I want to throw in the towel please help

Sorry OP, that sounded unsymphathetic, and I am not because I am trying to sort out my DMIL's situation and recover from cancer complications myself. She was , before vascular dementia, very savvy financially and spread her little ISA pots among companies to ensure the money was always covered by banking guarantees but unravelling it all so her money is all in one pot to fund care is anything but straightforward.

I agree with most of the advice I have read here so far, but a notarised POA is acceptable to any respectable organisation. Do not let the original document out of your sight because you are going to need multiple notarised copies for every organisation who will refuse to help under GDPR rules to help without it. And ask the solicitor who drafted it to register it with the Office of the Public Guardian so it is on the official record.

Im sorry I haven't read all the thread.

Im here to say that I think you should do what you said in the original post - tell the nursing home you can't guarantee that you will ever have the money and remove yourself as POA.

I'm saying that because I think the priority here is you, and your husband and children. Your father very sadly is deteriorating and will probably not be alive much longer. Do not sacrifice yourself, your marriage and the small amount of security you have for the sake of a few short months. Your father can't be at home or at yours and his wellbeing in a care home is not your responsibility.

Start there. Get yourself into a situation that is bearable and safe. Show your husband you will put him first. The rest follows.

This might help you with tracking down the lost NI number www.gov.uk/lost-national-insurance-number

It sounds really hard, and I think your husband sounds like a rock.

I've no advice ref getting things moving.

Ref the car. Can you sell and get rid of it as it must be a continual reminder. Tell him that X has taken it for a drive round to make sure it's still okay.

With dementia it's very much a case of rinse and repeat, like a stuck record.

I'm another one saying cut back on the visits, once a week, once a month. Don't have him at home. It's hard, and the guilt will be huge. But you need to protect yourselves, support each other and take care of your young family.

If your father needs nursing care as well as standard care you don’t have to pay at all your council should foot the bill.

I'm so sorry this is such a struggle.

Is it option to sell the flat to a fast sale company? They buy hard-to-sell property, typically giving about 60% of sale value. But they can complete in two or three weeks if necessary and pay all fees. I don't know if that would cover your commitments, but it would get that problem off your back.

There are lots of dodgy companies, but when I had a property I wanted to be rid of which wouldn't sell on the open market, I used one called Quick Move Now who were OK.

HSBC poa policy
it would seem the bank are not following their own policy. Could you print this off and take it into the bank and show them?

Might be worth contacting your local MP. They will often advocate for their constituents and there is usually a shorter turnaround for replies from public bodies - like Councils.
Would also agree that it's not your responsibility to manage your Dads behaviour in the home. That's what he's paying £1200 a week for. It might even be the case that your visits are unsettling for him. My MIL is in a care home with dementia and we visit maybe once a week or less and keep it short or else she gets agitated about leaving and wants to know when she's going home. She's happier and more settled when we visit less. I would also reconsider the wisdom of having him in your home if he starts fires. Plus it's probably not helping his agitation.
Vascular dementia goes in step changes and to be honest, he may be less combative once he's less aware of the dementia but it's very unpredictable.

Sorry if I have missed something.

As you have the POA you can release his savings. HSBC should be taking days/weeks to do this. Of all the big Uk banks I visited only one took 1 week. The rest was done there and then right in front of me.

With regard to the car. Have you put its registration on WeBuyAnyCar or similar. They will take it off your hands. My Father actually stopped driving himself. He had an old banger but it didnt stop him pestering the life out of people to try and get a 'good' price. Friends, relatives etc were called for a good few months. In the end my sister stepped in and it was sold for £400. He went on about that for months and months.

Its really this boundary thing. You need to do what is good for YOU. Otherwise you will be run ragged!

I know he might be upset to not see it but he is never going to drive it again and he might not even realise its gone. Even if he does you are only putting it off regarding selling it.

I know but the poa is onviously ok if the solicitor is happy and if it sells the money from the house sale will need to go somewhere and the bank have frozen his account. Have you asked the solicitor if they can help, you are being threatened with legal action if the bill is not paid and it wont be paid until the bank release rhe funds. You dont want to end up paying legal costs or getring into financial difficulties, your solicitor may be able to be the liason between the carehome and the bank,

If your solicitor has agreed to your selling his home, you have the poa approved then the bank need to release the funds. I would keep trying the bank head office complaints dept or get your solicitor to on your behalf. The bill needs paying if you have proof. I would suggest the home manager sends the bill and requests directly to your solicitor. Failing that go to your local MP and newspaper. The bank are earning interest on his money.

I fear you are going to have to be very organised, have folders, follow things up, chase, Email, reminders. On all these different things.

I did this re ds1, years ago. I chased emailed phoned 8 or so different routes/depts/organisations at the same time.