting attendance allowance and all other benefits he’s entitled to.
ring the council and explain why his flat is empty and some councils will allow a few months break from paying.
the water company won’t charge you if the house is empty.
not sure about gas and electricity but worth asking the suppliers

tothemoonandbackbuses · 28/04/2022 14:22

can you ask to see all the paperwork? They may be bluffing.
He has the flat as an asset and savings so enough for now.
He should have an adult social worker, and the CAB maybe worth consulting.
Youve been through a lot recently and hopefully could argue you weren’t made aware of what you were signing.

Beamur · 28/04/2022 14:18

How overwhelming. No wonder you're at the end of your tether.
One thing at a time.
Your Dad is safe.
Once the flat sells the finance side is sorted.
Is it the new care home pressing you for payment? Presumably this is being pursued because of the snag with the Land Registry. They might be worried that they have taken on someone who can't pay. Have you got a solicitor handling that, or a timeline from the Land Registry?
Given how quickly your Dad has declined, maybe a call to Adult Social Services might be worth doing?
There may be services or benefits he could access through them.
Have you had the results for your own tests?

newbiename · 28/04/2022 14:15

I'm sorry , I don't have any advice about the fees.
I Just understand how stressful it all is and hope you get it sorted out soon.

Original poster
LeeMucklowesCurtains · 28/04/2022 14:13

He needed to prove he’s got two years fees, which he has on paper.

But everything has gone to shit for me, I’m so scared the flat won’t sell, or it will be at a huge loss a and then they will come after me for money.

OP posts:
Original poster
LeeMucklowesCurtains · 28/04/2022 14:09

Sorry, I am just struggling and literally no one could give a shit.

All anyone cares about is getting their fucking money and I feel like I’m drowning.

OP posts:
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